Begin Again.

Why do I always go back to square one? God, where is this going? Why am I so tired of so many things happening? When can I just shut off and be quiet and on my own with You?

Let me sleep, so that everything for once can slow down for me to catch up. So many things going through my head all the time and I am really just sick and jaded or all these ups and downs.

it has been a while.

roller coaster ride in the short past three months. from the day my dad was admitted to hospital, to him passing away and then finally NTU Fest before i actually became SU's President... it has been a bumpy ride. of cos not forgeting that along the way there were many short stories in between.

yes no doubt i still miss my dad, but i am also coping better with his passing. he chose Singapore's national day to leave me. and exactly one week from NTU Fest 2014. i know he fought extremely hard. he slipped into a coma two days before he left for Heaven. and that was also when i made the decision that he will not receive any aid. there was just too much pain for him to bear. and yes, he came to know the Lord after g12 conference when i held onto God for his salvation. so i was willing to let him go home to the Lord. it all happened so quickly within a span of one month. there are still times i wish he could talk to me and ask me if he is still seeing me the next morning before he was going to sleep. i wouldnt forget the scene before he breathed his last. he teared. but pa, till we meet again, wait for me. i know you're safe in the arms of my heavenly father. :')

NTU Fest was a success. (or at least that's what THEY claim) it just came and went by so quickly that i was just being functional. i gained much attention on news because of this. thank You Lord for your grace and mercy. Your hand was upon it i know. the weather couldnt get any better and there were no major hiccups. You're so good, so so good.

honestly i was tired. and i very much wanted a break. to just remain low profile. but i also know that there were many open doors for me. and so i rose up to the calling of being president. another tough journey ahead. but Lord, wont you tutor me?

I am so imperfect.

I am angry too. And I dont know how to handle these emotions when I go home. I don't want to grow bitter and eventually harden my heart.

Its difficult when I look at the brokenness in the family. In the past two weeks, the hurts seem to have magnified. And I am sure it wasn't just in me, but in my mom, bro and sis too.

I find myself entangled in God's grace, having to forgive them so many times in a day... for the things they did and did not do.

Maybe a part of me isn't happy with the affair that mom is having. I still hear her talk to him over the phone. And I couldn't help but imagine that she wanted dad to pass on soon so that she is finally free to indulge in her desire.
Yet I cry as I write this... I feel so sorry for my mom. She is only a woman in need of love and attention and in someone else she found herself being able to let her guards down. It was that security that my dad has failed to give her over those years. How can I blame and hate her for merely wanting to fill that emptiness up? She is confused too...

There was disappointment, I have to admit, in my siblings. I already tried to not expect. But when I ran out of options and suggested shifting dad home, my brother denied him coming back. How do I have the heart to tell dad that 他有家回不得! I already let it slide when they don't want to help, but how can they deprive father of a chance to return home...
And when I took a step back to see why they were behaving like that, I see broken and hurting people walking around the house. All of them refused forgiveness. They had so many chances but they allowed their past to haunt them in darkness. They didnt want awkwardness with my dad. They are trying to avoid seeing him and watching how the cancer is going to torture him. They cant bear to come home each day looking at a dying man losing weight, hair and body functions. When he is in pain, I know it pains them too. And they are also running away from facing all these situations and emotions.

I looked at my dad. He was rarely in a daze, staring blankly into thin air. What was he thinking? Was it flashbacks of how he first met mom at that hawker center over a plate of duck rice? Or maybe it was their wedding... perhaps it was when he first held my bro in his arms. Could it be he was thinking bout what, where and how everyone is now?

God, the family that You instituted, why did it have to become like that? We are all just imperfect people. Have mercy on us. Let Your perfect love come into this home and restore us. God, what do I do without You?

Oh Lord, won't You keep my heart tender and soft, always hungry for You and eager to learn and to love? Won't You give me the strength to believe in You and to help me through each passing day?

好累哦。

今天早上爸爸又很早叫我去见他。

爸爸想要交代过世后的一些事。明天会做小手术，过后很快做化疗。能不能耐过这关， 就要看他有多坚强了。

忽然间，一切都发生的好快，我来不及反应。哭也哭过了。现在要办许多事，做很多很多大小决定。真的真的好难。

爸还没有信主。那是我最担心的。神啊，你千万不能让他走。他必须先认识你是救主!

一封写给爸爸的信

爸爸, 你知道吗, 看到你在病床上躺着, 我心里好痛好痛。

看见你瘦了, 又吃不下。吃了又吐出来, 但我却又无能为力。看见你被针刺得满身都是黑青, 一整天都在调点滴, 我好无助。看见你全身痛, 看到你什么都不能作, 我只能逗你笑。看你吃止痛药好像在吃糖, 很想骂你, 但我哪里有心? 看你那么寂寞, 也不舍得告诉你事实。

爸爸, 你知道我很想念你吗? 想念以前你怎么带我出门玩。

接下来的日子我不知道我们会怎么过, 但你可以答应我你会坚强吗? 对, 可能不简单但我会陪你。我们不怕。

爸爸, 你知道我接到你生病的消息后, 一直不停的哭吗。

你要知道很多人在为你祷告。你要信耶稣因为只有祂可以救你, 我和医生都不可以。我很累可是我不会放弃。因为我要在天堂见到你。

我只想对你说, 以前不管发生什么事, 我已经原谅你了。爸, 我真的很爱你的。

Passion and Purity

好特别的一个晚上。我是在做梦吗? 为什么仿佛不记得这种感觉。飘飘然。

让我很怀念以前的日子。好受宠。好简单，好单纯。

是我等到了吗？

The Hero I've Been Looking For.

what do i expect? what do you want?

no more importantly, what do i want? Lord won't you give me clarity and speak to me. i am used to status quo and i am contented now. but its the next season already. would you please reveal to me do i wait or not to? if i do... how long do i? i know maybe i shouldn't be asking for the time period but i guess its the fear of uncertainty in me that is acting up again.

God, You know best.

In Christ alone.

been receiving quite a bit of media attention lately thanks to K Gary. it was overwhelming initially and i thought its probably a glimpse of how nicole seah and the other politicians felt. you feel fake and you feel like you always have to be on a professional front. its stressful. its evenly dangerous and deadly if you're not careful.

i saw how my committee members are all so proud of seeing themselves on papers but i can also tell them mostly it stemmed from being wanting to be approved.

God, humble me. i give back all glory to You. guard my every thought and every word i speak so that i may fear You and do Your will.

in every victory, 

let it be said of me, 

my source of hope, 

my source of strength, 

is in Christ alone.