:')

Your Grace.

Test earlier was horrible. i am so tired now. decided i will post something since its been a while.

again i was very generous to be giving away so many marks... yet somehow i didnt feel anxious. i hope its not 'bochup' but its knowing that i have fully surrendered...

really God, i dont wanna be self deceiving or self denial. 

sometimes i dont know if i am stupid to be hanging onto so many things. i guess its bout me not learning fully how to let go... just passionate

waiting to board the bus to TCT for congre meeting tonight. Ada asked me to give a testimony bout being in NTUSU. the thought of it makes me nervous... hmmm, idk. search my heart O Lord, see if there's any offensive ways in me. God, Thy will be done, here on earth as it is in heaven. All glory to You. let every word I speak give praise to You and be pleasing to Your ears. 

its been an amazing journey i dont know where to start... last year after deciding that i will run camp REVx in NTU early this July, i began to see a lot of needs from the students. God put in me this desire to rise up and do much more for the school. i was approached for an executive position and after much praying, I decided to take it up. my middle name has ever since been 'crazy' because that's what people call me. everyone knows how busy i am and they always hear me in new projects. even my cgl are still very concerned about how i am coping... by the grace of God, i have been surviving on 5 hours of sleep. haha. right now i thank God i am in a strategic position where i can influence all the freshmen orientation camps in NTU. one thing i wanna try doing is to take away all the funny activities and encourage men to honour girls. apart from that, God worked in so many ways in the past one month after my election. the day during my rally, the question about a CCA ha

maybe i wont get to share at all... cos I am going to 'work'! yes, L&M engaged me to go Serangoon Sec to be Programme Coordinator. gonna be leading ice breaker... 

yeah, that busy... no time for anything. cant afford to be distracted.

God You're good. when times get hard, I will still wanna love You.

What am I really called for?

endless meetings. hardly catching my breath. there's been loads of joy in doing though. it was about meeting and integrating a new community albeit a secular one. 

oh man, i am sleepy already, though i havent really done any work YET.

been missing home... i dont know why and i dont know how come but i just wanna be back home.. maybe its the bed, maybe its the food.. but who am i kidding? its truly the people that i want to be with.. what's the point when everytime i come back only to await scolding? sigh, there's just so much my heart can take.. so heart broken! :'(

that aside, so many things have been happening in school.. Lord, i will keep repenting on the behalf of NTU, my peers and friends because God we are sorry that we allow this perverse generation to do evil in Your eyes. will you not turn Your face away from us and grant us Your mercy and grace? God I am here to intercede, to stand in the gap and seek You. Would you open heavens and pour out Your blessings on this land? Take back all the curses and deliver us from the evil one!! GOD WE NEEEED YOU

sorry, i tend to get agitated each time it comes to that.. God must hear the prayers of those who love You and fear You. so Father, give me the wisdom to handle all these. let me take not a bit of glory away from You. 

and Abba Dad, bless that man. i will wait till 24 September. I am sure you remember that it marks my second year of consecrating my heart for You. #consecrate 

我尽力了。

妈，

我真的尝试服侍你了。我尽了力满足你了，你还想怎样？我很累了。。。我很爱你，你知道吗？越爱，就越痛。是我这个做女儿的失败了吗？好怀念回到家大家有说有笑的一起吃饭。那些日子，都到哪儿去？对不起，妈。我做不到你要我作的，我不是你想象中要的女儿。你的要求太高了，是我不够好，原谅我吧。我真的尽力了。

女儿上。

One of those days.

Today is one of those days that I am all alone in the middle of the night.. i like it, yet not. you know that fine line between loneliness and time alone? someday i am not very clear myself. being alone is starting to become a norm and i am learning to deal with it. no, not bout feeling like i need a man's love 'cos i am single but its about doing every single thing on my own.

its like how the saying goes, "standing in a crowd full of people but yet feeling all alone".

i dont know how many people can relate to it. i used to be in need of attention from the opposite gender but i realise now is not the case. how do i say this.. its like, i dont mind being on my own these days.. but its just so saddening and discouraging to know that the things i do, i don't know who are there to back me up. who can I trust? who can i pour out my heart and soul to? who is here to hear me and comfort me? where is a girl friend who can walk with me in this journey?

