9 DAYS.

that's my neighbour's dog, maagie.

she decided to pay me a visit while im using my computer.

she was so cute i started playing with him.my dog, Harry, became jealous and look, they fought. being a lot younger, maggie retreated and went to find help from my maid. LOL

that was random enough. haha. apologies for the lousy shots though. i had a hard time taking them cos they kept moving about!

anyway, in case you're wondering, i stopped counting for the days to the start of exams, cos promos alr started. but instead, i shall look forward to the end of it! :D how positive of me, ALL THANKS TO AMABEL...

school's been boring. i kept skipping lessons just to study. feel so bad. LOL. yeah, and i still havent finished my revision. well, i never can. hahaha. by the way, GP paper was just OK. i dont wanna think bout it anymore cos there's other papers like ECONS AND BIO to focus on. they're killing me. but its OK. 9 more days. and im gonna watch my movies, read my books and do all the sports i wanna do!!

oh, something i wanna be thankful about this week...

1. LYW. she's awesome. i just cant get over the fact that we're friends for nearly 10years alr! my goodness... time flies, I FEEL OLD. lol

2. MET MARUIYAN AND MA SHIMIN for lunch ytd. (i hope i spelled her name right, HEH)
they really made my long and tiring week all worthwhile. ;)

Tattoo.

Got my mom one of those 'sports necklace' just now! i mean, not literally. cos i got Joy's friend to ship it over from Japan. pretty cool huh? i hope it works on my mom though! want her to stay healthy :)

today was a good day. :D shopping with mommy was awesome! we went to get some shoes at far east, and of cos, NOT FORGETTING MY FAVOURITE PEACH TARTS FROM HANS.i bout a dozen of them and went home happily. it was really great talk with my mom on the way. what a fruitful day i had, so im happy.

anyway, i guess my appetite's almost back. it was crazy having sushi the other day. then today when my mom's home, i almost get to eat everything i ask for. maybe its a good thing my mom's not always around with me to feed me. OR ELSE I REALLY WILL PUT ON WEIGHT EASILY MAN. hahaha. :D

ok, its a long weekend ahead but i already wasted one day away already. tomorrow i shall continue with intensive mugging! GP paper's in 5 days. hurray *rolls eyes*

before i go off, i must say that... I GIVE ON FREAKING PW, like seriously.

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

MASS SPAMMING OF RANDOM PHOTOS :D

me mass pressing my itouch :D

that's amabel in boring boring math lecture.

hardworking ppl. & empty canteen.

that's pastamania day with Miss Su! ((:

we had this random little quiz of each other among the clique. you should take a look at the result. LOL

we were supposed to be studying at shaw. but ya.

Manhattan Fish Market at Iluma with Su!

i think amabel and i drew those weird creatures below. =X

teachers' day!

they love me too much, i cant help it :D

random camp photos!

volunteers!

munyee, zhiyang & dave. :D

my two year old nephew whom decided to sit on my bed and not leave.

MY MOTIVATIONAL MESSAGE BY AMABELAU :D

17.09.2009
sakae buffet with dearest Su!

19.09.2009
helped out in kitchen. messed up my mom's cooking! ha :D

9 days?

apologise for losing track of counting down, im really too busy to take note of it. exams are coming, that i know, but there's way more others things on my mind, things i should be doing instead of using my fingers to count how many more days before the commencement of my exams. LOL

got back my PW WR, probably the last draft. it was bad, like really bad. at least it wasnt what i, as the group leader, expected. what's gonna happen to my A man. :( oh wells, what to do, if its meant to be then so be it.

so anyway, my week couldnt get any worse. started off feeling all so sleepy, then had a bad fall ytd. talking bout this, i really havent fallen down for a while! ahh, luckily nobody saw, or it would be embarassing =X thank God my friends are around to make my days and weeks go by with fun and laughter. you know who you are, so THANKYOU ;)

of all the stress im feeling right now, i would seriously say, the things that are happening at home do play a big part. life sucks. mine does. hope i'll be able to juggle well everything. my friends my family my studies! dont worry bout me, cos GuoYi is strong, she'll definitely be able to get throught it. what's life without challenge man

speaking of which, i've put up a nice little picture up there. (YES, BLOGGER'S ALIVE) thought i just wanted to encourage everyone who's reading this right now. there's still a long way to go in life. you mustnt give up, not until you see the end. keep walking despite the future looking bleak. cos dont forget, i'll be there to walk with you! ;)

OK, enough of rubbish tonight. i do have quite a bit of work to finish up so that i'll be able to help others tomorrow. haha, goodbye and goodnight world. [[=

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head

I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you

Miss Invisible.

