How?

Its amazing how I feel bored suddenly.  Its not because I dont have anything to do. Its because I refused to do them, and I am just resting.

I think bout the cell group that I am going to lead on sunday, the word I need to share. God, what do I share? Its not that theres nothing up there in my head now, its just what is best?
Praying for Liz and laying hold of her life. Honestly I am concern she will back out on me. But what can I do?

So many questions...

Havent been very happy in school. NTU Fest is less than 3 months away. So many loose ends to tie and everything is gonna go into a rush. I am trying not to think about it. Each time it bothers me, I sing Lord I surrender...
The school management hasnt been the best people to work with. Many times I know I call the shots and I dont need to be under their mercy. But I tolerate. And I began to see what God is teaching me in this journey. It really built my patience. I just knew God is preparing me for something greater in the near future. So these are little trials that I must withstand. Its really about making big decisions and shaping policies and a higher level. I still cant tell what I will really become...
public sector as a civil servant or private sector involved in politics? Its so near yet so far. There is fear I admit. The comfort I have is that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and plans not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Wherever I go, Lord, go with me and let me serve You and touch Your heart.

Like a flood, His mercy reigns.

So much been on my mind lately.  I wanted so much to just journal bout my thoughts and emotions but everything always happen so quickly.

144 re encounter has been truly amazing. Really just met God at every session. There was much healing in the weeping to know that I am chosen by the Lord, set apart to do His work and I will be fruitful just because He says so. No strife, no performance trap. So blessed.

Came back and ran a fever straight for three days. Felt so terrible just being bed ridden. After one week I am still coughing.  This is quite bad. But ya, blessing in disguise that I took some time to catch up on rest and just sleep in. Thankful I didnt give in to those thoughts of being helpless.

As I finally shifted home from hall, mom acted up again. Beat me with a  hanger which shocked me. I guess of all the days I always anticipated me leaving the house when she's manifesting in anger, that night still came so sudden and unexpectedly.  Of cos there was much pain in the heart, to truly muster that courage and walk away. To me, its definitely a breakthrough. Its a radical change in the belief system believing that I am a child of the one true God and no fingers shall be laid on me. It is knowing that I did it out of love for my mom with prayers in my heart that she will begin to see the consequences of sins. Do I still fear? Yes. But each day I live in His grace. When I go, I trust that the Lord will provide for me. I trust that the Lord will keep me and deliver me. I know my God and I know His character. He is my only refuge that I know I can run to.

Work has also started for me. I am excited for a change in environment. Thankful that the flexibility allows me to do what I need to complete in NTU. God is so good.  So loved by the community especially by my cellgroup. :')

Those tears, they wont stop

还记得, 几岁大时, 她把我寄放在表哥家睡。一整夜我躺在床上, 以为被抛弃了。眼泪不停留着, 只喊着 "妈妈, 妈妈"。

这么多年以候, 在这个晚上, 我忽然回想起那时的感受。不一样的是, 今晚睡在朋友家。 虽然还是在哭泣着, 但心里叫着的是, "阿爸天父!"

我并不是被遗弃的那个小女孩。我是有人要的。耶稣要。

今日候, 我不晓得路要怎么走。。 祖啊, 应到我吧。你是我的避难所。

Building a Fortress for the Holy Spirit

its exams period. been a tough time man. it is one of the heaviest semester with extra work load from CCA. God's grace and mercy upon me...

so as i took time out to meet Joyce, Yuling and Rachel last night, i too, didnt know what to expect. for Joyce to decide to put Rachel under me because she and Jolene are coming NTU, is it helping me to start a work here since i have been barren? idk... irregardless, i am thankful for the opportunity to walk with a junior through a new season of uni life. the other side of me fears. she's not a new christian and i have no clue how to mentor someone who came from a christian background! she's going to fcbs... what if she got a lot of intellectual theology questions for me? hahah i know how silly that sounds.. invalid questions even. but ya, i came to God just telling Him, i am Your vessel. if you make my paths crossed with theirs, let You speak to them through me. 