God, I got no one else to turn to but You. I wish You're here right now. I want to see You and meet You. I want a hug, to fall asleep in Your arms. Never leave me nor forsake me Abba Father. Help me to know that even when the whole world walks on me You are here to stay with me. I dont need anyone else but You.

In all the things that I do.

He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

    Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-21 

He told me I would be a Daniel in my generation. Scary. But God, let me be wiser than my peers; let me always be praying and staying steadfast to my faith that nobody can ever find me denying You. Lord, when trials and tribulations come, when my enemies are awaiting at my doorstep, You rescue me and deliver me. Send Your angels to take me to Your safe refuge. Guide my steps and never let me fall without helping me up.

Father in Heaven, I commit tonight's final rally into Your hands. Only You can put me in a leadership position of influence. You anoint the kings and I am no different. I surrender my exchange programme into your hands knowing that none of this belong to me. You decide my life and my destiny. Your kingdom come and Your will be done here on Earth (in NTU) as it is in heaven. Help me choose to have faith and trust You even when all else fails. Give me the strength and courage to never seek man's approval but only Yours. Fill my heart with love for the people you love so deeply that You sent Your one and only Son to die on the cross for. I want my heart to beat for the things that Your heart beats for. Here I am, send me, use me for the greater good, for the further of Your kingdom, here in NTUSU. Thank You Jesus and I praise and worship You, Amen.

Times like these.

A tinge of sadness.

Its times like these that I know who I really matter to. To the people who care, who specially came down (or bothered to just drop me a text and say 'jiayou'), and to those who really prayed and made the effort to support me in one way or another, I really just wanna say it matters and I appreciate it a lot. While I may not do it for man to see, I believe God has placed me in a community to be loved and watch His love manifest. It filters down to a few people and these are the people I know who will stand by me through thick and skin, through rain or shine. Thank God for them. :')

I am glad that though I am reluctant, I am committed. I've barely started by God I know you're close and I want to say that I will finish strong and I ain't no quitter! The road that I choose may be harder but I can smile in the storm because Jesus is aboard. Lord, my lips will praise You all the days of my life. <3 p="">

If I AM for you, who can be against you?

He is a God of so much more!

OK, i am so sleepy now cos i slept less than my usual 8 hours of sleep and woke up early this morning for lab. well, the sad and ridiculous part is that i was late! i thought my watch was fast but i guess their clock was fast too... ):

but anyway, here's just a short post to praise the Lord! so happy that God really amazed me by sending me the people to join my committee... and i am WOWed bout what God can do when He did more than i can imagine. indeed. He desires to bless us so so much <3 br="">

Everything's gonna be OK.

yeah, finally some time alone... sitting in the computer lab in school doing my work right now.

everyday my hours are mostly spent on people.. cellgroup, meetings and catching ups over lunch and dinner. even when i am back in my room, my roomie or neighbour would be around. its not that i mind, its just that many times i prefer being shutting my mouth up and be on my own. i spend most of the rest of the time i have on my phone anyway. i would always be busy texting and replying emails.

before i go, just wanna share that i am tired. yeah, we all know how busy i am but i am choosing to hang on. it seems like i cannot even see the light at the end of this tunnel but i wanna keep walking and keep trusting God that He will provide. i cannot do this so i need His strength, grace and wisdom. i need His everlasting love to walk me through this journey. it'll be a season of breaking and healing, pruning and growing. it will be a time when i need Him more than anything else and to grow close to him.

