it has been a while.

roller coaster ride in the short past three months. from the day my dad was admitted to hospital, to him passing away and then finally NTU Fest before i actually became SU's President... it has been a bumpy ride. of cos not forgeting that along the way there were many short stories in between.

yes no doubt i still miss my dad, but i am also coping better with his passing. he chose Singapore's national day to leave me. and exactly one week from NTU Fest 2014. i know he fought extremely hard. he slipped into a coma two days before he left for Heaven. and that was also when i made the decision that he will not receive any aid. there was just too much pain for him to bear. and yes, he came to know the Lord after g12 conference when i held onto God for his salvation. so i was willing to let him go home to the Lord. it all happened so quickly within a span of one month. there are still times i wish he could talk to me and ask me if he is still seeing me the next morning before he was going to sleep. i wouldnt forget the scene before he breathed his last. he teared. but pa, till we meet again, wait for me. i know you're safe in the arms of my heavenly father. :')

NTU Fest was a success. (or at least that's what THEY claim) it just came and went by so quickly that i was just being functional. i gained much attention on news because of this. thank You Lord for your grace and mercy. Your hand was upon it i know. the weather couldnt get any better and there were no major hiccups. You're so good, so so good.

honestly i was tired. and i very much wanted a break. to just remain low profile. but i also know that there were many open doors for me. and so i rose up to the calling of being president. another tough journey ahead. but Lord, wont you tutor me?

I am so imperfect.

I am angry too. And I dont know how to handle these emotions when I go home. I don't want to grow bitter and eventually harden my heart.

Its difficult when I look at the brokenness in the family. In the past two weeks, the hurts seem to have magnified. And I am sure it wasn't just in me, but in my mom, bro and sis too.

I find myself entangled in God's grace, having to forgive them so many times in a day... for the things they did and did not do.

Maybe a part of me isn't happy with the affair that mom is having. I still hear her talk to him over the phone. And I couldn't help but imagine that she wanted dad to pass on soon so that she is finally free to indulge in her desire.
Yet I cry as I write this... I feel so sorry for my mom. She is only a woman in need of love and attention and in someone else she found herself being able to let her guards down. It was that security that my dad has failed to give her over those years. How can I blame and hate her for merely wanting to fill that emptiness up? She is confused too...

There was disappointment, I have to admit, in my siblings. I already tried to not expect. But when I ran out of options and suggested shifting dad home, my brother denied him coming back. How do I have the heart to tell dad that 他有家回不得! I already let it slide when they don't want to help, but how can they deprive father of a chance to return home...
And when I took a step back to see why they were behaving like that, I see broken and hurting people walking around the house. All of them refused forgiveness. They had so many chances but they allowed their past to haunt them in darkness. They didnt want awkwardness with my dad. They are trying to avoid seeing him and watching how the cancer is going to torture him. They cant bear to come home each day looking at a dying man losing weight, hair and body functions. When he is in pain, I know it pains them too. And they are also running away from facing all these situations and emotions.

I looked at my dad. He was rarely in a daze, staring blankly into thin air. What was he thinking? Was it flashbacks of how he first met mom at that hawker center over a plate of duck rice? Or maybe it was their wedding... perhaps it was when he first held my bro in his arms. Could it be he was thinking bout what, where and how everyone is now?

God, the family that You instituted, why did it have to become like that? We are all just imperfect people. Have mercy on us. Let Your perfect love come into this home and restore us. God, what do I do without You?

Oh Lord, won't You keep my heart tender and soft, always hungry for You and eager to learn and to love? Won't You give me the strength to believe in You and to help me through each passing day?

好累哦。

今天早上爸爸又很早叫我去见他。

爸爸想要交代过世后的一些事。明天会做小手术，过后很快做化疗。能不能耐过这关， 就要看他有多坚强了。

忽然间，一切都发生的好快，我来不及反应。哭也哭过了。现在要办许多事，做很多很多大小决定。真的真的好难。

爸还没有信主。那是我最担心的。神啊，你千万不能让他走。他必须先认识你是救主!

