Sorry.

And so, it has been two weeks since i came back. so much has happened already.

there were moments i was jaded, disappointed, upset and tired. many times i would sleep it away because that's my response mechanism - my form of escapism.

tomorrow i will have to face up to it. i will be OK. because God is with me. I just need to remember He is in control. right now, i refuse to do anything. I will simply go spend time with God.

goodnight.

8 days.

Sitting in front of the sofa bed in a simple room of munyee's place.

can't believe this is already my last night here. its been a privilege to have this little space on my own to romance with God. how i have always dreamed and wished for something like this. a short week is enough, really, cos i dont ask for more :')

really contented. and thankful. its been such a fruitful trip. literally from the shopping but also spiritually, emotionally and physically. i have been soooo happy all day long, sleeping every single moment i can and just coming back so close with the Holy Spirit.

i am so gonna miss this place. the slowness of pace and quietness of the neighbourhood. the friendliness of the people and the gentleness of nature. yes, what an eye-opener for me. for the first time i am away from singapore, out of malaysia away from 'authorities' (like church leaders and my mom) on my own to travel and see the world. well, this time round i still had company and i really thank God cos i wouldn't know how to survive alone! you've no idea how much i treasure this opportunity. i can't even find words to describe it...

TYJ. His sweet sweet presence has just been so amazing, so comforting and so loving. i have thoroughly rested and enjoyed myself. from being unable to believe that i am in perth to now leaving, what a journey it has been. and tonight i gotta start on my work because people have already chased me all the way here! haa.

P.S. photos coming right up!

goodnight :)

God knows best.

thankful that NTUc is growing :)

the NTUc leaders :)

what a week. last weekend was at campusrev camp in JB. was indoor all the way cos of the haze. invited a pre-believer called Joanne. just amazed by how receptive she is.. :') let's continue to pray that she will come to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Saviour! :)

after i came back, went for leaders' retreat. it was crazy. eight hours of intensed planning for the cellgroup. but it was a good time of bonding too. now i take more ownership in the cell i am leading. somehow, i still feel weird to hear people call me a cell leader. while i acknowledge it, i guess i need to really let it sync in. may be i am not used to it... or maybe, the name sounds so scary because truly, you're a life changer. for good or for bad, you decide.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

been only sleeping for four hours a day. didn't know what i was running on. oh yeah, must be God's grace and mercy. supposed to be at my g12 retreat this weekend. secretly thankful that its cancelled. well God, thank You for the rest. it was so much paying back of sleep debt :D

and also, i am really just thankful that weekend my mom wasn't in town to nag at me.. God, thank You :') all in Your hands, i know.

counting down... just four more days to my get-away! simply can't wait.

Blinded.

and so... masks on!

Weather: Hazy

haha, what's new this week besides the haze? started wearing masks because the PSI really soared to hazardous levels. i am not quite looking forward to the rain that will cool it down cos its gonna be acid rain... but well, God can change the winds to make it blow away. guess what's most important now is the root of the problem: people stop burning. noticed on social media that many singaporeans are complaining about the doings of indonesia. wonder what happened to 'love our neighbours'? well, i do agree that the minister who commented that we are childish is a little arrogant, but its no time to play the blame game.

blame game. yes, speaking of that... yesterday took a half day leave from research to go out and play (despite the fog). a tiny incident triggered an over reaction from me. as i went home last night to reflect, God revealed to me my belief system of self-blame. i am trying very hard to cope with my emotions and facing up to who i really am.

God, thank You for surfacing to me all the ugly sides of me so that i can change and be refined for the better. 

afterall, diamond comes from a mere piece of charcoal. carbon, on its own is useful and has so much potential. yet under high pressure and over time, it can form into a piece of jewel. and finally the diamond  must be polished before it will sparkle and be counted worthy.

so i pray that though this season is so much moulding and growing, i will not give up on my faith and the calling God has given me. i MUST finish strong. no excuses for anything less. 

and off i am, though tired, to johore bahru for campusrev camp! i remember that last year at this camp, i heard from God to move to youthnet. its a v painful decision and lately i do wonder if its a mistake... 

God, i repent! how can anything that comes from you be wrong at all? i am so short-sighted that i failed to see what you've in store for me and the greater plans...

well, so in the past week, i sum it all up as a battlefield in the mind. been rather depressed and stressed. i MUST encounter God in this camp tonight to clear up the air. i cannot lose sight of Him in the midst of all these chaos.

and most importantly.. though the haze ahead of me is thick and unbearable, He was and is always there. many times i failed to see Him, but His mercy and love remains. :')

so God, would you come and meet me face to face over this weekend? i missed You - Your warm embrace and Your sweet sweet presence - everything about You i miss You so.

