maybe i am the giraffe... but is he the adam?

好熟悉的感觉。但又有些陌生，因为都已过了这么久。。。

today, i felt so cherished. i was actually being treated like a lady... not like a bro. yes, it was so nourishing. i felt so loved and so protected. as if like i was a princess and i can be that little girl i always long to. but of cos, i didn't let my guard down so easily. maybe i just felt more carefree today and didnt think much about work. i spent my time taking long walks which was rare. so rare.

and yes, i deserved to be treated well. i take it as an affirmation from the Lord.

yesterday someone told me 'you are a treasure'. my heart was so blessed. indeed, i desire to be that treasure in the field. but who is the one, who dares to go all out, to sell and give up everything to buy this plot of land?

Gek xim.

she told me she rather do things her way and get her heart broken to never have tried before and never find out if its possible. she didn't wanna obey me. she didn't want to believe in the bible. she refused to acknowledge and admit God's lordship over her life. 

i was very sad. to see how pride got in the way and how i can almost see that in the end, she would come running back, crying. there's no better way than His way. i can spend all my time and saliva trying to make sense to her but the heart is so hardened... she is sooo deceived. the lies that she lives in... so scary. 

well, i had to face the fact. she is not probably gonna change her mind. i can only pray and battle for her in the spiritual realm and never give up on her. i will be waiting for her return, just like how the Father awaits the prodigal son to turn back. 

as i took a step back, it really got me thinking. what is this compared to how God must have felt when He knew she was gonna betray Him? i was only getting a taste of His broken-heartedness. I am sorry God... i am willing to repent on her behalf. forgive her for she knows not what she is doing. 

it really hurts the Father when we do not walk in His way.. because He knows best for us. yet He chose to give us free will. thank You Lord. :')

58 days.

Time flies.  its only mid week but I am feeling fatigue because I just came back from campusrev camp over the weekend and I stayed up to for ntu fest meeting to do work. Yes v quickly we are counting down to less than 8 weeks away. Somehow, I still cannot believe this is happening. O Lord, let me not belittle what You can do through me.

Campusrev camp has always been life changing for me. When I was a freshie, God spoke to me there and I sensed His calling to serve and eventually led to a shift im cg. The next year, again I sought God and was led to rise up to my position of influence in school. Finally this year as I dread going due to the jadedness (which I repented on) I felt over the years,  I felt at peace over the trip. Though slightly distracted,  I knew I was playing a different role now. I am a leader over my members who too desire to serve. I am blessed to know that they caught the fire.

Lately,  I also struggle in the different hats I wear. One moment we are friends, another we are co-leaders and then finally we are also committee members working in the same project. When I look at you, many times my heart cringed. I dont know how to help you as much as I want to. Its a journey for you and I pray that the Lord will speak to you.

给自己一个机会。

when i turned 21, on the birthday party i threw, i suddenly noticed many suitors. after secondary school, after i came to know the Lord, for a few years somehow i didn't hear of many chasing me anymore. and then suddenly they all appear together again. i receive many bouquets of flowers over the year, of whom a few are pre believers. there are also a few who are actually 'ready candidate' recommended by others...

i am just glad that i chose to consecrate my heart when i was 20. because if i hadnt... i would probably be picking up those broken pieces of my heart now. i remember so clearly during G12 conference that year i told the Lord i will leave my heart at the altar and if any man wants to retrieve it, he has gotta go through Him. till today, i am waiting for that man who will go and kneel at the altar and ask God for it. 

yes there were times i was attracted to some guys but i made sure i drew my boundaries clear. maybe it was out of fear to fall deep and then getting hurt later. but maybe its also because i didnt wanna be like the old who is only in love with the feeling of being in love and being in love with all the attention i get... that is just so selfish. i wanna truly be in love and committed to a God-fearing man.

this season, i have finally decided to get down and pray about this man. i don't deny i have someone in mind... but first, 我要过得了我自己这关。God, would you please tutor me?