God, I miss You. When I am tired Lord let me feel You close. When I am lonely Father help me know that You're just right here next to me embracing me. Give me the strength to carry on when my mind tells me I cannot do it anymore. Allow me to sink in Your grace when I am lost. If this is Your will then use me. God You protect me. You come and meet me every single day. I want wisdom that comes from You and send me the right people to do Your work. Let me not fear in men but only fear in You. Here I am, be the center of my life. Thank You and I love You. In Jesus' name Your precious gorgeous lovely daughter I pray, Amen.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 

Sorry.

And so, it has been two weeks since i came back. so much has happened already.

there were moments i was jaded, disappointed, upset and tired. many times i would sleep it away because that's my response mechanism - my form of escapism.

tomorrow i will have to face up to it. i will be OK. because God is with me. I just need to remember He is in control. right now, i refuse to do anything. I will simply go spend time with God.

goodnight.

8 days.

Sitting in front of the sofa bed in a simple room of munyee's place.

can't believe this is already my last night here. its been a privilege to have this little space on my own to romance with God. how i have always dreamed and wished for something like this. a short week is enough, really, cos i dont ask for more :')

really contented. and thankful. its been such a fruitful trip. literally from the shopping but also spiritually, emotionally and physically. i have been soooo happy all day long, sleeping every single moment i can and just coming back so close with the Holy Spirit.

i am so gonna miss this place. the slowness of pace and quietness of the neighbourhood. the friendliness of the people and the gentleness of nature. yes, what an eye-opener for me. for the first time i am away from singapore, out of malaysia away from 'authorities' (like church leaders and my mom) on my own to travel and see the world. well, this time round i still had company and i really thank God cos i wouldn't know how to survive alone! you've no idea how much i treasure this opportunity. i can't even find words to describe it...

TYJ. His sweet sweet presence has just been so amazing, so comforting and so loving. i have thoroughly rested and enjoyed myself. from being unable to believe that i am in perth to now leaving, what a journey it has been. and tonight i gotta start on my work because people have already chased me all the way here! haa.

P.S. photos coming right up!

goodnight :)

God knows best.

thankful that NTUc is growing :)

the NTUc leaders :)

what a week. last weekend was at campusrev camp in JB. was indoor all the way cos of the haze. invited a pre-believer called Joanne. just amazed by how receptive she is.. :') let's continue to pray that she will come to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Saviour! :)

after i came back, went for leaders' retreat. it was crazy. eight hours of intensed planning for the cellgroup. but it was a good time of bonding too. now i take more ownership in the cell i am leading. somehow, i still feel weird to hear people call me a cell leader. while i acknowledge it, i guess i need to really let it sync in. may be i am not used to it... or maybe, the name sounds so scary because truly, you're a life changer. for good or for bad, you decide.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

been only sleeping for four hours a day. didn't know what i was running on. oh yeah, must be God's grace and mercy. supposed to be at my g12 retreat this weekend. secretly thankful that its cancelled. well God, thank You for the rest. it was so much paying back of sleep debt :D

and also, i am really just thankful that weekend my mom wasn't in town to nag at me.. God, thank You :') all in Your hands, i know.

counting down... just four more days to my get-away! simply can't wait.

Blinded.

and so... masks on!

Weather: Hazy

haha, what's new this week besides the haze? started wearing masks because the PSI really soared to hazardous levels. i am not quite looking forward to the rain that will cool it down cos its gonna be acid rain... but well, God can change the winds to make it blow away. guess what's most important now is the root of the problem: people stop burning. noticed on social media that many singaporeans are complaining about the doings of indonesia. wonder what happened to 'love our neighbours'? well, i do agree that the minister who commented that we are childish is a little arrogant, but its no time to play the blame game.

blame game. yes, speaking of that... yesterday took a half day leave from research to go out and play (despite the fog). a tiny incident triggered an over reaction from me. as i went home last night to reflect, God revealed to me my belief system of self-blame. i am trying very hard to cope with my emotions and facing up to who i really am.

