I am so imperfect.

I am angry too. And I dont know how to handle these emotions when I go home. I don't want to grow bitter and eventually harden my heart.

Its difficult when I look at the brokenness in the family. In the past two weeks, the hurts seem to have magnified. And I am sure it wasn't just in me, but in my mom, bro and sis too.

I find myself entangled in God's grace, having to forgive them so many times in a day... for the things they did and did not do.

Maybe a part of me isn't happy with the affair that mom is having. I still hear her talk to him over the phone. And I couldn't help but imagine that she wanted dad to pass on soon so that she is finally free to indulge in her desire.
Yet I cry as I write this... I feel so sorry for my mom. She is only a woman in need of love and attention and in someone else she found herself being able to let her guards down. It was that security that my dad has failed to give her over those years. How can I blame and hate her for merely wanting to fill that emptiness up? She is confused too...

There was disappointment, I have to admit, in my siblings. I already tried to not expect. But when I ran out of options and suggested shifting dad home, my brother denied him coming back. How do I have the heart to tell dad that 他有家回不得! I already let it slide when they don't want to help, but how can they deprive father of a chance to return home...
And when I took a step back to see why they were behaving like that, I see broken and hurting people walking around the house. All of them refused forgiveness. They had so many chances but they allowed their past to haunt them in darkness. They didnt want awkwardness with my dad. They are trying to avoid seeing him and watching how the cancer is going to torture him. They cant bear to come home each day looking at a dying man losing weight, hair and body functions. When he is in pain, I know it pains them too. And they are also running away from facing all these situations and emotions.

I looked at my dad. He was rarely in a daze, staring blankly into thin air. What was he thinking? Was it flashbacks of how he first met mom at that hawker center over a plate of duck rice? Or maybe it was their wedding... perhaps it was when he first held my bro in his arms. Could it be he was thinking bout what, where and how everyone is now?

God, the family that You instituted, why did it have to become like that? We are all just imperfect people. Have mercy on us. Let Your perfect love come into this home and restore us. God, what do I do without You?

Oh Lord, won't You keep my heart tender and soft, always hungry for You and eager to learn and to love? Won't You give me the strength to believe in You and to help me through each passing day?