Grass vs Tree

1. Some comparisons
- Shallow roots vs deep roots
- Withers during season of drought  vs able to withstand season of drought
- Doesn't provide shade for others vs provide shade for others

2. Tough times, dry times, scorching times will reveal our spiritual condition. Are we mere grass or strong trees? Are we rooted in God's word? Or are we withering?

3. Are you going through a drought? Extreme heat of testing?

Don't be overly preoccupied with the weather/external/ circumstances, seeking answers as to why so hot, why no rain, why so dry, why so tough?

He will surely pour out His rain. This is in His control.

Look within, check your roots, check your condition. Ask The Lord for help, so you can withstand and continue to bear fruit till the next rains. Let your roots go even deeper, searching for ground water.

Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. (Matthew 13:5, 6 NKJV)

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7, 8 NKJV)

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3 NIV)

Blessed Redeemer, Wonderful Saviour.

Fasting on secular songs helps. Each morning I arise with a worship tune in my soul. Lovely. (:

Just ended my short test, a second one this week. well, both weren't fantastic... really needa buck up!

Yesterday i was approached (officially) to re-run for SU's presidency next academic year starting this August. I don't really have a lot of time to decide but i am taking it easy. just exploring different options and speaking to people about the idea. honestly, i cannot see myself doing it because i don't even know what is there that i want to change. yes it may be a strategic position but surely i do not want to end up to be like Saul who thinks that he is wise in his own eyes. Lord... unless You call.

and so after two weeks of delay, i finally decided to meet up with Anders. apparently they are still keen to hear updates from me... i tried to siam, but last night i just told him that i have been appointed to co-lead in another cell in my tribe. hope he understood what that meant. i do not have any more human capacity for much anymore.. well.. for now, i am just looking forward to a new season, a fresh start.

Rebuilding,

God, restore order in my life.

Visited the post teens cell for the first time yesterday. So much to learn and I am excited. Though I dont know much and I need to start from as basic as the names of everyone,  I am willing to try. I am pretty sure I will make mistakes along the way but I am also aware that in this family, there is grace and room for growth. Thank God.

Decided to make a stand to my mom last night by not going home. When I left the house,  I already knew shes not handling her emotions. Well... like the woman who gave her last two mites, Lord this is my all too. Living by faith is really living on the edge.

Mr Chong texted me earlier today to ask if I am going on exchange.  姜还是老的辣。he figured I applied and wished for it on a wrong motivation. Just thankful he thought of me and bothered to confirm Joyce's no. I doubt joyce would tell him any thing about my exchange... In fact, I asked God for another confirmation. It's not that I dont trust my leader, I really just wanted to be thoroughly convinced. And now I am. So no more questions from me. Sad, yes i still am.. I dont wanna deny my feelings. But really learning to cope better. If God's NO is NOT a rejection but a REDIRECTION, then what's next, Dad? ;)

Three tests next week with lots of work to catch up on. But ok... step by step You'll lead me. Jiayou GuoYi! :)

Let it go.

Lots of big steps forward this week for my event.

Secured KPOP band! While thats a crowd drawer, the next stop I gotta work on is crowd control and security.
Secured partnership with ITE as well. Education minister was v pleased to hear the collaboration and has expressed interest to grace the event. Yaye. Much to follow up.
Secured hall as well! Got them interested, move out of zouk and come to my event! I am making history. SU and halls have never crossed path. And here, I am bringing all the different groups of people in NTU to come together.

It hasn't been easy because it has always been beyond what anyone has imagined it to be. God is good. He has sustained me, and will continue to sustain me.

Gotta learn to let go of some unproductive meetings and let the committee take over. God didn't intend for me to burn out.

Bouncing back.

Somehow, interestingly, i am beginning to feel the peace coming from the decision to not go for exchange. well, it took one day of crying (uncontrollably), lots of happy food (kushinbo) and sleep (3h nap). but truly, i feel so much more set free now... thank You Lord. 

when Abraham had to make that decision to sacrifice Isaac, he must have grieved for awhile even before he chose to surrender. we are all humans with feelings and limited knowledge. i cant help but wonder how Sarah must have even reacted! she probably didn't understand too (if she even knew). 

my friends, those whom i shared my decision, were all just as sad. 

i felt especially bad to the two girls who are my 死党 and decided that we would leave NTU to spend our white Christmas and a new year count down together. right now, they must be extremely disappointed. its even more so since they're pre-believers and cannot understand where i am coming from. but well... they have also seen how i walked around like a zombie and didn't want to add salt to the wound so they kept quiet. the thought of having to go for lectures alone next semester or not having them around anymore drives me crazy already... 

everyone their immediate response to me was, 'you are rejecting it to run for presidency?'