一封写给爸爸的信

爸爸, 你知道吗, 看到你在病床上躺着, 我心里好痛好痛。

看见你瘦了, 又吃不下。吃了又吐出来, 但我却又无能为力。看见你被针刺得满身都是黑青, 一整天都在调点滴, 我好无助。看见你全身痛, 看到你什么都不能作, 我只能逗你笑。看你吃止痛药好像在吃糖, 很想骂你, 但我哪里有心? 看你那么寂寞, 也不舍得告诉你事实。

爸爸, 你知道我很想念你吗? 想念以前你怎么带我出门玩。

接下来的日子我不知道我们会怎么过, 但你可以答应我你会坚强吗? 对, 可能不简单但我会陪你。我们不怕。

爸爸, 你知道我接到你生病的消息后, 一直不停的哭吗。

你要知道很多人在为你祷告。你要信耶稣因为只有祂可以救你, 我和医生都不可以。我很累可是我不会放弃。因为我要在天堂见到你。

我只想对你说, 以前不管发生什么事, 我已经原谅你了。爸, 我真的很爱你的。

Passion and Purity

好特别的一个晚上。我是在做梦吗? 为什么仿佛不记得这种感觉。飘飘然。

让我很怀念以前的日子。好受宠。好简单，好单纯。

是我等到了吗？

The Hero I've Been Looking For.

what do i expect? what do you want?

no more importantly, what do i want? Lord won't you give me clarity and speak to me. i am used to status quo and i am contented now. but its the next season already. would you please reveal to me do i wait or not to? if i do... how long do i? i know maybe i shouldn't be asking for the time period but i guess its the fear of uncertainty in me that is acting up again.

God, You know best.

In Christ alone.

been receiving quite a bit of media attention lately thanks to K Gary. it was overwhelming initially and i thought its probably a glimpse of how nicole seah and the other politicians felt. you feel fake and you feel like you always have to be on a professional front. its stressful. its evenly dangerous and deadly if you're not careful.

i saw how my committee members are all so proud of seeing themselves on papers but i can also tell them mostly it stemmed from being wanting to be approved.

God, humble me. i give back all glory to You. guard my every thought and every word i speak so that i may fear You and do Your will.

in every victory, 

let it be said of me, 

my source of hope, 

my source of strength, 

is in Christ alone.

maybe i am the giraffe... but is he the adam?

好熟悉的感觉。但又有些陌生，因为都已过了这么久。。。

today, i felt so cherished. i was actually being treated like a lady... not like a bro. yes, it was so nourishing. i felt so loved and so protected. as if like i was a princess and i can be that little girl i always long to. but of cos, i didn't let my guard down so easily. maybe i just felt more carefree today and didnt think much about work. i spent my time taking long walks which was rare. so rare.

and yes, i deserved to be treated well. i take it as an affirmation from the Lord.

yesterday someone told me 'you are a treasure'. my heart was so blessed. indeed, i desire to be that treasure in the field. but who is the one, who dares to go all out, to sell and give up everything to buy this plot of land?

Gek xim.

she told me she rather do things her way and get her heart broken to never have tried before and never find out if its possible. she didn't wanna obey me. she didn't want to believe in the bible. she refused to acknowledge and admit God's lordship over her life. 

i was very sad. to see how pride got in the way and how i can almost see that in the end, she would come running back, crying. there's no better way than His way. i can spend all my time and saliva trying to make sense to her but the heart is so hardened... she is sooo deceived. the lies that she lives in... so scary. 

well, i had to face the fact. she is not probably gonna change her mind. i can only pray and battle for her in the spiritual realm and never give up on her. i will be waiting for her return, just like how the Father awaits the prodigal son to turn back. 

as i took a step back, it really got me thinking. what is this compared to how God must have felt when He knew she was gonna betray Him? i was only getting a taste of His broken-heartedness. I am sorry God... i am willing to repent on her behalf. forgive her for she knows not what she is doing. 

it really hurts the Father when we do not walk in His way.. because He knows best for us. yet He chose to give us free will. thank You Lord. :')

58 days.

Time flies.  its only mid week but I am feeling fatigue because I just came back from campusrev camp over the weekend and I stayed up to for ntu fest meeting to do work. Yes v quickly we are counting down to less than 8 weeks away. Somehow, I still cannot believe this is happening. O Lord, let me not belittle what You can do through me.

Campusrev camp has always been life changing for me. When I was a freshie, God spoke to me there and I sensed His calling to serve and eventually led to a shift im cg. The next year, again I sought God and was led to rise up to my position of influence in school. Finally this year as I dread going due to the jadedness (which I repented on) I felt over the years,  I felt at peace over the trip. Though slightly distracted,  I knew I was playing a different role now. I am a leader over my members who too desire to serve. I am blessed to know that they caught the fire.