I miss my mom.

its been three weeks. she talked to me once a week and it is always so sarcastic. sometimes i see the pain and pride in her. but you know what? it is merely a mirror reflection. if i refuse to try to coax her, how can i blame her that his relationship is not working out?

万事开头难。i struggle to open my mouth first because i fear the awkwardness to comes after. how would she react? i mean, the worse is she hangs my call and ignores me. maybe she can even scream at me and call me nuts. definitely it hurts and so its stopping me from doing so.

its one thing about her not giving me allowances and i have to work very hard to support myself. but i think what matters to me more is that am i going to continue living under this roof as if i am invisible?

told SW on monday night i will really try to work something out with my mom. sometimes its precisely cos she's my mom, i unknowingly have certain expectations of her. its knowing that she may react in the human way but still wanting to try it because i am going to believe in God for a miracle. God help me... its been so many years...

Where should I start?

ever since i recovered for my bad week of fever and cough, i returned to two weeks of hectic work. it got my mind off much things, kept me active but also took up a lot of my time. it was a good excuse to skip several school meetings but of cos because of that i got some superiors upset. right now i am actually trying to take regularly time out and leave to ensure i can still complete my tasks on time!

tonight is actually one rare day i return before 10pm. met yuling and jolene earlier. it was nice getting to know them and thankful for yuling being willing to let me walk her two girls through the next season of her life in NTU.

i actually fear. maybe because they are not new christians so they may know even more than i do? maybe they will questions that i don't have answers? maybe they are not my own fruits so i feel that awkwardness in trying to break ice and get to know them? but Lord, let me counter all these in faith. how to lead them i dont know but Lord teach me to just be a blessing to them. i need to walk right with You and be grounded in Your Word before i can even share and disciple anyone. those fears are invalid because i trust that as long as i follow God and have a genuine desire to want to care and love them and grow them, it doesnt matter what intellectual and/or theology queries they can bombard me but You can use me to speak to them. of cos i pray they also have a soft and open heart to want to submit to my leadership and account to me. i shall look forward to getting to know that and build a relationship...

in the past few days, i have been thinking a lot. i woke up praying every morning ensuring that i dont 走火入魔 and sink into depression once again. its really wisdom to know when to stop 'reflecting'.

1. of cos there has been much progress with NTU Fest and i am thinking strategically how i can position myself in the education gate for now... my time here is gonna be up very soon and i need to spend it effectively. what is God's dream for Singapore in education? earlier this morning i was asked about some ideas i can contribute to the school too...

2. got back my result last week. maybe the word to use was devastated. haha, yes but only for one day dont worry. i am glad i wasnt at work if not i would certainly be distracted. couldnt help but wonder if God really intended for me to stay in NTU a little longer now that i possible have to extend a semester... well, if its meant to be, then God could you please provide for the school fees and my daily allowances and expenses? it is REALLY beyond me. the thought of it scares me. many people tried to tell me not to worry about that.. i mean, i was never taught how to 'borrow' money or to accept monetary assistance so i do not know how to receive even if they want to bless me. to me, if i can work for it, i will do it to the best of my ability so i reject them. but i really need to work something out somewhere. would it be possible that God actually send people to bless me with cash to pull through till i actually start working?

3. YF gave me a good 'lecture' over the weekend when we had lots of travelling time during D&G's wedding. you can say i saw it coming... he was good. he put it across to me so gently and lovingly that i just had to admit, go back and repent about my blind spots. we talked about much but all i can remember right now is that i seriously have pride issues (especially when it comes to working with man). i need to tone down, soften the manly side of me and seek to become a helper who can empower and see the potential in SW. its not the first time its surfacing yes that's true. and so OK, i will work on it. God help me!! i wanna also make it a point to evaluate the kind of people i hang out with. i would jolly well better stop hanging out with people whom so naturally drawn to agree with what we discuss about (mostly when it comes to putting judgement on others). no i cannot. cos that's being wise in my own eyes! absurd. and as i am writing this, i already have two very dear friends in mind. God, deal with us so that my hearts will be right before You.