Joyce shared an interesting yet powerful analogy with Rachel over dinner. it was pretty much the same she shared with me when i met her earlier this year. it was about how our mind (thoughts/emotions), our speech and our actions affirm our beliefs. when something happens, we can have many different ways of responding to the situation. do we trust God or do we succumb to the human side of us? sometimes its easier said until the tests come. today start with dealing with the small things so that in time to come, we have greater faith to face the bigger problems. daily i want to be sharp to recognize myself (and of cos others) what are some of the indications of wrong beliefs. it may stem from simple words like "hai, so sian" and my favourite - "huh, again ah", and behavior in certain patterns like loss of interest and possibly sarcasm. i cant tell people's thoughts but i can tell from how they live out their lives. and this, will be how out i remove the bricks, one at a time, from building a dwelling place for the enemies to replacing this bricks in building a fortress for the HS to reside in. 

on a side note, Joyce has been really amazing. i am like, how does she do it? she's got a family with two kids and a helper... MORE than 12 disciples (obviously).. she's probably counselling many other couples and broken ladies out there (many of whom are probably stray-away sheep she's trying to catch) and still so garang on reaching out and expanding God's kingdom. she also still has her parents, her work life (not forgetting the exam she has to take) as an auditor... she runs cellgroups and attends her own plus must deal with all the reorg in church. hmmm, how she does it ah? really leh. *thumbs up*

(ok just in case Joyce you are reading this, i am not trying to 'por' you hor. its really something on my mind)

so anyway, i figured that its really God's grace in her life. how her earlier years fighting battles have gave her much wisdom and strength to multi-task all these now. its inspiring, and it makes me dream to be like her. she may be the 'most successful' woman to most people will label, but well, she's a good mother (to both her earthly and spiritual children) and that's the best thing i learnt from her. its my desire to be a loving and faithful mother too. :)

Rain Down.

its been a week of just crying and crying... from being torn, broken to just repentance and interceding until now finally finding restedness.

its liberating.

i looked back and i grew again in the Lord. yeah i did. how i struggled and just wrestled and eventually surrendered. He has just been speaking to me daily in the entire week. i know He is real. He never left me nor forsaken me.

there were moments i doubted. what 'fruits that will last'? you kidding me? but no Lord, if its in Your Word then yes i hold on to it and it'll come to pass. its OK i bless others. they take my people. i just be faithful to what God has called me and trust in the Lord's timing.

i couldnt help but be reminded of the prayer i made the last 30 days.

break my heart for what breaks Yours

and as i just let it go and broke down at worship last night on the last day of sanctification week, i heard all the selfish prayers of all the sinners. the church is merely a safe hiding place for sinful people. ouch. how much that must have hurt God.

and that's a new lesson i learnt this season. it was beyond the crying for the lost souls alr. it was crying for the division in the church. crying for His bride. crying just how broken we all are and in desperate need for a Saviour in our daily lives.

oh yes Lord. never let Your servant be wise in her own eyes and be self-righteous. i want to seek first Your kingdom and YOUR righteousness.

cheers to the Lord. from strength to strength, glory to glory. #bittersweet :')

In Between.

Today is after Good Friday but before Easter Sunday.

Recently, i worked very hard in sharing the gospel, spreading the Good News and inviting the lost to church to encounter God. I prayed daily for them to be saved, to have eternal life with God in heaven.

I know that this is a battle that will bring warfare.

More than that, as i prayed for my heart to be broken, God truly showed me the sins of this world. It was probably just the tip of the iceberg, NOTHING compared to Jesus at the cross...

I look at my friends... I no longer see them as people walking around. I begin seeing them as souls who are condemned and destined to be separated from His everlasting love. How can that be God! Then it made me cry for them more. I recognize that I may not be like Paul, a preacher or missionary who goes to the ends of the world. But all I want to do is play my part and fulfill the great commission. If its one life, the angels are also rejoicing!

Not about the numbers... Its about the lives.

NTU

Genesis 28:15 NIV

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

I dont know what is this fire, this dream that God has placed in my heart for this lovely place. Its.. sucha love-hate relationship. It has brought me so much pain yet so much growth and joy. It has been a crazy and bumpy ride ever since I said "yes Lord, here i am, send me."