Lately,  I also struggle in the different hats I wear. One moment we are friends, another we are co-leaders and then finally we are also committee members working in the same project. When I look at you, many times my heart cringed. I dont know how to help you as much as I want to. Its a journey for you and I pray that the Lord will speak to you.

给自己一个机会。

when i turned 21, on the birthday party i threw, i suddenly noticed many suitors. after secondary school, after i came to know the Lord, for a few years somehow i didn't hear of many chasing me anymore. and then suddenly they all appear together again. i receive many bouquets of flowers over the year, of whom a few are pre believers. there are also a few who are actually 'ready candidate' recommended by others...

i am just glad that i chose to consecrate my heart when i was 20. because if i hadnt... i would probably be picking up those broken pieces of my heart now. i remember so clearly during G12 conference that year i told the Lord i will leave my heart at the altar and if any man wants to retrieve it, he has gotta go through Him. till today, i am waiting for that man who will go and kneel at the altar and ask God for it. 

yes there were times i was attracted to some guys but i made sure i drew my boundaries clear. maybe it was out of fear to fall deep and then getting hurt later. but maybe its also because i didnt wanna be like the old who is only in love with the feeling of being in love and being in love with all the attention i get... that is just so selfish. i wanna truly be in love and committed to a God-fearing man.

this season, i have finally decided to get down and pray about this man. i don't deny i have someone in mind... but first, 我要过得了我自己这关。God, would you please tutor me?

I miss my mom.

its been three weeks. she talked to me once a week and it is always so sarcastic. sometimes i see the pain and pride in her. but you know what? it is merely a mirror reflection. if i refuse to try to coax her, how can i blame her that his relationship is not working out?

万事开头难。i struggle to open my mouth first because i fear the awkwardness to comes after. how would she react? i mean, the worse is she hangs my call and ignores me. maybe she can even scream at me and call me nuts. definitely it hurts and so its stopping me from doing so.

its one thing about her not giving me allowances and i have to work very hard to support myself. but i think what matters to me more is that am i going to continue living under this roof as if i am invisible?

told SW on monday night i will really try to work something out with my mom. sometimes its precisely cos she's my mom, i unknowingly have certain expectations of her. its knowing that she may react in the human way but still wanting to try it because i am going to believe in God for a miracle. God help me... its been so many years...

Where should I start?

ever since i recovered for my bad week of fever and cough, i returned to two weeks of hectic work. it got my mind off much things, kept me active but also took up a lot of my time. it was a good excuse to skip several school meetings but of cos because of that i got some superiors upset. right now i am actually trying to take regularly time out and leave to ensure i can still complete my tasks on time!

tonight is actually one rare day i return before 10pm. met yuling and jolene earlier. it was nice getting to know them and thankful for yuling being willing to let me walk her two girls through the next season of her life in NTU.

i actually fear. maybe because they are not new christians so they may know even more than i do? maybe they will questions that i don't have answers? maybe they are not my own fruits so i feel that awkwardness in trying to break ice and get to know them? but Lord, let me counter all these in faith. how to lead them i dont know but Lord teach me to just be a blessing to them. i need to walk right with You and be grounded in Your Word before i can even share and disciple anyone. those fears are invalid because i trust that as long as i follow God and have a genuine desire to want to care and love them and grow them, it doesnt matter what intellectual and/or theology queries they can bombard me but You can use me to speak to them. of cos i pray they also have a soft and open heart to want to submit to my leadership and account to me. i shall look forward to getting to know that and build a relationship...

in the past few days, i have been thinking a lot. i woke up praying every morning ensuring that i dont 走火入魔 and sink into depression once again. its really wisdom to know when to stop 'reflecting'.

1. of cos there has been much progress with NTU Fest and i am thinking strategically how i can position myself in the education gate for now... my time here is gonna be up very soon and i need to spend it effectively. what is God's dream for Singapore in education? earlier this morning i was asked about some ideas i can contribute to the school too...