Homework on BGR

Over the weeks, my cell group leader made us all do this. in some sense, i was lazy to take out this list after a good two years. but its also a good time to reevaluate it. so here goes the task:

Do your list of criteria of your future spouse. write our in order of most important.

1. Love God, fear God.
2. Serving people...
3. Humorous
4. Gentlemanly
5. Taller than me (preferably about or taller than 1.75m)
6. Mandarin-background
7. Filial
8. Decent job with regular and stable income
9. Can do housework! (not lazy)
10. Can cook basic proper meal and loves to eat (chilli)

then, take time to think of the most recent person you liked or you currently like. ask yourself why you like that person. list out in order of most importance.

1. Stable walk with God
2. Serving joyfully
3. Cheerful and funny
4. Helpful and competent as a leader
5. Fillial
6. Generous
7. Taller than me
8. Sweet and thoughtful
9. Good listener
10. Patient and gentle

compare the two lists. are they the same? is the order the same?

and so, i grouped the first 3 as being common in order though the way i described them are different. interestingly, i noticed that point 5 and 7 are actually close and the order reversed. hmmm

does it mean that i have been living in denial, or that the rest dont matter? idk. guess i will find out tonight at cell! i am excited and i know i cannot miss. haha!

恩典之路

never would have imagined myself to complete climbing 40 over flight of steps... these people taught me what was perseverance and to live in a community. they were all so much more fit than i am but they chose to wait for me because i wasn't well. in their words

"we signed up as a team, we're gonna complete this as a team."

wow, touched my heart. so thankful for each one of them for looking out for me... it was humbling for me as well to have to acknowledge that i am really not good enough.. i am really weak physically and i need to ask for help. nonetheless, great experience! paid money to torture myself but wow, the feeling of accomplishing it and knowing that you've fought a good fight, you've kept the faith and you've finished the race, simply amazing.
 

i look like i am OK here. but that was almost 30 mins after the race and i was still nauseous!

I LOVED OUR NONSENSE.

so to you my team mate if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3 p="">
was a great weekend. am busy with other work, and somethings got me upset.. but well..

i choose to thank God and praise Him anyway.

漪

Last night over dinner a friend incidentally gave me a new interpretation to my name:

"You've a lot of influence on others, like a ripple effect on your friends and even the future generations."

I cannot help but shiver remembering those exact words said to me. Wow, you mean I can be that powerful? 

Really makes me twice bout the things I do now.

The Little Things in life

Hello there. Here I am, back in action. :)

Well, no one's probably reading this little space but that's alright. it'll be pretty amazing to be reading all these 5 years down the road, maybe one day after I am married or I can show it to my kids in the future!

So anyway, its the summer holidays! I wouldn't call it the holidays though. Just went to dictionary.com to search up the definition of this word, and here goes:

hol·i·day

[hol-i-dey]

noun

1. a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.

2. any day of exemption from work ( distinguished from working day ).

3. a time or period of exemption from any requirement, duty, assessment
Apparently, I am not close to being exempted from work so yeah. But I am happy. I am happy serving the Lord and the people He loves. There were countless times I got mad, angry and upset, but if all these are a worship unto God and He is pleased with it then yes, God please bless me with Your grace, Your strength and Your wisdom to carry on until the day You come again to meet me face to face.

Let me take this opportunity to list down my commitments this season since it would probably help me in my processing too:

1.  I am on a summer research programme! 
I only went into the lab to conduct some mini experiments for 2 days. We were trying to extract and purify DNA of cells from a mouse. You've no idea no tiny the DNA strands are. A million cells only gave me THAT bit of DNA strands - the size of only this fullstop . The past two weeks were pretty much just hanging around trying to read up and start on my report. Its been a good time messing around with ZY too :) check it out below!

the COLD room

trust me, it was really cold. i've no idea what its temperature is but when we went in to mess with our DNA, we had to run out after just a good and short 2 minutes (considering that we still had time to take this photo)? madness. but. FUN.

 

2. NTU Freshmen Orientation Camp! 
and so, i somehow landed myself to be heading this camp again this year. sigh :( i know i can gonna do a way much better job than last year but having said that, it increases my stress level as well. i've less than two months before the camp and now the publicity and recruitment drive is underway. its exciting to see it happening but at the same time lots of uncertainty. i know my success is not found in the number of participants or what others say bout this camp.. so i am really trying to take it easy and give my best shot. pray for me that this camp will touch lives