i believe its two separate issues:

rejecting exchange programme was because Joyce said no, this is not God's plan for me. i obey, i honour, i understood and i agree though it hurts. while on the other hand, running for presidency is another decision, a calling i wanna seek God for. am i keen for it now? no. but we will see.

all in all, i reflected and realised that i really can have two ways to be responding to this episode...

one is that i can continue to dwell in my sorrow, keep asking why, think that i am very poor thing because 'i want to go exchange but my cgl doesnt allow' hence also inviting myself to doubt her, feel helpless that i am gonna be alone on this, play the blame game even and feel like a fool or loser. you think there weren't moments i wanted to reply, 'nobody can control my life. if i want to go nobody can stop me!'? looking at what i have just written, i honestly think that the enemy is trying very hard to find dark corners to creep into my life and cripple me. no Lord... You're Lord, not me. You're sovereign.

i choose to pray Thy will be done in and through my life. i choose to delight in the Lord. i choose to trust when i can't even trace His hands. i choose to believe this God who never changes, who never walks out of me. He is the One i knew so I will hang on. if it is in His fatherly character to love me, bless me with the best and even discipline me, then this CANNOT be a mistake. this WILL help me to grow. so this is my attitude. i will walk right with God. (or at least, i really want to try)

感觉有点欣慰。。。嘴里和心地，只想呐喊你的好。谢谢 老爸 :')

my chains are gone, I've been set free. my God my Savior has ransomed me. and like a flood His mercy reigns,unending love, amazing grace.

Keep on Wrestling.

i walk around all day with tears in my eyes. since my morning started being told no to go Sweden for exchange, a part of me died. maybe it aint so much of a bad thing... i'll just die to myself, die to the cross. this part of me is one that belongs to God should be surrendered to Him.

went back to cry myself to sleep. but God, i still choose to praise You. i sang worship songs and i am hanging on. telling me to give this up is so difficult... yeah, it showed me how much its my isaac. God, speak to me Yourself and convince me. I wanna hear from You!! is this not what You've intended for me?! if then indeed, i will obey...

in fact, i thought i am already coping very well... i just need to cry it out and be ok. i could have been much worse... like rebel and reject?

because Your love never fails. because i know that You love me. because You make all things work together for my good. because You're sovereign and You only have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. because its plans to give me a hope and a future. i WILL trust... 

To or Not to...?

又走到了分叉路的路口。

有时觉得自己好傻。为什么一直在头痛烦恼。。可是神啊，我并非只想更你走。。

看情况，去是好事，不去也不是坏事。那是去不去呢？

打从心底，我就想飘洋过海去体验人生，去看我二十年来都没看过的。是，我是很想离开家里，去一个人静一静，去一个让我在祷告时没有人会找到我的地方。

我渴望，我希望，我盼望，我等不着。你懂吗？

但天父，这又是你的意愿吗？你在这片土地有我容纳的地方吗？

日日夜夜，泪流满面，就请救你听到我的苦苦哀求： 

你 若 不 亲 自 和 我 同 去 ， 就 不 要 把 我 从 这 里 领 上 去 。 

老爸，你听到了吗？:'(

花都开好了。

so loved.

as i woke up wondering how this year's valentine's day is gonna be, i received a huge bouquet of flowers. so thankful. love them to bits.

i know God has heard my prayers all these while. currently reaching out to two of my juniors from my course. i was elated beyond words when a friend from another church offered to start a prayer point and cell group in our faculty. i still remembered he was one of those i reached out to as a freshman... look at him now, all on fire and ready to rise up. :)

yes i am busy but that doesn't mean that i don't have time for people. i believe i am still capable of discipling the next generation. 

Desiree wanted to 'deconflict' these lives we are 'consolidating'. she wanted to take one of my junior... should i? something doesn't feel right... oh God, help. how should i do this? kingdom mentality

so glad that Liz has been keeping her commitment to meet me once a week. she has been pouring out her life to me. that was when i began hearing voices like...

"who are you to take this life under you? can you be accountable for her? what makes you think she wants to be your disciple? are you forcing her? more importantly... you're also going through so much on your own, you sure you are the best person for advice? 不要害别人。。。"

wow. as i begin writing all these down did i realize all those lies and deception are so real. its like poison in my head, my body, spirit and soul that its slowly eating me up without me noticing. and to counter all that...

Matthew 28 The Great Commission 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go.17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said,“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

i am a child of God and that is my identity. God has commissioned and i will go and do it. do i have to wait until i am perfect before i can have my own 12? no!! i don't force. its a choice they will have to make.