I never did quite settle down since 2012. Maybe by then i was really a grown up infant in Christ, deemed ready to spread my wings and fly. After a good two years am I beginning to see some light being shed. This journey has taught me to pack my bag well and always be on the go. When God calls, my job is to obey. After a while, I just didn't bother to get comfortable because I know anytime I may just be 'activated'. (Haha, glimpse of a missionary.) From shifting of cell group, network and going to and fro from this place, yes only God never changed through it all. Tiring I dare not deny but His grace kept me through. So much tears all the while. But I do not belong to the world. My home is in the Heaven and when He comes back, I want to be able to put down everything and just go.

Ups or downs, God has never left me nor forsake me. It was humbling at times and very trying period on other times to be put through tests and trials. But as I rise above all the circumstances, I felt that I shine brighter as a diamond that withstood all the refining after being under the pressure to be formed.

All in all, thankful. :)

Glory of God.

On and off, I catch people commenting that my face seeks radiant. I am thankful and would always point back to God saying its His glory reflected upon me. Wow, what a privilege.

With all the little tests and quizzes ceasing, just when I thought I can finally have a break, final exams are coming right up. This is really an endless cycle, chasing after all the earthly things and if I am not careful,  I can so easily burn out.

As I returned home this weekend, I realised that this is no longer home. The sad truth is coming to pass. My mom always asked if I treated this place like a hotel. Then my answer was no. Now, I may not deny it. I spoke to her for less than 10 sentences weekly. Maybe its a form of defense mechanism. I dont wanna get hurt by her so I build up a wall. Yes, because nothing good and soothing to the soul comes out of her mouth.

But Lord, help me. Let me never harden my heart.

Happy Birthday, My Gorgeous Girl.

As I looked into the mirror that morning after I woke up, I just heard the Spirit whispering ever so gently,

"happy birthday, beautiful."

i smiled. i encountered God. to me, that was the most precious moment, one that is priceless. i turned 22. and i finally caught a glimpse of what God meant when He said He made me fearfully and wonderfully. He knows my name even when I was in the womb. He watches over me. i am so so... loved, so cherished and treasured. indeed... He is my closest Friend, and the Lover of my soul. i dont need many texts from the many people i know... i just need Him :')

i had a lovely birthday. showered with gifts which i appreciate because they meet my real needs, like a watch and a bag... thankful. i had several surprises as well... it was a nice time catching up with people though i was overwhelmed by work in the week so much so that i hardly slept. 

one of the most memorable one was when the NTU cell group came to surprise me. i was up at the rooftop praying late that night and so focused in reading my bible that when the group of them came up, i did not give a second look to notice their faces in the dark. so when finally they stood surrounding me did i realise i was ambushed! hahaha. honestly, for a moment, i thought that in my third year, after all the people who came and left or disappeared, NTU cell will no longer have anyone who knows my birthday or bothered to celebrate. really, i wasn't expecting anything. but i am so blessed to have all the freshies who remembered and bought me ice cream to cheer me up. they prayed for me even. it blessed my heart to know that the next generation is anointing me. thank You Lord, for sending these people to remind me of the work i have set out doing when i first entered this land. it is a great calling to leave a godly legacy for the younger ones. but i will repent if i dare ever belittle Your will in my life.

yes Lord, i'll keep pounding for You.

none but Jesus,

As each day creeps nearer to my birthday, there's a strong mix of emotions. 

A part of me is excited to embrace a new year and thankful unto God for His faithfulness in my life. 

Yet the other side of me is deeply saddened by how broken my family is. I cant help it. Each time I look at them, my heart pains. Yes that's the truth, I am so rejected by them. While I have countless friends celebrating me, my family doesn't care about it. Do they even remember? I wonder. What I truly desire is the company of my family, as simple as a meal together. Even a text might make a difference. 

Earlier last week, people started asking me what I would like for my 22nd. I thought for a while, and told everyone who asked that I wanted a trip to the zoo. Perhaps little did they know that I really want to spend a day with my family at the zoo. Its not that I didn't try. I asked my mom about it. And I got ignored. I decided to be sad for 5 minutes and moved on. If it was me previously, I would probably end up crying from being so hurt. Yes, I missed the family time. I missed how when I was a few years old, we would go to the zoo for outing. And this dream, it seems so far away. :'(

Its OK. I have plenty of friends who want to take me to the zoo and I shall be counting my blessings. As for my family... Lord, I will hang on my prayers. They will be saved. Yes they will. Its a declaration in the spiritual realm that my household belongs to Jesus Christ. 

