Happy Birthday, My Gorgeous Girl.

As I looked into the mirror that morning after I woke up, I just heard the Spirit whispering ever so gently,

"happy birthday, beautiful."

i smiled. i encountered God. to me, that was the most precious moment, one that is priceless. i turned 22. and i finally caught a glimpse of what God meant when He said He made me fearfully and wonderfully. He knows my name even when I was in the womb. He watches over me. i am so so... loved, so cherished and treasured. indeed... He is my closest Friend, and the Lover of my soul. i dont need many texts from the many people i know... i just need Him :')

i had a lovely birthday. showered with gifts which i appreciate because they meet my real needs, like a watch and a bag... thankful. i had several surprises as well... it was a nice time catching up with people though i was overwhelmed by work in the week so much so that i hardly slept. 

one of the most memorable one was when the NTU cell group came to surprise me. i was up at the rooftop praying late that night and so focused in reading my bible that when the group of them came up, i did not give a second look to notice their faces in the dark. so when finally they stood surrounding me did i realise i was ambushed! hahaha. honestly, for a moment, i thought that in my third year, after all the people who came and left or disappeared, NTU cell will no longer have anyone who knows my birthday or bothered to celebrate. really, i wasn't expecting anything. but i am so blessed to have all the freshies who remembered and bought me ice cream to cheer me up. they prayed for me even. it blessed my heart to know that the next generation is anointing me. thank You Lord, for sending these people to remind me of the work i have set out doing when i first entered this land. it is a great calling to leave a godly legacy for the younger ones. but i will repent if i dare ever belittle Your will in my life.

yes Lord, i'll keep pounding for You.

none but Jesus,

As each day creeps nearer to my birthday, there's a strong mix of emotions. 

A part of me is excited to embrace a new year and thankful unto God for His faithfulness in my life. 

Yet the other side of me is deeply saddened by how broken my family is. I cant help it. Each time I look at them, my heart pains. Yes that's the truth, I am so rejected by them. While I have countless friends celebrating me, my family doesn't care about it. Do they even remember? I wonder. What I truly desire is the company of my family, as simple as a meal together. Even a text might make a difference. 

Earlier last week, people started asking me what I would like for my 22nd. I thought for a while, and told everyone who asked that I wanted a trip to the zoo. Perhaps little did they know that I really want to spend a day with my family at the zoo. Its not that I didn't try. I asked my mom about it. And I got ignored. I decided to be sad for 5 minutes and moved on. If it was me previously, I would probably end up crying from being so hurt. Yes, I missed the family time. I missed how when I was a few years old, we would go to the zoo for outing. And this dream, it seems so far away. :'(

Its OK. I have plenty of friends who want to take me to the zoo and I shall be counting my blessings. As for my family... Lord, I will hang on my prayers. They will be saved. Yes they will. Its a declaration in the spiritual realm that my household belongs to Jesus Christ. 

I notice that every year I will be exceptionally emotional on my birthday. This year, I need to be particularly careful. I will not allow the enemy to steal away the joy my God has set for me. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Relentlessness.

Yesterday's cell group reminded me that I need to get back on my knees to pray. Specially,  for revival. I haven't been a christian for very long but there were many moments i persevered in prayer and I saw God move. I will never forget those times when I hide in my prayer closet and just cry for revival. I cried for many friends and in that past 5 years, maybe 10 people are saved?

Somehow, perhaps like the dry spell singapore was facing, my prayer life was drying up. I need to pray more. I need to cry more. Its not enough. My closer friends in my clique, they still don't know Jesus. They need to know Him NOW. Cos if not now then when? I can only cross paths with them for this season of their lives.. if I never shared the gospel with them and Jesus comes again tomorrow, I know I will regret and I will be held accountable. I need to stop being distracted by all the other things. people can sin against me... but I must forgive and walk right with You. There's no unity, yes Lord I will cry and seek Your mercy on behalf of the church. But all these can be put aside.. God, You must come and meet me when I pray.

