.

Just when I thought I was contented with life, obstacles never fail to come my way.

After very very long, I felt like crying again. I don't know. I'm worried for my mom, cos she hasn't been feeling quite well. I worried for my sisters too, cos they aren't coping great either. Most importantly, when I'm all worried bout others, at times I really feel so helpless. I have to worry bout my own health, worry bout my friends, and of cos, studies.

These two days, I'm utterly disappointed at myself for being sucha loser. First, I don't have the courage to face myself, face my own problem and solve them before I should even face others. There are some things which make me hate myself so badly that sometimes I wonder why God was being so unfair. I know I shouldn't doubt Him, and that I'm unique in my own special way, but why did everything have to be me? Somedays, I really feel like breaking down; I really don't have the strength to fight with the inner me. Guess what's hurts the most could only be that my mom's the one who is always showering all her tender loving care on me. How shameful it is; just how much I've let her down. Afterall I ain't no filial daughter like you think i am anymore, right?

Then, perhaps I'm also a lousy friend, am I? When I saw everyone today, they were all so different. I hate to admit that I know I can't stop them from changing, but why, why did I, a best friend of hers in the past, failed to guide her in the wrong path , and allow her to go astray? I don't think I'm fit to be a friend, cos I failed my job. Oh, just how much it hurts to see her remembering me. Indeed, I don't have the courage to be her best friend anymore.

Whateva's happening at home now, I won't deny the fact that things will get any better. However, I choose to pray that as a family, we'll be able to be like one, bond as one, and stick as one. That really is, the minimum I wish to see of everyone at home.

Alright, so here's what's affected me most today. It's this person, that has made a significant difference to my life. He is, and should long be, forgotten by me already. But as most of you may know, your friend here can be very stubborn at times. Knowing that holding on is a waste of time and can be exhausting, I refuse to let it go. I took the bus we once took, been to the place we once been. Just so you know, it hurts so bad to just see all my memories unfold in front of me. I am, if you haven't realized, someone who fears the power of reminiscing. Nice things, truly shouldn't be forgotten, but when are you going to fade ahead from my head? At least, don't let me think about sonething that's already 730 days ago! I'm sorry to say that I'm pretty sure that seeing me today was probably the smallest thing that can happen in your life today. I hate you, yet I missed you.

P.S. I always start my sentences with I, I, and I. I think... I feel... I'm totally just full of myself, OK?

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yes, 4 weeks more...

that's another one month left. and in fact, minus away all the weekends, the study breaks, my first paper is in 3 weeks. goood job. im into my intensive studying now, so YOU YOU YOU, stop asking me out. HAHA, unless its to study :D

yaye. i'm so thankful for su and joy in my life. the two adults i love to hang with. i can tell them everything under the sun, knowing that its safe with them, and that they never fail to give me the answers i need. you know, they never once fed me with solutions, but instead, they tell me things that lead me in my thinking. i always feel good after that, cos i seem to have managed everything in my mind then. so yupp, with them around, my week's been a pretty happening one. :D

i wonder what to expect for next week. im getting stressed up again. holidays for monday and tuesday is one thing, there are many tests on wednesday onwards. furthermore, my september holidays are already almost all booked. argh. now im freaking myself up with the exam schedule i've received just ytd. i really need to do some planning and focus! most importantly, i need to learn to prioritize. =X

P.S. its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

5 Weeks.

was out at shaw with the girls today to mug. wasnt productive at all. wasnt just me. they were too. but for me, i've a reason! my left eye kept blinking. uh huh! before i headed home, i dropped by the optician and found out that i tore my second pair of contact. kill me pls, seriously. you dont know how much it cost, how afraid i am to admit it to my mom! thank God i didnt get the permanent one man... yeah, im grateful that my eye wasnt hurt too!

one week slipped away quickly. things happened. yes, i did stupid things, and is still doing them. hahaha. oh wells, im blinded, im mad and somebody, HELP ME PLS. i was so badly affected. ok, i still am. and i hate it this way. HA. never mind.

anyway, i had a pretty good week. caught two movies OK! 'where got ghost' was rather lame and stupid, as expected, but 'the proposal' was awesome. really good you know. i highly recommend it. so, i had two comedies just in 3 days, shows that life aint that bad afterall. heh. BUT BUT BUT, enough already, gonna start mugging and no more movies till promos are over in another month!

just before i go off, as usual, i've something more to complain... my grades for my main subjects are ABCC. i wouldnt say im satisfied with them, yet im already one the better ones. what more can i say? then again, im competing with the inner me so i must continue to strive. i know i must hang on, for i see the light at the other end alr. there's still quite a long way though. well, i guess there's rooms for improvements man. really. i really want to enter uni. LOL

P.S. up down left right, which way do i go? please guide me the way...