I notice that every year I will be exceptionally emotional on my birthday. This year, I need to be particularly careful. I will not allow the enemy to steal away the joy my God has set for me. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Relentlessness.

Yesterday's cell group reminded me that I need to get back on my knees to pray. Specially,  for revival. I haven't been a christian for very long but there were many moments i persevered in prayer and I saw God move. I will never forget those times when I hide in my prayer closet and just cry for revival. I cried for many friends and in that past 5 years, maybe 10 people are saved?

Somehow, perhaps like the dry spell singapore was facing, my prayer life was drying up. I need to pray more. I need to cry more. Its not enough. My closer friends in my clique, they still don't know Jesus. They need to know Him NOW. Cos if not now then when? I can only cross paths with them for this season of their lives.. if I never shared the gospel with them and Jesus comes again tomorrow, I know I will regret and I will be held accountable. I need to stop being distracted by all the other things. people can sin against me... but I must forgive and walk right with You. There's no unity, yes Lord I will cry and seek Your mercy on behalf of the church. But all these can be put aside.. God, You must come and meet me when I pray.

Oh Lord, like the rain that comes suddenly and poured forth the entire island, rain down a fire in my heart. Let me be consumed by Your presence. Let the Holy Spirit help me intercede for the lives of my loved ones. Let my prayer be a sweet aroma, an incense that You'll be pleased to answer.
Oh Lord, I wont relent until You relent. I will not let You go until I see THE revival You've intended for singapore. Yes Lord, please use Your servant me to further Your kingdom. You said we will be Your people and You'll be our God. So God, You MUST come!!

All praise to You.

And You open the door for me.
And You open my eyes to see.
You're everything I need.

yaye, an extremely rare day i get to rest in and do my work! for a moment just now, after my test, i was gonna go wonder around and get a movie or shop. the weather was too warm and hence i decided to come back to get started on the never-ending work. changed my mind this morning also that i will not go prayer tower too.

spoke to D last night. well, the conversation at several moments did get heated. i explained my unhappiness all these while and he did apologize. it went on for awhile and i kept asking him the same question: what is your heart for NTU? i know that as long as i don't hear the truthful answer from him, i cannot commit myself to be discipled by him. for the past three years, i have always saw him as a fatherly and big brother figure. he is so so dear to me. which was why i was also hurt badly in this ministry. eventually he managed to share with me the big picture about how he is not interested in building his own tribe but having that real kingdom mentality. i did openly mention my doubts of the presence of others who joined us in claiming this piece of land. i am still hanging on because i told God i will keep pounding. but really, this is my last shot.

i am sorry about this skepticism. Lord I repent. let not me judge whose heart is right and whose is not. let me just be a faithful and obedient servant that when You call, I will go. let my walk be righteous even when others may not. 

最近好像对一个人有好感。对我而言，并不是好事。还是少见面的好。

兜兜转转。

不晓得为何绕了一大圈，又好像回到最初的圆点。

好像都还不到一个月，我离开了南大的小组，去到了别处。但是很快的今早的一个电话，又改变了一切。

昨晚D打了三通电话给我可是我却没接。我不是故意叛逆。。。我是祷告了，觉得已经十二点了，所以才去睡觉。他问我是不是在气他，我想了想，回答：“以前是有点气，现在不再气了。” 我没打算听他解释，因为已过去了，我也累了。事实真的有这么重要吗？醒来后，看到他的短讯：对不起。

组长叫我打电话给她说有急事。说着说着，都讲上半个小时。她叙述了昨晚和D的对话。

感觉上，我好像知道了我不想知道的事情。我说不上为什么，就是不想知道某某人喜欢我。或许是大家曾经戏弄过我们。我也曾经考虑过他。看他那么傻傻的，不知在哪个时候我们的关系就这样渐渐的疏远。还记得前些日子我很遗憾，不明白为什么会失去这份友情。现在我们才只是工作伙伴。很巧的，昨晚朋友为我们一起庆祝生日，因为我们的生日相差一个星期多。奇怪的是，每个人都说我们特别的尴尬。拍照时，两人的脸都红了。别问我，我真的什么都不知道。。。

好啦，换别的来说。很意外的，我的心情没有受很大的影响。无奈吗，会有一点点。可能是我讨厌不停的改变。是很累喔。。但我要牢牢记住，什么都能变，就只省神不变。神的爱永不变，祂的性格依然不改。来南大效劳是神对我的指示，我应该抱着一个期待的态度。是，我拨不急待回来带更多更多的人信祖！

老爸，我会乖乖的听从。人我信不过，让我只信你。

A new season.