God my desire is to love you and honour you. i will learn and i will try... i may fail but You never do...
Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

找架吵

Two nights in a row already. Mom called to vent her anger on me. Claimed that I dont love her I dont miss her and I dont care about her just because I didnt call her to ask her how she is and hows her day. I admit, somedays I am so tired or busy that it'll slipped my mind. In her words, I am no longer that fillial daughter who will phone her thrice a day. Yeah, I hardly have any topic to share with her now. All awkward conversations because she never supported me in whatever I do anyway, so whats the point? Today decided not to keep quiet over the line so I rebutted. Yes, she scolded more for my 丁嘴 but sometimes I guess its just necessary for her to know. Really dont wanna entertain her emotions anymore.

By the way, she said something v interesting...
你是不是觉得我很烦? 你不要忘记, 你还需要我的钱来养你!

Couldn't help but wonder if its true anymore... times have changed and she has no idea... maybe she needs to see it for herself that she's no longer the boss around.
God is my refuge and my provider.
I know I'll be able to do it if I choose to leave.  Even if I dont make it, I trusted God!

I reject those hurtful words. All lies from the evil one.

Learning to respond in love and prayer.

Nom nom nom

Yaye. Today was spent sleeping. Sleep debt maybe? So much so I skipped meeting.  Haa how rare. And also cooked lunch and dinner to cut expenses. Hostel bills came thats why.  Hahaha. But I am happy. Cooking is therapeutic to me. :) asked my neighbour and joanne to come and eat together too.

Interestingly,  two girls asked me out this friday. Two juniors I have been reaching out to.  One of whom came for christmas service already. She's open and I am surprised she would ask me out for lunch after she turned me down twice earlier. The other girl is also one I am trying to disciple. Shall make a commitment to pray for these two...

I want my g12!! Hahaha.

Da ge, da jie and er jie all down with dengue.. aiyo. I also don't know what to say.. don't usually show love and concern at home so just awkward. but praying for them la. Even though that day my mom scolded me for leaving her in the lurch,  I know I made the right choice to say no to her. I no longer wanna please her and leave up to her expectations. Its an endless chase. So is my dad... how he pins his hope on me... oh Lord.

P.s. managed to hang out with paul, jeddy, reena and pris they all on Sunday. They called me the special guest because I dont even see them at service previously. Only during cell. I realise its a personal effort I need to make to be in a community. Told them I will join them more frequent now on. (:

I Insist.

Its really late and I need to be up early for lab experiments which i haven't prepared.

but let me take some time to just write...

i thought i was ok. what's new right? my usual immediate response is always the facade. so i know things would start to surface as i finally settle into my room and now staring into this screen.

right now, i don't think i am freaking out... but more like there were so many so many images in my mind.. of what was being done to me then and how i felt so helpless and alone. who was there when i needed someone? no one, but the Lord. tonight i sleep in peace. though i may be alone but i know that the spirit of the sovereign Lord is with me.

Lord, i choose, i choose to nail every of the memory, every cry, every pain, every hurt that come haunting at the cross. i cannot let it grab onto me and swallow me up, NO.

i hate sin. I HATE IT.

Glorious Ruins.

As the music of this song began playing, i knew this was it. It is FOR me. Yes, God was gonna speak to me. I just stood there and let the lyrics minister to me as tears just began trickling down my cheeks. 

God, how I missed You so. :')

As I went forward to be ministered, it was confirmed. The Lord wants to take all the ruins of my life and make it come to life. He WILL breathe life into my life.

GuoYi, YOU will rise up from these ashes.

Yes God, yes I will run to Your arms, away from my own little world of rationalization. Let me never be wise in my own eyes. I repent Lord, of any disbelief or doubt of Your capabilities to move in my life... I cannot, but You can. I repent, for crushing of all the dreams You've given me.

No more, no more of helplessness. 

Fast and Pray.

Almost broke down yesterday. Glad I ran away and called Wendy up. We met and caught out over a casual dinner. After which I went to chill on my own till midnight. As I laid at the lawn enjoying the wind and watching the starry night, my soul quieten down. Yeah, thank God for each breath I can hear myself taking. Yet so much work was going through my head. Yet I felt so all alone and lonely. Irony.

Been taking regular time-out like that lately. It was something I never really did before. Is it a good thing? Yes... But it has only been happening because I haven't been coping very well. Perhaps I am getting used to not going to NTU cell. I do miss hanging out with the people. But more than anything else, seeing the politics happening around me each day is killing me inside. Disappointment? Plenty of it. 

Just recently, I've taste of how 人心险恶。My supervisors watched me stood there getting scolded. When I was praised, they couldn't wait to steal all the credits away. Eew, disgusting. Each time there is a management meeting, its always about arrows flying every where. I probably won't be able to take the pressure if I didn't constantly remind myself that I am not alone battling because God is with me.