6 Weeks Exactly...

Today, I felt so disappointed. Cos all I saw was Cs. Forget bout econs, but my bio isn't doing so well. Math aside (praying hard that I did well for my latest test), my Chinese sucks. I thought I made a promise to myself to improve on my mother Tongue, but apparently, I went back on my words. I hate myself today. Really, I really do.

Chuck studies in a corner. I was more of upset because of the people around me. I loathe hypocrites. I thought I could trust her, I thought I didn't have to believe them, but guess I'm wrong. Cos today, I'm convinced that you were all along lying. How could you?

Chemistry SPA is tomorrow. Hurray, can't wait to get it over and done with. Afterwards, I finally can sit down focus and start on my intensive revision for promos! I know I can do it, I know I don't need cca to get me into university.

Last but not least, before I go, I must say, after hearing all the troubles the other groups are facing while doing their written report for project work, I felt rather thankful that mine ain't as bad as I thought. I'm working with pretty nice people so I really hope we all so well together. For amabel, jiayou k! Believe in yourself that you'll make a good leader :)

P.S. Looking forward to seeing lovely Su, my godbro, raymond and his beloved Zoey! :D

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One And A Half Months

Having some family dinner now. Like literally family, cos there are 12 of us. The food taste nice, but I guess what's more meaningful is that all of us finally found the time to sit down to eat together. So heartwarming... Aww. Haha

Anyway, 6 weeks more to promos. I'm already starting to count down cos I must start mugging! Even though I bid goodbye to full exemption and is not going to Russia anymore, I still cannot forget bout aiming for my scholarship! LOL, so for now, to all my school mates, your better start revision too! No more time to slack ya?

P.S. Manda, it maybe difficult to watch the one you love, love someone else. But it's ok, it's better than watching the one you love hate you.. [[:

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I'm Sad.

i failed econs test. I'm sad.
i panicked during chem SPA today. I'm sad.
i am not confident with tomorrow's math test, for once. I'm sad.
i have bio test on friday. I'm sad.
i havent had dinner. I'm sad.
i have PW WR to do. I'm sad.
i have the A level chem SPA next week. I'm sad.
i really think i've been slacking alot. I'm sad.

i wish i wasnt so distracted. :(

i shall go sleep soon. there's PE tmr, should be something to be excited bout. LOL. but i hope it rains, so i'll have time to study. OK, I JUST CONTRADICTED MYSELF. never mind. at the very least, joy's email came at the right time. i'll be looking forward to go volunteer myself and help out! hurray :D

Ouch.

well, i guess the truth really did hurt. shouldnt have bugged him for the answer, cos if not, i might still be happily living in my own happy world now. HAHA. hmmm, but then again, i should be glad. i get to go for someone else now. :D

THINGS NEVER GO MY WAY

The Climb.

i know everyone loves this song and here is how it goes:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking


And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

_________________________________________________

yeah, that's how i encourage myself, and i hope my friends never give up too!

anyway, today's the day. HAHA. yeahh, truth shall be revealed and i'll be awaiting for the results. im quite prepared but i guess i just wouldnt know how i'll react on the spot! its OK, the time will come and i think no matter what it is, i'll call miss amanda up and have a good laugh with her. :D:D

by the way, happy national day. lol. would you please tell me school is not starting on tuesday? please tell me there isnt chem SPA to do; tell me there isnt bio test on fri. but well, you can always tell me that i get to watch orphan and up next week. and also i get to attend the countdown YOG event at padang on friday. busy GuoYi's gonna be back real soon. ahh, i think i've been slacking, so can someone please slap me and wake me up?! i want to get exempted and go russiaaa. :( cmon everyone, let's get into our mugger mode and push ourselves for promosss. WHOO

P.S. Pauline, dont be so negative, JIAYOU!

