How?

Its amazing how I feel bored suddenly.  Its not because I dont have anything to do. Its because I refused to do them, and I am just resting.

I think bout the cell group that I am going to lead on sunday, the word I need to share. God, what do I share? Its not that theres nothing up there in my head now, its just what is best?
Praying for Liz and laying hold of her life. Honestly I am concern she will back out on me. But what can I do?

So many questions...

Havent been very happy in school. NTU Fest is less than 3 months away. So many loose ends to tie and everything is gonna go into a rush. I am trying not to think about it. Each time it bothers me, I sing Lord I surrender...
The school management hasnt been the best people to work with. Many times I know I call the shots and I dont need to be under their mercy. But I tolerate. And I began to see what God is teaching me in this journey. It really built my patience. I just knew God is preparing me for something greater in the near future. So these are little trials that I must withstand. Its really about making big decisions and shaping policies and a higher level. I still cant tell what I will really become...
public sector as a civil servant or private sector involved in politics? Its so near yet so far. There is fear I admit. The comfort I have is that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and plans not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Wherever I go, Lord, go with me and let me serve You and touch Your heart.

Like a flood, His mercy reigns.

So much been on my mind lately.  I wanted so much to just journal bout my thoughts and emotions but everything always happen so quickly.

144 re encounter has been truly amazing. Really just met God at every session. There was much healing in the weeping to know that I am chosen by the Lord, set apart to do His work and I will be fruitful just because He says so. No strife, no performance trap. So blessed.

Came back and ran a fever straight for three days. Felt so terrible just being bed ridden. After one week I am still coughing.  This is quite bad. But ya, blessing in disguise that I took some time to catch up on rest and just sleep in. Thankful I didnt give in to those thoughts of being helpless.

As I finally shifted home from hall, mom acted up again. Beat me with a  hanger which shocked me. I guess of all the days I always anticipated me leaving the house when she's manifesting in anger, that night still came so sudden and unexpectedly.  Of cos there was much pain in the heart, to truly muster that courage and walk away. To me, its definitely a breakthrough. Its a radical change in the belief system believing that I am a child of the one true God and no fingers shall be laid on me. It is knowing that I did it out of love for my mom with prayers in my heart that she will begin to see the consequences of sins. Do I still fear? Yes. But each day I live in His grace. When I go, I trust that the Lord will provide for me. I trust that the Lord will keep me and deliver me. I know my God and I know His character. He is my only refuge that I know I can run to.

Work has also started for me. I am excited for a change in environment. Thankful that the flexibility allows me to do what I need to complete in NTU. God is so good.  So loved by the community especially by my cellgroup. :')

Those tears, they wont stop

还记得, 几岁大时, 她把我寄放在表哥家睡。一整夜我躺在床上, 以为被抛弃了。眼泪不停留着, 只喊着 "妈妈, 妈妈"。

这么多年以候, 在这个晚上, 我忽然回想起那时的感受。不一样的是, 今晚睡在朋友家。 虽然还是在哭泣着, 但心里叫着的是, "阿爸天父!"

我并不是被遗弃的那个小女孩。我是有人要的。耶稣要。

今日候, 我不晓得路要怎么走。。 祖啊, 应到我吧。你是我的避难所。

Building a Fortress for the Holy Spirit

its exams period. been a tough time man. it is one of the heaviest semester with extra work load from CCA. God's grace and mercy upon me...

so as i took time out to meet Joyce, Yuling and Rachel last night, i too, didnt know what to expect. for Joyce to decide to put Rachel under me because she and Jolene are coming NTU, is it helping me to start a work here since i have been barren? idk... irregardless, i am thankful for the opportunity to walk with a junior through a new season of uni life. the other side of me fears. she's not a new christian and i have no clue how to mentor someone who came from a christian background! she's going to fcbs... what if she got a lot of intellectual theology questions for me? hahah i know how silly that sounds.. invalid questions even. but ya, i came to God just telling Him, i am Your vessel. if you make my paths crossed with theirs, let You speak to them through me. 

Joyce shared an interesting yet powerful analogy with Rachel over dinner. it was pretty much the same she shared with me when i met her earlier this year. it was about how our mind (thoughts/emotions), our speech and our actions affirm our beliefs. when something happens, we can have many different ways of responding to the situation. do we trust God or do we succumb to the human side of us? sometimes its easier said until the tests come. today start with dealing with the small things so that in time to come, we have greater faith to face the bigger problems. daily i want to be sharp to recognize myself (and of cos others) what are some of the indications of wrong beliefs. it may stem from simple words like "hai, so sian" and my favourite - "huh, again ah", and behavior in certain patterns like loss of interest and possibly sarcasm. i cant tell people's thoughts but i can tell from how they live out their lives. and this, will be how out i remove the bricks, one at a time, from building a dwelling place for the enemies to replacing this bricks in building a fortress for the HS to reside in. 

on a side note, Joyce has been really amazing. i am like, how does she do it? she's got a family with two kids and a helper... MORE than 12 disciples (obviously).. she's probably counselling many other couples and broken ladies out there (many of whom are probably stray-away sheep she's trying to catch) and still so garang on reaching out and expanding God's kingdom. she also still has her parents, her work life (not forgetting the exam she has to take) as an auditor... she runs cellgroups and attends her own plus must deal with all the reorg in church. hmmm, how she does it ah? really leh. *thumbs up*

(ok just in case Joyce you are reading this, i am not trying to 'por' you hor. its really something on my mind)

so anyway, i figured that its really God's grace in her life. how her earlier years fighting battles have gave her much wisdom and strength to multi-task all these now. its inspiring, and it makes me dream to be like her. she may be the 'most successful' woman to most people will label, but well, she's a good mother (to both her earthly and spiritual children) and that's the best thing i learnt from her. its my desire to be a loving and faithful mother too. :)