YAYE, and my lyrics are back, finally! BUT NOT MY PHOTOS YET. i thought blogger was ready for my photos spamming, then again, MAYBE NOT. its not reacting to me OK, so mean!

i think i sounded better, have i? yupp, as the saying goes, 'the candle burns the brightest just before it goes off'. im a person, who's really extremely deprived of sleep. basically, i stayed up all night yesterday to mug, to make up for all the time i've lost and spent on other things. a little regretting, but i guess the camp i've gone through is all that worth it! XD

well, over here, i should stop being negative and complain bout how sucky my life is. things will just get better. im not exactly looking forward to school on monday, but i'll shall not run away from it! perhaps i just need to get some good sleep tonight!

P.S. what more can i ask for, when i've someone who's ever so encouraging? thank you Mr. K, you never fail to be there for me when my world's falling onto me! ;]]

And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she cant find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry

3 Weeks.

To be more accurate, GP paper's gonna commence within 20 days... For now, it's my weakest subject. Cos hurray, I actually got a S for the common test. Pretty unexpected huh? I didn't know what I was doing too. Time to wake up, guoyi!

To summarize my week, I would say it's stressful plus tiring and totally wrong. Everything just didnt go the way i wanted it to be! Put the tiring aside cos I was busy rushing from school to bukit merah then back home to help in the upcoming camp I'm involved in. I too had to juggle with my studies and of cos sleep. Being too overly ambitious and having really lousy time mangement, I'm not only deprived of sleep now, but also lagging behind by a lot for school work. It's bout time I better stop slacking and watch what I'm doing! Because of this, I'm a little mad at myself. Sigh

Well, life ain't that bad. There are also things I must thankgive about. Thursday, I expected the unexpected! Fate, indeed, love to fool people. Many times I wanted to give up, miracles happen to make me believe that I'm not a weakling and I shouldn't just give in. For that, i'm just gonna hang on a little while more and see how things go.

Guess I've to go start mugging already, so ciao!

P.S. I just wanna show you, she doesn't even know you.

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.

Just when I thought I was contented with life, obstacles never fail to come my way.

After very very long, I felt like crying again. I don't know. I'm worried for my mom, cos she hasn't been feeling quite well. I worried for my sisters too, cos they aren't coping great either. Most importantly, when I'm all worried bout others, at times I really feel so helpless. I have to worry bout my own health, worry bout my friends, and of cos, studies.

These two days, I'm utterly disappointed at myself for being sucha loser. First, I don't have the courage to face myself, face my own problem and solve them before I should even face others. There are some things which make me hate myself so badly that sometimes I wonder why God was being so unfair. I know I shouldn't doubt Him, and that I'm unique in my own special way, but why did everything have to be me? Somedays, I really feel like breaking down; I really don't have the strength to fight with the inner me. Guess what's hurts the most could only be that my mom's the one who is always showering all her tender loving care on me. How shameful it is; just how much I've let her down. Afterall I ain't no filial daughter like you think i am anymore, right?

Then, perhaps I'm also a lousy friend, am I? When I saw everyone today, they were all so different. I hate to admit that I know I can't stop them from changing, but why, why did I, a best friend of hers in the past, failed to guide her in the wrong path , and allow her to go astray? I don't think I'm fit to be a friend, cos I failed my job. Oh, just how much it hurts to see her remembering me. Indeed, I don't have the courage to be her best friend anymore.

Whateva's happening at home now, I won't deny the fact that things will get any better. However, I choose to pray that as a family, we'll be able to be like one, bond as one, and stick as one. That really is, the minimum I wish to see of everyone at home.