One Step At A Time.

it says it all:

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen

today was a long and tiring day. i wasnt supposed to be out, not cos i was quarantined. it was just sunny and my mom didnt want me to fall sick. she gave me a deal. stay home and i get 100 bucks in my pocket, or go out and pay for my own movie, own meals, own transport for the day. which fella in the right mind will change the latter one?! well, i did. cos it was for eddy. he was definitely worth much more than that. he said he wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. and it really upsets me. :( blame myself for not spending time wisely with him. what's the point of regretting now? ahhhh.

the outing today was disappointing anw. i was glad that many turned up. but yet, unhappy bout certain ppl. what more can i say? im nobody there to voice out my unhappiness so what can i do? i thought i was especially quiet then. and what's worse? he didnt realise. in his eyes, all there is, isnt me anymore. its OK, i'll get over it.

well, thank God i came back early and didnt hang out with them anymore. like i said, it wouldnt have made much difference. so, i came back to talk to Mr. Stone. and for thatttttt. i gotta count down, 3 days to dooms day. HELP ME SOMEONEEEEEEEEEEEE =X

Friendship.

There's just such a deep meaning behind this word. At times, I thought I really know it means. But yet at other times, I've no idea what is it all about. why is it so? why is it so hard to understand? am i even a good friend to start off with?

Some of them, they just come and go. all hypocrites. they try to come close to me, make use of my weakness, for being too nice, for im one who believes in others easily. Others, stay throughout my life. i dont have to name them, cos they know who they're. they know how much they mean to me, and they'll dare to admit they're the ones. i know it, cos i trust them.

today, i cannot be more than thankful of 3 very understanding friends. for a while, i havent felt so truthful before. i felt so light now cos i let some of the air out. hahaha. yeahh. i didnt want to, but i did. and i guess it was a good thing. cos its way too unhealthy for me to keep it inside, hide it all away from everyone. today, i finally found the courage to confide in them. im glad i did it. but well, there's more to go. where we ended wasnt the end of the story yet. i'll learn, i'll try, i'll continue to stay this way, and tell them things they want to know, to let them know bout me better. i wonder, is my mind really that difficult to read? well, im sorrie bout that! =X

so, i conclude that, getting quarantined and missing school isnt sucha bad thing after all. i still got to see them, meet up and talked alot! we studied too OK! :D

just what is wrong with blogger? my blog looks like emo, so depressing and so dull without the colours of some photos. for so long, I CANT UPLOAD MY PHOTOSSSSSSS. im going mad over it. help!! OK, for now, please view it at: my FB page :D thank you.

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Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know.

bloggers' down again and im not lying. i wasnt being lazy to upload my photos ok. its always like that. ahh. PERHAPS ITS THIS LAPPY.

anyway, i've no idea whether i should be overjoyed or just plain sorrowful that im gonna have impromptu one week holiday. hahaha, all thanks to the LOA that was issued a while ago by my sch cos of the h1n1... there goes my SPA trial, my lectures... but well, a break that came just in time. :D but thinking bout having to make up in the september for all these lessons that my class is going to miss, oh man, that sucks. yeah, it really does.

not being able to sch also means not being able to see SOME PPL. haha. e.g. my clique of girls. :D but i guess i had enough of them ytd. it was really crazy partying ytd. i laughed so much i almost died. XD

P.S. i really dont wanna be the last to know what others already do. i suppose the As people (amanda amabel annabel) will know what this means:

I need to hear you say
You love me all the way
And I don't wanna wait another day
I wanna feel the way you feel
Oh, c'mon

HAHAHA :D

累了，是心累，而不是身累。

今天，我心烦意乱。我也不知为何，就是好像有些心事什么的。嗨！或许是功课压力？也可能是朋友的关系吧。

现在，用华文字好像才能解释我心中的感受。其实，我就是觉得自己好像不由自主地悄悄暗恋上一个不该喜欢的人。糟了啦，这次该怎么办？！ ：（

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