Oh Lord, like the rain that comes suddenly and poured forth the entire island, rain down a fire in my heart. Let me be consumed by Your presence. Let the Holy Spirit help me intercede for the lives of my loved ones. Let my prayer be a sweet aroma, an incense that You'll be pleased to answer.
Oh Lord, I wont relent until You relent. I will not let You go until I see THE revival You've intended for singapore. Yes Lord, please use Your servant me to further Your kingdom. You said we will be Your people and You'll be our God. So God, You MUST come!!

All praise to You.

And You open the door for me.
And You open my eyes to see.
You're everything I need.

yaye, an extremely rare day i get to rest in and do my work! for a moment just now, after my test, i was gonna go wonder around and get a movie or shop. the weather was too warm and hence i decided to come back to get started on the never-ending work. changed my mind this morning also that i will not go prayer tower too.

spoke to D last night. well, the conversation at several moments did get heated. i explained my unhappiness all these while and he did apologize. it went on for awhile and i kept asking him the same question: what is your heart for NTU? i know that as long as i don't hear the truthful answer from him, i cannot commit myself to be discipled by him. for the past three years, i have always saw him as a fatherly and big brother figure. he is so so dear to me. which was why i was also hurt badly in this ministry. eventually he managed to share with me the big picture about how he is not interested in building his own tribe but having that real kingdom mentality. i did openly mention my doubts of the presence of others who joined us in claiming this piece of land. i am still hanging on because i told God i will keep pounding. but really, this is my last shot.

i am sorry about this skepticism. Lord I repent. let not me judge whose heart is right and whose is not. let me just be a faithful and obedient servant that when You call, I will go. let my walk be righteous even when others may not. 

最近好像对一个人有好感。对我而言，并不是好事。还是少见面的好。

兜兜转转。

不晓得为何绕了一大圈，又好像回到最初的圆点。

好像都还不到一个月，我离开了南大的小组，去到了别处。但是很快的今早的一个电话，又改变了一切。

昨晚D打了三通电话给我可是我却没接。我不是故意叛逆。。。我是祷告了，觉得已经十二点了，所以才去睡觉。他问我是不是在气他，我想了想，回答：“以前是有点气，现在不再气了。” 我没打算听他解释，因为已过去了，我也累了。事实真的有这么重要吗？醒来后，看到他的短讯：对不起。

组长叫我打电话给她说有急事。说着说着，都讲上半个小时。她叙述了昨晚和D的对话。

感觉上，我好像知道了我不想知道的事情。我说不上为什么，就是不想知道某某人喜欢我。或许是大家曾经戏弄过我们。我也曾经考虑过他。看他那么傻傻的，不知在哪个时候我们的关系就这样渐渐的疏远。还记得前些日子我很遗憾，不明白为什么会失去这份友情。现在我们才只是工作伙伴。很巧的，昨晚朋友为我们一起庆祝生日，因为我们的生日相差一个星期多。奇怪的是，每个人都说我们特别的尴尬。拍照时，两人的脸都红了。别问我，我真的什么都不知道。。。

好啦，换别的来说。很意外的，我的心情没有受很大的影响。无奈吗，会有一点点。可能是我讨厌不停的改变。是很累喔。。但我要牢牢记住，什么都能变，就只省神不变。神的爱永不变，祂的性格依然不改。来南大效劳是神对我的指示，我应该抱着一个期待的态度。是，我拨不急待回来带更多更多的人信祖！

老爸，我会乖乖的听从。人我信不过，让我只信你。

A new season.

Wow, recess week came and flew by with a blink of an eye.

I was busy at work, frequently getting activated at the very last minute. Had lots of fun with my colleagues though i woke up at almost 6 am daily. and then my day usually ends very late at around 1 am leaving me just a couple of hours to sleep. people think i am crazy but i am OK. i am motivated! :) its not so much of the money, more of the people and the job.

on Wednesday's leaders' meeting, God spoke to me. i teared because i told God i don't wanna stop pounding. i don't wanna stop at three strikes. the victory is mine and i want to claim it. i am NOT giving up on NTU, not yet. though its discouraging, i must obey God. the fruits of labour will come. my reward is in heaven. honestly, i don't know how the ministry will turn out to be but i know my path is different. i need to acknowledge that this route i take, few can understand because not all are called. so Lord, i take comfort that You have chosen.

i have been genuinely happy. and i am glad of this improvement. need to maintain. looking forward to more time alone! :)