God, thank You for surfacing to me all the ugly sides of me so that i can change and be refined for the better. 

afterall, diamond comes from a mere piece of charcoal. carbon, on its own is useful and has so much potential. yet under high pressure and over time, it can form into a piece of jewel. and finally the diamond  must be polished before it will sparkle and be counted worthy.

so i pray that though this season is so much moulding and growing, i will not give up on my faith and the calling God has given me. i MUST finish strong. no excuses for anything less. 

and off i am, though tired, to johore bahru for campusrev camp! i remember that last year at this camp, i heard from God to move to youthnet. its a v painful decision and lately i do wonder if its a mistake... 

God, i repent! how can anything that comes from you be wrong at all? i am so short-sighted that i failed to see what you've in store for me and the greater plans...

well, so in the past week, i sum it all up as a battlefield in the mind. been rather depressed and stressed. i MUST encounter God in this camp tonight to clear up the air. i cannot lose sight of Him in the midst of all these chaos.

and most importantly.. though the haze ahead of me is thick and unbearable, He was and is always there. many times i failed to see Him, but His mercy and love remains. :')

so God, would you come and meet me face to face over this weekend? i missed You - Your warm embrace and Your sweet sweet presence - everything about You i miss You so.

Homework on BGR

Over the weeks, my cell group leader made us all do this. in some sense, i was lazy to take out this list after a good two years. but its also a good time to reevaluate it. so here goes the task:

Do your list of criteria of your future spouse. write our in order of most important.

1. Love God, fear God.
2. Serving people...
3. Humorous
4. Gentlemanly
5. Taller than me (preferably about or taller than 1.75m)
6. Mandarin-background
7. Filial
8. Decent job with regular and stable income
9. Can do housework! (not lazy)
10. Can cook basic proper meal and loves to eat (chilli)

then, take time to think of the most recent person you liked or you currently like. ask yourself why you like that person. list out in order of most importance.

1. Stable walk with God
2. Serving joyfully
3. Cheerful and funny
4. Helpful and competent as a leader
5. Fillial
6. Generous
7. Taller than me
8. Sweet and thoughtful
9. Good listener
10. Patient and gentle

compare the two lists. are they the same? is the order the same?

and so, i grouped the first 3 as being common in order though the way i described them are different. interestingly, i noticed that point 5 and 7 are actually close and the order reversed. hmmm

does it mean that i have been living in denial, or that the rest dont matter? idk. guess i will find out tonight at cell! i am excited and i know i cannot miss. haha!

恩典之路

never would have imagined myself to complete climbing 40 over flight of steps... these people taught me what was perseverance and to live in a community. they were all so much more fit than i am but they chose to wait for me because i wasn't well. in their words

"we signed up as a team, we're gonna complete this as a team."

wow, touched my heart. so thankful for each one of them for looking out for me... it was humbling for me as well to have to acknowledge that i am really not good enough.. i am really weak physically and i need to ask for help. nonetheless, great experience! paid money to torture myself but wow, the feeling of accomplishing it and knowing that you've fought a good fight, you've kept the faith and you've finished the race, simply amazing.
 

i look like i am OK here. but that was almost 30 mins after the race and i was still nauseous!

I LOVED OUR NONSENSE.

so to you my team mate if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3 p="">
was a great weekend. am busy with other work, and somethings got me upset.. but well..

i choose to thank God and praise Him anyway.

漪

Last night over dinner a friend incidentally gave me a new interpretation to my name:

"You've a lot of influence on others, like a ripple effect on your friends and even the future generations."

I cannot help but shiver remembering those exact words said to me. Wow, you mean I can be that powerful? 

Really makes me twice bout the things I do now.

The Little Things in life

Hello there. Here I am, back in action. :)

Well, no one's probably reading this little space but that's alright. it'll be pretty amazing to be reading all these 5 years down the road, maybe one day after I am married or I can show it to my kids in the future!

So anyway, its the summer holidays! I wouldn't call it the holidays though. Just went to dictionary.com to search up the definition of this word, and here goes:

hol·i·day

[hol-i-dey]

noun

1. a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.