3. SPMS buddies 
i THINK i am the programmer for this event. hahah, yeah i wanted to quit so badly but because the committee is so new and short of manpower that i decided to say. I know its good to be a stakeholder in my own faculty too so that i can be of greater influence and the salt and light! its extremely pressuring when you know that everyone is waiting for you to get things done to proceed to the next step. :'(

on a lighter note, work at TCW side has ceased because its school holidays for the main stream schools too. it was so hectic last week but enjoyed myself. at the same time, ministry has been pretty demanding too. why? on weekdays i am in school 9am-6pm and at night, i go to cg twice a week. other nights there are either leaders/prayer meetings or work meeting. i rarely get times to spend time with my love ones what more with myself... its especially difficult when my mom is home this season to nag at me. yes, i still do face loads of persecution and she still beats me... can't believe it cos i am alr 21. :(

just wanna whine a bit. i will still get things done!
lately, i noticed many people have been very concerned about me on whether I am getting attached with a boyfriend or not. my parents aside, recently a friend told me i am too CONSERVATIVE. ha, i wasn't really offended, just taken aback. after all, i follow the law that was return so many hundreds of years ago. ;) look at the amount of things i've to do everyday, where got time for BGR? please la... hahaha. OK i do admit once in a while, nice godly guys do stroll pass right before my eyes but i am not giving in just yet... not that i am unprepared but meanwhile, i just wanna make full use of this gift of singlehood God has blessed me this season of my life. i am, from the bottom of my heart, thoroughly happy with who i am right now and i look forward to fulfilling the God-given purpose as a confident and single woman before i enter into the next phase of my life. so, decided to re-read this book after getting it as my super-belated (almost 2 months late) 21st birthday present from my supervisor and his wife. been so blessed by it so far! :)

 alright, got to go and finish up my work. been procrastinating a while already. really hope to make my holiday next month a successful one. 

I NEED SOME TIME TO GET AWAY, SEE MY BESTIE, BE ALONE BY THE BEACH THINKING BOUT MY LIFE, FEEL THE WIND ON MY FACE AND TELL GOD HOW MUCH I MISS HIM AND I JUST WANNA BE WITH HIM.

 

I won’t let these little things  

Slip out of my mouth  

But if it's true 

It’s you  

Oh it’s you  

They add up to  

I’m in love with you  

And all these little things

I'm back.. (:

Hello there, it has been awhile hasn't it? (:

This blog has been with me for over five years. All these while I kept changing her looks but the content remained pretty much the same - it holds my deepest thoughts and feelings.

If there's any reason why I've decided to make a comeback, its cos of my love ones.. Like the one in aussie and those in army whom I'm too busy to catch up with. Of cos not forgetting those mentors whom I also wanna continue to share my life with. I figured that I'm only going to get busier with some new roles I've taken on so to be able to update this space on the go is most helpful to me. I must say M inspires me a lot whenever I read her entries. Those photos she posts seem to come to life all the time!

Fuck it. I cried. Just because she said,'you should go and reflect, think bout your attitude!'

Is that what I get, for trying and trying so hard to be a good sister, good friend, and a good daughter? Do I not have the freedom, not get the space I wanted? I know you care, but did you think bout what I want?

Ouch, that really stabbed right into my heart. I am stressed, I admit. I wanted to be nice too. But i just couldnt. Cos you were being too demanding. Cant you let me be? Why do I have to please you all the time? I get tired too.

I don't know what's gonna happen later. I feel no wrong and I ain't gonna apologize, like I always do. Lord, help me please.

Geolocate this post.


Posted with LifeCast

Put Your Arms Around Me.

Su asked me today, 'have you moved on?'. well, im sure she's not the only one who wants to know the answer. many of you out there wants to find out too right? i was stunned by her, thought for awhile and before i could even answer, i was tongue-tied. ah huh, the answer was pretty obvious, not just to her, but to me too. have always been running away from this, but yet, i've to face this reality again now. i tried to explain, but i guess i need not say more.

i couldnt believe it. been so long. now and then, i ask myself, how did i actually struggle for so long? what's worse? i've managed to put up a smile on my face and pretend like im fine but deep inside its killing me. you know what? the truth is i've been thinking bout it everyday, without fail. i aint no OK at all. but this is me, i cant, i cant, i just cant change. never mind. if i manage to survive all along, im sure i can continue to do it!

there, it really got me thinking. have i, or have i not? the fact that im upset now, it just shows. shows how much im still not over it yet. im sorry, im such a disappointment, im really lousy. :(

P.S. thank you everyone, if you care.

That original feeling never went away
That's why I’m standing here today.

So many up and downs
And nothing has changed
That's why you know I'm here to stay.

Messing with photoshop for the first time!

Don't let me be the last to know.

does it ring a bell to you?

So busy. I miss You.

Help me draw close to You.

Dwelling in Your presence.

I'm crazy about You.

We all have a choice.

Hillsong United Forever Reign with lyrics