Alright, so here's what's affected me most today. It's this person, that has made a significant difference to my life. He is, and should long be, forgotten by me already. But as most of you may know, your friend here can be very stubborn at times. Knowing that holding on is a waste of time and can be exhausting, I refuse to let it go. I took the bus we once took, been to the place we once been. Just so you know, it hurts so bad to just see all my memories unfold in front of me. I am, if you haven't realized, someone who fears the power of reminiscing. Nice things, truly shouldn't be forgotten, but when are you going to fade ahead from my head? At least, don't let me think about sonething that's already 730 days ago! I'm sorry to say that I'm pretty sure that seeing me today was probably the smallest thing that can happen in your life today. I hate you, yet I missed you.

P.S. I always start my sentences with I, I, and I. I think... I feel... I'm totally just full of myself, OK?

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yes, 4 weeks more...

that's another one month left. and in fact, minus away all the weekends, the study breaks, my first paper is in 3 weeks. goood job. im into my intensive studying now, so YOU YOU YOU, stop asking me out. HAHA, unless its to study :D

yaye. i'm so thankful for su and joy in my life. the two adults i love to hang with. i can tell them everything under the sun, knowing that its safe with them, and that they never fail to give me the answers i need. you know, they never once fed me with solutions, but instead, they tell me things that lead me in my thinking. i always feel good after that, cos i seem to have managed everything in my mind then. so yupp, with them around, my week's been a pretty happening one. :D

i wonder what to expect for next week. im getting stressed up again. holidays for monday and tuesday is one thing, there are many tests on wednesday onwards. furthermore, my september holidays are already almost all booked. argh. now im freaking myself up with the exam schedule i've received just ytd. i really need to do some planning and focus! most importantly, i need to learn to prioritize. =X

P.S. its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

5 Weeks.

was out at shaw with the girls today to mug. wasnt productive at all. wasnt just me. they were too. but for me, i've a reason! my left eye kept blinking. uh huh! before i headed home, i dropped by the optician and found out that i tore my second pair of contact. kill me pls, seriously. you dont know how much it cost, how afraid i am to admit it to my mom! thank God i didnt get the permanent one man... yeah, im grateful that my eye wasnt hurt too!

one week slipped away quickly. things happened. yes, i did stupid things, and is still doing them. hahaha. oh wells, im blinded, im mad and somebody, HELP ME PLS. i was so badly affected. ok, i still am. and i hate it this way. HA. never mind.

anyway, i had a pretty good week. caught two movies OK! 'where got ghost' was rather lame and stupid, as expected, but 'the proposal' was awesome. really good you know. i highly recommend it. so, i had two comedies just in 3 days, shows that life aint that bad afterall. heh. BUT BUT BUT, enough already, gonna start mugging and no more movies till promos are over in another month!

just before i go off, as usual, i've something more to complain... my grades for my main subjects are ABCC. i wouldnt say im satisfied with them, yet im already one the better ones. what more can i say? then again, im competing with the inner me so i must continue to strive. i know i must hang on, for i see the light at the other end alr. there's still quite a long way though. well, i guess there's rooms for improvements man. really. i really want to enter uni. LOL

P.S. up down left right, which way do i go? please guide me the way...

6 Weeks Exactly...

Today, I felt so disappointed. Cos all I saw was Cs. Forget bout econs, but my bio isn't doing so well. Math aside (praying hard that I did well for my latest test), my Chinese sucks. I thought I made a promise to myself to improve on my mother Tongue, but apparently, I went back on my words. I hate myself today. Really, I really do.

Chuck studies in a corner. I was more of upset because of the people around me. I loathe hypocrites. I thought I could trust her, I thought I didn't have to believe them, but guess I'm wrong. Cos today, I'm convinced that you were all along lying. How could you?

Chemistry SPA is tomorrow. Hurray, can't wait to get it over and done with. Afterwards, I finally can sit down focus and start on my intensive revision for promos! I know I can do it, I know I don't need cca to get me into university.

Last but not least, before I go, I must say, after hearing all the troubles the other groups are facing while doing their written report for project work, I felt rather thankful that mine ain't as bad as I thought. I'm working with pretty nice people so I really hope we all so well together. For amabel, jiayou k! Believe in yourself that you'll make a good leader :)

P.S. Looking forward to seeing lovely Su, my godbro, raymond and his beloved Zoey! :D

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One And A Half Months

Having some family dinner now. Like literally family, cos there are 12 of us. The food taste nice, but I guess what's more meaningful is that all of us finally found the time to sit down to eat together. So heartwarming... Aww. Haha

Anyway, 6 weeks more to promos. I'm already starting to count down cos I must start mugging! Even though I bid goodbye to full exemption and is not going to Russia anymore, I still cannot forget bout aiming for my scholarship! LOL, so for now, to all my school mates, your better start revision too! No more time to slack ya?