Wow, recess week came and flew by with a blink of an eye.

I was busy at work, frequently getting activated at the very last minute. Had lots of fun with my colleagues though i woke up at almost 6 am daily. and then my day usually ends very late at around 1 am leaving me just a couple of hours to sleep. people think i am crazy but i am OK. i am motivated! :) its not so much of the money, more of the people and the job.

on Wednesday's leaders' meeting, God spoke to me. i teared because i told God i don't wanna stop pounding. i don't wanna stop at three strikes. the victory is mine and i want to claim it. i am NOT giving up on NTU, not yet. though its discouraging, i must obey God. the fruits of labour will come. my reward is in heaven. honestly, i don't know how the ministry will turn out to be but i know my path is different. i need to acknowledge that this route i take, few can understand because not all are called. so Lord, i take comfort that You have chosen.

i have been genuinely happy. and i am glad of this improvement. need to maintain. looking forward to more time alone! :)

Grass vs Tree

1. Some comparisons
- Shallow roots vs deep roots
- Withers during season of drought  vs able to withstand season of drought
- Doesn't provide shade for others vs provide shade for others

2. Tough times, dry times, scorching times will reveal our spiritual condition. Are we mere grass or strong trees? Are we rooted in God's word? Or are we withering?

3. Are you going through a drought? Extreme heat of testing?

Don't be overly preoccupied with the weather/external/ circumstances, seeking answers as to why so hot, why no rain, why so dry, why so tough?

He will surely pour out His rain. This is in His control.

Look within, check your roots, check your condition. Ask The Lord for help, so you can withstand and continue to bear fruit till the next rains. Let your roots go even deeper, searching for ground water.

Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. (Matthew 13:5, 6 NKJV)

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7, 8 NKJV)

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3 NIV)

Blessed Redeemer, Wonderful Saviour.

Fasting on secular songs helps. Each morning I arise with a worship tune in my soul. Lovely. (:

Just ended my short test, a second one this week. well, both weren't fantastic... really needa buck up!

Yesterday i was approached (officially) to re-run for SU's presidency next academic year starting this August. I don't really have a lot of time to decide but i am taking it easy. just exploring different options and speaking to people about the idea. honestly, i cannot see myself doing it because i don't even know what is there that i want to change. yes it may be a strategic position but surely i do not want to end up to be like Saul who thinks that he is wise in his own eyes. Lord... unless You call.

and so after two weeks of delay, i finally decided to meet up with Anders. apparently they are still keen to hear updates from me... i tried to siam, but last night i just told him that i have been appointed to co-lead in another cell in my tribe. hope he understood what that meant. i do not have any more human capacity for much anymore.. well.. for now, i am just looking forward to a new season, a fresh start.

Rebuilding,

God, restore order in my life.

Visited the post teens cell for the first time yesterday. So much to learn and I am excited. Though I dont know much and I need to start from as basic as the names of everyone,  I am willing to try. I am pretty sure I will make mistakes along the way but I am also aware that in this family, there is grace and room for growth. Thank God.

Decided to make a stand to my mom last night by not going home. When I left the house,  I already knew shes not handling her emotions. Well... like the woman who gave her last two mites, Lord this is my all too. Living by faith is really living on the edge.

Mr Chong texted me earlier today to ask if I am going on exchange.  姜还是老的辣。he figured I applied and wished for it on a wrong motivation. Just thankful he thought of me and bothered to confirm Joyce's no. I doubt joyce would tell him any thing about my exchange... In fact, I asked God for another confirmation. It's not that I dont trust my leader, I really just wanted to be thoroughly convinced. And now I am. So no more questions from me. Sad, yes i still am.. I dont wanna deny my feelings. But really learning to cope better. If God's NO is NOT a rejection but a REDIRECTION, then what's next, Dad? ;)

Three tests next week with lots of work to catch up on. But ok... step by step You'll lead me. Jiayou GuoYi! :)

Let it go.