Questions about why I am doing what I am doing right now kept coming back... the answers remain unchanged: I will do this and I am committed to seeing it to the end because of one simple reason: 

God has called and I will obey. 

so Lord, give me the strength, the grace and the wisdom to pull through... :')

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

OK I am gonna pretend that idk Joyce is reading this page and carry on writing as if I've been writing to God... hahaha

"You're in depression." 

I froze when those very words were said into my ears. 

WOW, you mean I am so unaware of myself, my every behaviour, that I didn't even notice that I slipped back into that illness? how sad... 还真可笑... 

yet it got me thinking a lot, a lot... yeah, she was right. i knew i have always desired so much so much to be away from this place where there's just so much so much hurt. pain and more pain each time... all i dream of day and night, every word from my lips, were to get out of this country and be on my own where nobody will know me. i really wanna start all over again and get it right. i know its so silly to be thinking that it'll solve the problem... it wont. BUT that's the easiest way out. 

也许是太习惯自己一个人，话也不多说了。什么都藏在心底，好辛苦，好难过。说出来，又有谁会理解？多说多错，还是别说吧。

讲真的，i am actually very scared to meet Joyce on Friday. its the same feeling i got when i went for the ladies retreat earlier last month. maybe it wasnt me really who was struggling. its all the demons and spirits in me that know that there's no place for them to stay anymore. 

a part of me fear the pain because its like tearing apart the wound that i thought was already healing well. no GY... the wounds have never really healed. they were merely bandaged up and hardening away. in fact, its gonna decompose and eat up the rest of my flesh away! its time... face it. for the Lord is here with you. :')

最近发现自己好像兜兜转转又回到了原点。主啊，这到底是怎么一回事？

For My Own Good.

I promised Joyce that I would start to journal down my thoughts and feelings. This came more than a week late so I am sorry... Yes this online blog has been with me for... since I was a teen. I just need to update it, more regularly. 

So Joyce, if i have decided to give you this link directly to let you 'read my life', please do not circulate it OK? By far I do not know many who know about this diary's existence... Those who do know, I do not know if they're still reading and if they still remember. This place contains memories from many years ago and all my darkest secrets are kept away in the archives. Welcome to my life. (:

My absence here for the past few months probably showed a lot. Busyness has gone yet another whole new level for me. In my exact words to a friend, I define busyness. hahaha. Let me just summarise a little:

December

as soon as exams were over, I flew to Japan for ASEAN conference. enjoyed? no. it was all networking. tiring, yes. but well, if you give me a choice to head back to Japan, i wouldnt mind exploring the place on my own again. still, thank You God for the opportunity to still go to the land of the rising sun, despite rejecting the exchange programme... :')

i came back and went for a couple of retreats... falling sick in between and then Christmas before I was ushered into 2014.

January

with a blink of an eye, headed into a new year. and i am gonna turn 22 very soon. wow, no wonder they say after you hit the digit 2, you will zoom rocket fast. it feels like i've just started but i am feeling it already. left for Bandung, Indonesia for a week long holiday. yeah, spent lots of money and depleted my savings. I felt bad but at least it was well deserved. ate a lot and put on weight. hung out (for once) with some 'secular' friends. enjoyed nature. thankful, once again for the experience and time off. 

also had breakthrough. came to terms that its almost time for me to shift out of home. the next time my mom leash out on me, that is it. it wasnt an overnight decision, and certainly took me loads of courage. to me, that is truly being radical, and truly trusting God to be God, to be Jehovah Jireh. so I am prepared. do i still have fear, of cos! but my God will be greater than me and I put my faith in Him. wow, yet another journey, another milestone.

very quickly, semester 2 resumed. its week 4 already and i am barely breathing. yes, worse than last sem. but i only have this sem to go before i step down... (that's if i dont step up) and did i mention about my results? the worst of it all... BUT still enough to apply for exchange programme (again). hehehe. 

today is the first day of February already! its Chinese New Year! quiet affair for my family... nothing new. yesterday morning witnessed my parents quarrelled already... pained my heart and i had to shout at them to stop. earlier today, i did the same to my sis. i figured i need to stop keeping mum. sometimes i need to speak up and fight for somethings. but my mom was quiet and watching us... i cannot understand. somehow, i just felt that seeing my family's salvations seem so so far away... BUT NO! i must take this thought and set it captive to Christ Jesus!! no i cannot give in to the evil one.. to plant the thought that my family will not live to praise the name of my God. Lord, I will not relent... 

still struggling with loneliness... and stress from all the work in school.. Father, let me not doubt Your calling for me in NTU this season... i will go.. and give my all.. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days and nights all alone. He went through all the temptations before He truly knows Your will. Help me O God, have You heard my cry?