P.S. Manda, it maybe difficult to watch the one you love, love someone else. But it's ok, it's better than watching the one you love hate you.. [[:

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I'm Sad.

i failed econs test. I'm sad.
i panicked during chem SPA today. I'm sad.
i am not confident with tomorrow's math test, for once. I'm sad.
i have bio test on friday. I'm sad.
i havent had dinner. I'm sad.
i have PW WR to do. I'm sad.
i have the A level chem SPA next week. I'm sad.
i really think i've been slacking alot. I'm sad.

i wish i wasnt so distracted. :(

i shall go sleep soon. there's PE tmr, should be something to be excited bout. LOL. but i hope it rains, so i'll have time to study. OK, I JUST CONTRADICTED MYSELF. never mind. at the very least, joy's email came at the right time. i'll be looking forward to go volunteer myself and help out! hurray :D

Ouch.

well, i guess the truth really did hurt. shouldnt have bugged him for the answer, cos if not, i might still be happily living in my own happy world now. HAHA. hmmm, but then again, i should be glad. i get to go for someone else now. :D

THINGS NEVER GO MY WAY

The Climb.

i know everyone loves this song and here is how it goes:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking


And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

_________________________________________________

yeah, that's how i encourage myself, and i hope my friends never give up too!

anyway, today's the day. HAHA. yeahh, truth shall be revealed and i'll be awaiting for the results. im quite prepared but i guess i just wouldnt know how i'll react on the spot! its OK, the time will come and i think no matter what it is, i'll call miss amanda up and have a good laugh with her. :D:D

by the way, happy national day. lol. would you please tell me school is not starting on tuesday? please tell me there isnt chem SPA to do; tell me there isnt bio test on fri. but well, you can always tell me that i get to watch orphan and up next week. and also i get to attend the countdown YOG event at padang on friday. busy GuoYi's gonna be back real soon. ahh, i think i've been slacking, so can someone please slap me and wake me up?! i want to get exempted and go russiaaa. :( cmon everyone, let's get into our mugger mode and push ourselves for promosss. WHOO

P.S. Pauline, dont be so negative, JIAYOU!

One Step At A Time.

it says it all:

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen

today was a long and tiring day. i wasnt supposed to be out, not cos i was quarantined. it was just sunny and my mom didnt want me to fall sick. she gave me a deal. stay home and i get 100 bucks in my pocket, or go out and pay for my own movie, own meals, own transport for the day. which fella in the right mind will change the latter one?! well, i did. cos it was for eddy. he was definitely worth much more than that. he said he wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. and it really upsets me. :( blame myself for not spending time wisely with him. what's the point of regretting now? ahhhh.

the outing today was disappointing anw. i was glad that many turned up. but yet, unhappy bout certain ppl. what more can i say? im nobody there to voice out my unhappiness so what can i do? i thought i was especially quiet then. and what's worse? he didnt realise. in his eyes, all there is, isnt me anymore. its OK, i'll get over it.

well, thank God i came back early and didnt hang out with them anymore. like i said, it wouldnt have made much difference. so, i came back to talk to Mr. Stone. and for thatttttt. i gotta count down, 3 days to dooms day. HELP ME SOMEONEEEEEEEEEEEE =X

Friendship.

There's just such a deep meaning behind this word. At times, I thought I really know it means. But yet at other times, I've no idea what is it all about. why is it so? why is it so hard to understand? am i even a good friend to start off with?