2. any day of exemption from work ( distinguished from working day ).

3. a time or period of exemption from any requirement, duty, assessment
Apparently, I am not close to being exempted from work so yeah. But I am happy. I am happy serving the Lord and the people He loves. There were countless times I got mad, angry and upset, but if all these are a worship unto God and He is pleased with it then yes, God please bless me with Your grace, Your strength and Your wisdom to carry on until the day You come again to meet me face to face.

Let me take this opportunity to list down my commitments this season since it would probably help me in my processing too:

1.  I am on a summer research programme! 
I only went into the lab to conduct some mini experiments for 2 days. We were trying to extract and purify DNA of cells from a mouse. You've no idea no tiny the DNA strands are. A million cells only gave me THAT bit of DNA strands - the size of only this fullstop . The past two weeks were pretty much just hanging around trying to read up and start on my report. Its been a good time messing around with ZY too :) check it out below!

the COLD room

trust me, it was really cold. i've no idea what its temperature is but when we went in to mess with our DNA, we had to run out after just a good and short 2 minutes (considering that we still had time to take this photo)? madness. but. FUN.

 

2. NTU Freshmen Orientation Camp! 
and so, i somehow landed myself to be heading this camp again this year. sigh :( i know i can gonna do a way much better job than last year but having said that, it increases my stress level as well. i've less than two months before the camp and now the publicity and recruitment drive is underway. its exciting to see it happening but at the same time lots of uncertainty. i know my success is not found in the number of participants or what others say bout this camp.. so i am really trying to take it easy and give my best shot. pray for me that this camp will touch lives

3. SPMS buddies 
i THINK i am the programmer for this event. hahah, yeah i wanted to quit so badly but because the committee is so new and short of manpower that i decided to say. I know its good to be a stakeholder in my own faculty too so that i can be of greater influence and the salt and light! its extremely pressuring when you know that everyone is waiting for you to get things done to proceed to the next step. :'(

on a lighter note, work at TCW side has ceased because its school holidays for the main stream schools too. it was so hectic last week but enjoyed myself. at the same time, ministry has been pretty demanding too. why? on weekdays i am in school 9am-6pm and at night, i go to cg twice a week. other nights there are either leaders/prayer meetings or work meeting. i rarely get times to spend time with my love ones what more with myself... its especially difficult when my mom is home this season to nag at me. yes, i still do face loads of persecution and she still beats me... can't believe it cos i am alr 21. :(

just wanna whine a bit. i will still get things done!
lately, i noticed many people have been very concerned about me on whether I am getting attached with a boyfriend or not. my parents aside, recently a friend told me i am too CONSERVATIVE. ha, i wasn't really offended, just taken aback. after all, i follow the law that was return so many hundreds of years ago. ;) look at the amount of things i've to do everyday, where got time for BGR? please la... hahaha. OK i do admit once in a while, nice godly guys do stroll pass right before my eyes but i am not giving in just yet... not that i am unprepared but meanwhile, i just wanna make full use of this gift of singlehood God has blessed me this season of my life. i am, from the bottom of my heart, thoroughly happy with who i am right now and i look forward to fulfilling the God-given purpose as a confident and single woman before i enter into the next phase of my life. so, decided to re-read this book after getting it as my super-belated (almost 2 months late) 21st birthday present from my supervisor and his wife. been so blessed by it so far! :)

 alright, got to go and finish up my work. been procrastinating a while already. really hope to make my holiday next month a successful one. 

I NEED SOME TIME TO GET AWAY, SEE MY BESTIE, BE ALONE BY THE BEACH THINKING BOUT MY LIFE, FEEL THE WIND ON MY FACE AND TELL GOD HOW MUCH I MISS HIM AND I JUST WANNA BE WITH HIM.

 

I won’t let these little things  

Slip out of my mouth  

But if it's true 

It’s you  

Oh it’s you  

They add up to  

I’m in love with you  

And all these little things