OK I am gonna pretend that idk Joyce is reading this page and carry on writing as if I've been writing to God... hahaha
"You're in depression."
I froze when those very words were said into my ears.
WOW, you mean I am so unaware of myself, my every behaviour, that I didn't even notice that I slipped back into that illness? how sad... 还真可笑...
yet it got me thinking a lot, a lot... yeah, she was right. i knew i have always desired so much so much to be away from this place where there's just so much so much hurt. pain and more pain each time... all i dream of day and night, every word from my lips, were to get out of this country and be on my own where nobody will know me. i really wanna start all over again and get it right. i know its so silly to be thinking that it'll solve the problem... it wont. BUT that's the easiest way out.
也许是太习惯自己一个人，话也不多说了。什么都藏在心底，好辛苦，好难过。说出来，又有谁会理解？多说多错，还是别说吧。
讲真的，i am actually very scared to meet Joyce on Friday. its the same feeling i got when i went for the ladies retreat earlier last month. maybe it wasnt me really who was struggling. its all the demons and spirits in me that know that there's no place for them to stay anymore.
a part of me fear the pain because its like tearing apart the wound that i thought was already healing well. no GY... the wounds have never really healed. they were merely bandaged up and hardening away. in fact, its gonna decompose and eat up the rest of my flesh away! its time... face it. for the Lord is here with you. :')
最近发现自己好像兜兜转转又回到了原点。主啊，这到底是怎么一回事？
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