Some of them, they just come and go. all hypocrites. they try to come close to me, make use of my weakness, for being too nice, for im one who believes in others easily. Others, stay throughout my life. i dont have to name them, cos they know who they're. they know how much they mean to me, and they'll dare to admit they're the ones. i know it, cos i trust them.

today, i cannot be more than thankful of 3 very understanding friends. for a while, i havent felt so truthful before. i felt so light now cos i let some of the air out. hahaha. yeahh. i didnt want to, but i did. and i guess it was a good thing. cos its way too unhealthy for me to keep it inside, hide it all away from everyone. today, i finally found the courage to confide in them. im glad i did it. but well, there's more to go. where we ended wasnt the end of the story yet. i'll learn, i'll try, i'll continue to stay this way, and tell them things they want to know, to let them know bout me better. i wonder, is my mind really that difficult to read? well, im sorrie bout that! =X

so, i conclude that, getting quarantined and missing school isnt sucha bad thing after all. i still got to see them, meet up and talked alot! we studied too OK! :D

just what is wrong with blogger? my blog looks like emo, so depressing and so dull without the colours of some photos. for so long, I CANT UPLOAD MY PHOTOSSSSSSS. im going mad over it. help!! OK, for now, please view it at: my FB page :D thank you.

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Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know.

bloggers' down again and im not lying. i wasnt being lazy to upload my photos ok. its always like that. ahh. PERHAPS ITS THIS LAPPY.

anyway, i've no idea whether i should be overjoyed or just plain sorrowful that im gonna have impromptu one week holiday. hahaha, all thanks to the LOA that was issued a while ago by my sch cos of the h1n1... there goes my SPA trial, my lectures... but well, a break that came just in time. :D but thinking bout having to make up in the september for all these lessons that my class is going to miss, oh man, that sucks. yeah, it really does.

not being able to sch also means not being able to see SOME PPL. haha. e.g. my clique of girls. :D but i guess i had enough of them ytd. it was really crazy partying ytd. i laughed so much i almost died. XD

P.S. i really dont wanna be the last to know what others already do. i suppose the As people (amanda amabel annabel) will know what this means:

I need to hear you say
You love me all the way
And I don't wanna wait another day
I wanna feel the way you feel
Oh, c'mon

HAHAHA :D

累了，是心累，而不是身累。

今天，我心烦意乱。我也不知为何，就是好像有些心事什么的。嗨！或许是功课压力？也可能是朋友的关系吧。

现在，用华文字好像才能解释我心中的感受。其实，我就是觉得自己好像不由自主地悄悄暗恋上一个不该喜欢的人。糟了啦，这次该怎么办？！ ：（

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晴天

从前从前，有个人爱你很久。但偏偏，风渐渐，把距离吹地好远。

Don't ask me what's with the Chinese there today. I've no idea too. Just been listening to some jay's songs.

Somethings into me. I feel sian. Might be the emo songs? Hai. Ok, at least it's not econs. haha, maybe i'm just tired. But there's must be something inside troubling me :(

Oh wells, side track. Today went back to secondary school to check out. Yeah. It's like walking down the memory lane. Gone were those days when the softball girls would stay back till late evening with the soccer guys. I couldn't help but reminisce. It felt as if I could even hear the noise we once made. Oh, those good old days. Everything has changed and the feeling of going back there is no longer the same. It's just been awhile but it's funny how long it feels like when I look back and think bout it. This part of my life will I promise to keep closely with me. Cheers to NTE.

I remembered how someone used to always tell me, 'play hard, study smart.'. You're indeed one of the very few people that left me a great impact in my life that I cannot manage to forget you. Thank you!

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Part Of A Fool.

hello, im back on my com, but seems like blogger is down. i cant really add photos, AGAIN. fateee.

anyway, i feel so lucky today. haha, i didnt study for the weekends, for once, and guess what? econs test got postponed! phew, for that, i shall make sure i study real hard and not slack my time away. gotta make up for it and do well on friday! for chem, forget it. heh. lalala. i dont think im gonna study for chinese test too... so this week should be pretty free! bout time to catch up with some people.

just received an invitation for an outing on friday. hmmm, had a mixture of feelings. was quite shocked, yet happy. at the same time, i hesistated to agree immediately because i just cant imagine how its gonna feel like to be there once again. awkward, shy, fun, weird or just plain boring? will i make a difference and there and will i spoil the whole thing? if i didnt, would i be spoiling my own day then? well, in the first place i already had something on. its lydia's birthday, we're probably gonna do something bout it. so ya, OK. fine, i admit, that's a lousy excuse. deep inside, i think i wanna go. see those friends i havent seen in ages. argh, for those who know who they are, I MISSED YOU GUYS, seriously

P.S. somedays, even though you're already here, i just feel that the distance between us is growing. what's going on? perhaps i cannot accept you anymore. perhaps its like what others say, 'you can be sitting right next to me, but yet feels like a thousand miles away.' how cliche. HA

I've been there before and I just can't let go.
The memories and pain of the hurt i know.
Now deep in the night, and there's passion inside....
Dare i follow my heart?