Lots of big steps forward this week for my event.

Secured KPOP band! While thats a crowd drawer, the next stop I gotta work on is crowd control and security.
Secured partnership with ITE as well. Education minister was v pleased to hear the collaboration and has expressed interest to grace the event. Yaye. Much to follow up.
Secured hall as well! Got them interested, move out of zouk and come to my event! I am making history. SU and halls have never crossed path. And here, I am bringing all the different groups of people in NTU to come together.

It hasn't been easy because it has always been beyond what anyone has imagined it to be. God is good. He has sustained me, and will continue to sustain me.

Gotta learn to let go of some unproductive meetings and let the committee take over. God didn't intend for me to burn out.

Bouncing back.

Somehow, interestingly, i am beginning to feel the peace coming from the decision to not go for exchange. well, it took one day of crying (uncontrollably), lots of happy food (kushinbo) and sleep (3h nap). but truly, i feel so much more set free now... thank You Lord. 

when Abraham had to make that decision to sacrifice Isaac, he must have grieved for awhile even before he chose to surrender. we are all humans with feelings and limited knowledge. i cant help but wonder how Sarah must have even reacted! she probably didn't understand too (if she even knew). 

my friends, those whom i shared my decision, were all just as sad. 

i felt especially bad to the two girls who are my 死党 and decided that we would leave NTU to spend our white Christmas and a new year count down together. right now, they must be extremely disappointed. its even more so since they're pre-believers and cannot understand where i am coming from. but well... they have also seen how i walked around like a zombie and didn't want to add salt to the wound so they kept quiet. the thought of having to go for lectures alone next semester or not having them around anymore drives me crazy already... 

everyone their immediate response to me was, 'you are rejecting it to run for presidency?'

i believe its two separate issues:

rejecting exchange programme was because Joyce said no, this is not God's plan for me. i obey, i honour, i understood and i agree though it hurts. while on the other hand, running for presidency is another decision, a calling i wanna seek God for. am i keen for it now? no. but we will see.

all in all, i reflected and realised that i really can have two ways to be responding to this episode...

one is that i can continue to dwell in my sorrow, keep asking why, think that i am very poor thing because 'i want to go exchange but my cgl doesnt allow' hence also inviting myself to doubt her, feel helpless that i am gonna be alone on this, play the blame game even and feel like a fool or loser. you think there weren't moments i wanted to reply, 'nobody can control my life. if i want to go nobody can stop me!'? looking at what i have just written, i honestly think that the enemy is trying very hard to find dark corners to creep into my life and cripple me. no Lord... You're Lord, not me. You're sovereign.

i choose to pray Thy will be done in and through my life. i choose to delight in the Lord. i choose to trust when i can't even trace His hands. i choose to believe this God who never changes, who never walks out of me. He is the One i knew so I will hang on. if it is in His fatherly character to love me, bless me with the best and even discipline me, then this CANNOT be a mistake. this WILL help me to grow. so this is my attitude. i will walk right with God. (or at least, i really want to try)

感觉有点欣慰。。。嘴里和心地，只想呐喊你的好。谢谢 老爸 :')

my chains are gone, I've been set free. my God my Savior has ransomed me. and like a flood His mercy reigns,unending love, amazing grace.

Keep on Wrestling.

i walk around all day with tears in my eyes. since my morning started being told no to go Sweden for exchange, a part of me died. maybe it aint so much of a bad thing... i'll just die to myself, die to the cross. this part of me is one that belongs to God should be surrendered to Him.

went back to cry myself to sleep. but God, i still choose to praise You. i sang worship songs and i am hanging on. telling me to give this up is so difficult... yeah, it showed me how much its my isaac. God, speak to me Yourself and convince me. I wanna hear from You!! is this not what You've intended for me?! if then indeed, i will obey...

in fact, i thought i am already coping very well... i just need to cry it out and be ok. i could have been much worse... like rebel and reject?

because Your love never fails. because i know that You love me. because You make all things work together for my good. because You're sovereign and You only have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. because its plans to give me a hope and a future. i WILL trust...