Thankful

Today, I see that I'm indeed a fortunate girl. I thank God for everything. :))

Whenever anyone asks me how's life in JJ, I always wouldn't know what to say. But I guess, today I kinda found the answer. It has gotta be my clique of girls, my awesome friends like pauline, that makes me wanna stay in that horrible place. Ha. Without them, I cannot imagine how everything's gonna be like. Well, I see that back then, I've made the right choice to take the bio combi class, and that I didn't transfer away. :))

Nonetheless, I am greatful for such a marvellous family. For all the things that happened in the past, it's okay, cos I forgive and forget. I'm just glad that my home is what I call a home. I finally know that the people here are the ones I can lean on even when the sky falls.

Of cos, my other friends, like kelvin, mun yee, joy and wendy have gotta be people that have never given up on me. They never fail to be there when I need them! Thank you :))

Life maybe more difficult now, but I believe I deserved some compliments, encouragements and praise. That's because I've studied harder than I ever did, work for the results that I've never gotten. Oh, how I miss those primary school, secondary school days. Those times when I don't have to do anything and just slack my life away. It's alright. I'll continue doing what I'm doing now. In turn to come, I'll be that successful girl I always wanted to be. For those whom don't believe I can do it, you just wait and see! :))

Oh, last but not least, life rocks cos there's PEE-SEE-O-TWO ;)) what's sch without him around? he's the cure to all my stress, my motivation for sch everydayyyy! :D:D

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randomness

I hope this works. Cos I'm like blogging with my itouch now. I thought I would just post something for my followers since I haven't did for a week alr. Right, nothing much this week. As usual, I was drowned with work and tests. So I really need to sleep now.
P.S. Wish me luck for tmr

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Two Atoms In A Molecule.

OK, i guess my results werent THAT bad afterall. perhaps they just look better on my progress report. HA. of cos, they arent awesome so there's bound to be rooms for improvement. i should be thankful that im getting rewarded! :D

my moodswing period must have passed. no, it must be after meeting munyee and the guys that made me high. hahah. its just great to see them again, after ten thousand years. :D

next week there's 5 tests. whoo, life rocks! i already had my oral ytd, so i believe this tough time is going to pass real quickly. i shall have to persever! RIGHT, AMANDA, ANNABEL, AMABEL & PAULINE. jiayou ya? dont let what comes along beat you down; you peeps always have my support! :D

2 hours ago, i was already supposed to have started on my EOM final draft. but apparently as you can see, im wasting my life away here. oh man, kill me please. D:

P.S. my conscience is clear, i dont need you to judge me.

I mean if love is just a game
Then how come it's no fun?
If love is just a game
How come I've never won?
I guess maybe it's possible I might be playing it wrong

Thanx 4 Nothin'.

no offence to all my friends, especially my classmates, who are reading this right now.

i curse and i swear. im feeling that sucky. i mug and mug, and what did i get in return? just those same old bloody results. dont compare with me if you're not doing as well as me. im not being proud, but i just hope for your understanding. we're different people and naturally different expectations. i am that much of a perfectionist to ask for the best of the best results for myself, not because i wanna win anyone. even if it means losing to others, its OK, as long as i achieve what i want. but now, after all the not sleeping, all the not getting to enjoy just because im going to study, this kinda bull shit marks reflects how much effort i put in? were my eyes playing tricks on me or am i just not good enough? am i born stupid or what? why do i have to be thrown down and be shattered, so disappointed when my hopes were all high up there? how do i describe the feelings in me now? its like everything's not going my way and i cannot do anything bout it. what do i do?

please, please dont force me to give up. i dont want to, i cannot.

Every day and every night
I stay by the phone
Never go no place so just in case
You call I'll be home

True.

i was rushing to blog last night so i shall rant here right now what i wanted to do ytd:

there's an alien many things on my mind bothering me i dont know where to start.

sometimes, i think this world is rather sad. everyone always has a prob. nobody is ever contented or satisfied. when you've a million bucks, you want a billion. if you have a billion alr, you want even more. you start to go for things you dont have; invent things that were never there. just because of all your greeds, you keep asking for more, even at times against your conscience, just for your own convenience. i cannot deny i'm one of them, but this is human nature. too hard to please mankind. how sad, how pathetic.

must be wondering why im talking bout all that? its just that i've seen how everyone is always complain about everything. my family, my friends. they all have never ending problems. its my turn to vent too. cos i need to. i aint no bottomless pit that everyone can always talk to, i've kinda reached my limits too. i always try to help others, but there's just so much i can do. sometimes i feel helpless too. furthermore, i ensure that i assure all the ppl around me that im always there for them, but who is always here for me when i need? i dont know. i really dont know. i know i've friends and family, but sometimes, i havent an idea who i can approach when im in deep shit. i agree that as one grows older, you tend to be more independent. unfortunately, simultaneously, we also close up to the world. when we're still kids, we always blabber out everything on my mind. we never have to bother who's there to listen and what we speak. yet, we realise that we're unable to do that today, in this complicated society, because the more we say, the more trouble we get into. this is why we all believe that we should just shut up, isnt it? we hide away our feelings, we all become so sarcastic so arrogant and so annoying, i despise these hypocrites.

sigh, that aside. i feel so lost at this very moment. lost the meaning of life at 17. yeahh. been feeling this way for a while and i havent found a way out. like i said, repeating my routine everyday, it just feels so tiring. so stressed up over studies; never stop worrying that i might disappoint my mom anytime i stop mugging for the next upcoming quiz. my dreams, many a times, seems so far away. nonetheless i continue working real hard for it, continue to believe in myself. then again, i must admit, im just not confident enough. there were too many times i felt the urge to give up, just because i doubt myself.

to add on, i do have many very disappointing ppl around. its OK if they're not my close buddies. but it just upsets me when they're those i care especially much. trust me, it just hurts. hurts so much that no matter what i cannot stop thinking bout them. there were those whom has changed, whom i still dont understand how they can simply forget all the wonderful things we'd done together; there were some who just cannot be bothered and lost contact with me despite me putting in effort to catch up with them. these are the things that i cannot help. nature has taken its course and so be it. i really need to learn to face this fact. it makes me hate myself, for i fear to adapt to changes around me. i wish time would stop and let things remain as it is. do you know that i question myself now and then, question my abilities, ask myself 'why am i so lousy?', 'is this the best of me yet?' & 'im sure i can stretch further, can i?' i dont wanna be selfish, but neither do i aspire to be a saint. but hey, can i tell you that i'm only like you, i need some encouragement too. i aint no robort, i cant do as you say and most importantly i cant be perfect? so stop pushing me, stop shaping me into the perfectionist i dont want to be. i try and try just to suit you guys, but no matter how hard i try, i cannot. is this wrong? i want to be myself, but its so difficult. i wish i didnt set such high expectations for myself, but that wouldnt have made me who i am today.

well, no solutions found to all the problems mentioned above till present. its alright. i'll continue to look for one. in the meanwhile, let it continue to torture me mentally and physically. im prepared, im sure there's still a long way before i go berserk, so no worries everyone, seriously. i just thought i kept everything in there for a while and its bout time ppl should know how i feel. yeah. hope this wouldnt change your impression about me? lol.
ignore this post if you find it lengthy; its just a confession of a perfectionist.

P.S. it feels like i've just written an essay. HAHA, i pray that tomorrow will be a better day. =)

Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough.

And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

STUPID BLOGGER. STUPID STUPID STUPID. i cant upload my dearest photosssssss. there's like a thousand of them, so that's DAMN SAD. my blog's so black so dull and soooo boring if i dont add more colours to it. argh. ok nvm, me gonna chill, shall spam this post with wordssss. but i dont have much time, ITS ALR 11PM AND THERE'S SCH TMR, kill me pls.

first of all, sunday was indeed, a crazy day. it was out with 6d ppl a.k.a the nanhua-ians. played pool, they ate lunch and i only joined them after my tuition. was shocked that quite a number of them actually bothered to turn up. and as the 'organizer', i didnt feel so bad afterall. its just a pity that i didnt get to see the rest. missed them! well, at first i wasnt really keen, but i must say its just nice catching up, seeing them again and reminiscing. we had fun, and i did destress, EVEN THOUGH I WAS FREAKING SLEEPY THAT NIGHT. lol, had to clean up the room even after they left =X

next, i must comment bout sch! it feels like im still in the holiday mood, surprisingly, somehow. lol, its gonna be really bad cos there wont be any break till national day eh. im soooo dead. gonna tahan the next few weeks with all the tests coming up again. busy busy, kill me pls.

besides just school work and my studies. sch, of cos, can be fun otherwise. with my girls, that's of cos. today there was a series of funny things happening. LIKE EXAMPLE SOME WEIRD PPL TIHNKING IM LOOKING AT THIS WEIRD PERSON. well, i must admit, i WAS. emphasize: PAST TENSE. hahaha, but it was momentarily. i didnt spend more than 2secs on that fella ok. so fed up. its not like this person is some big shot. lol. thank you my 'TWIN' for suanning that irritating person :D

before i leave, there's just one last thing i wanna complain. MY FOREHEAD FREAKING HURTS LA. i like suffered a concussion while on the bus home. cos for some reasons, (i think i was being retarded or something) i banged into the pole. heh, call me eccentric, but yeah, i actually did that. it was so bad that now its swollen. help me, kill me pls. lol.

P.S. I SO DONT WANNA LOOK UGLY IN SCH TMR, like a luo-han fish. =((

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust

Another You.

yaye, finally some good 13hours of sleep. TGIF ytd :D i wouldnt say exams are over. cos our tests never seem to end anyway. everyweek there's just something to study for. especially next week my econs COP. i sure neeeda loads of luck. =(( call me pathetic, i dont care. i stayed at home eveyday to mugg. but at least, im confident for my chem and math paper! let's wait till results to prove me right. :D

just sidetrack a little. i think im happy with myself. i run quite a couple of runs on track during PE ytd in sch. and then after that, i totally walked the whole of cityhall, suntec plus marina for like what, 4 hours? bet i burned off quite a bit of calories. wahaha.

anyway, monday's holiday! i wanna go out and do something crazyyyyyyy. i needa destress.

life's been pretty boring lately... all the same, everyday's repeating continuously without fail the same old routine. however when i finally decide to make some time for myself and sit down to reflect, i realised i didnt know what i was doing all along. no this isnt what i want, definitely not the kinda lifestyle i go for. guess i was doing all these just hoping to numb some pain im feeling inside. did it work? i dont know. when i dont think of you, i feel so empty. maybe that is why i constantly look for something to fill it up. be it studies or others, i know im drowning myself in endless work to do. to keep myself busy is the best cure for me now. perhaps the problem doesnt lie with this anymore. its another thing. there's bound to be something in my life im pretty sure im missing. what and where is this piece of missing jigsaw puzzle piece of my life then? no doubt it is something important to me because it is the goal of my life. i need to find it, i need to.

So many times I was alone I couldn't sleep
You left me drowning in the tears of memory

Tongue Tied.

had a nightmare last night. perhaps, it was a sweet dream. but i just didnt want it to come true. it would be horrific, but i suppose its almost impossible for it to happen. HA. why did it even come to me in the middle of the night. why did you have to appear in my dreams? when i was all too stressed up and finally got over you, you choose this perfect right timing to pop up, even in my subconscious state. what more can i say? stop telling me you have a place in my mind, cos no, YOU DONT ANYMORE.

okay, i think i was getting worked up. haha. anyway, i feel so drained, so tired today. it wasnt so much of the math paper. it was kinda difficult, but i just hope i werent too careless. my headache has gotten worse. it could be me having pms, then again, must be all the pressure i'm feeling cos there's chem paper tomorrrow! :( i havent decided if i should attend school, but i know all i know what i want to do now is to finish my damn essay, do my freaking practical questions, and go to bed. i sure need some good sleep.

felt so irritated with you today. it just did. maybe you were happy. but maybe you couldnt tell i'm not very. i just wasnt in the mood OK. i think its my fault but i am too arrogant to admit it. let me just live in my own world, and let me be. i just refuse to accept the fact that all along it was just me, me me and me. is it true or not? are you confusing me or am i just confusing myself? ahh, i soo shouldnt get affected by this. may tomorrow be a better day, please be. i need a good day to cheer me up.

I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
But every time I try I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by