2. got back my result last week. maybe the word to use was devastated. haha, yes but only for one day dont worry. i am glad i wasnt at work if not i would certainly be distracted. couldnt help but wonder if God really intended for me to stay in NTU a little longer now that i possible have to extend a semester... well, if its meant to be, then God could you please provide for the school fees and my daily allowances and expenses? it is REALLY beyond me. the thought of it scares me. many people tried to tell me not to worry about that.. i mean, i was never taught how to 'borrow' money or to accept monetary assistance so i do not know how to receive even if they want to bless me. to me, if i can work for it, i will do it to the best of my ability so i reject them. but i really need to work something out somewhere. would it be possible that God actually send people to bless me with cash to pull through till i actually start working?

3. YF gave me a good 'lecture' over the weekend when we had lots of travelling time during D&G's wedding. you can say i saw it coming... he was good. he put it across to me so gently and lovingly that i just had to admit, go back and repent about my blind spots. we talked about much but all i can remember right now is that i seriously have pride issues (especially when it comes to working with man). i need to tone down, soften the manly side of me and seek to become a helper who can empower and see the potential in SW. its not the first time its surfacing yes that's true. and so OK, i will work on it. God help me!! i wanna also make it a point to evaluate the kind of people i hang out with. i would jolly well better stop hanging out with people whom so naturally drawn to agree with what we discuss about (mostly when it comes to putting judgement on others). no i cannot. cos that's being wise in my own eyes! absurd. and as i am writing this, i already have two very dear friends in mind. God, deal with us so that my hearts will be right before You.

How?

Its amazing how I feel bored suddenly.  Its not because I dont have anything to do. Its because I refused to do them, and I am just resting.

I think bout the cell group that I am going to lead on sunday, the word I need to share. God, what do I share? Its not that theres nothing up there in my head now, its just what is best?
Praying for Liz and laying hold of her life. Honestly I am concern she will back out on me. But what can I do?

So many questions...

Havent been very happy in school. NTU Fest is less than 3 months away. So many loose ends to tie and everything is gonna go into a rush. I am trying not to think about it. Each time it bothers me, I sing Lord I surrender...
The school management hasnt been the best people to work with. Many times I know I call the shots and I dont need to be under their mercy. But I tolerate. And I began to see what God is teaching me in this journey. It really built my patience. I just knew God is preparing me for something greater in the near future. So these are little trials that I must withstand. Its really about making big decisions and shaping policies and a higher level. I still cant tell what I will really become...
public sector as a civil servant or private sector involved in politics? Its so near yet so far. There is fear I admit. The comfort I have is that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and plans not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Wherever I go, Lord, go with me and let me serve You and touch Your heart.

Like a flood, His mercy reigns.

So much been on my mind lately.  I wanted so much to just journal bout my thoughts and emotions but everything always happen so quickly.

144 re encounter has been truly amazing. Really just met God at every session. There was much healing in the weeping to know that I am chosen by the Lord, set apart to do His work and I will be fruitful just because He says so. No strife, no performance trap. So blessed.

Came back and ran a fever straight for three days. Felt so terrible just being bed ridden. After one week I am still coughing.  This is quite bad. But ya, blessing in disguise that I took some time to catch up on rest and just sleep in. Thankful I didnt give in to those thoughts of being helpless.

As I finally shifted home from hall, mom acted up again. Beat me with a  hanger which shocked me. I guess of all the days I always anticipated me leaving the house when she's manifesting in anger, that night still came so sudden and unexpectedly.  Of cos there was much pain in the heart, to truly muster that courage and walk away. To me, its definitely a breakthrough. Its a radical change in the belief system believing that I am a child of the one true God and no fingers shall be laid on me. It is knowing that I did it out of love for my mom with prayers in my heart that she will begin to see the consequences of sins. Do I still fear? Yes. But each day I live in His grace. When I go, I trust that the Lord will provide for me. I trust that the Lord will keep me and deliver me. I know my God and I know His character. He is my only refuge that I know I can run to.

Work has also started for me. I am excited for a change in environment. Thankful that the flexibility allows me to do what I need to complete in NTU. God is so good.  So loved by the community especially by my cellgroup. :')

Those tears, they wont stop

还记得, 几岁大时, 她把我寄放在表哥家睡。一整夜我躺在床上, 以为被抛弃了。眼泪不停留着, 只喊着 "妈妈, 妈妈"。

这么多年以候, 在这个晚上, 我忽然回想起那时的感受。不一样的是, 今晚睡在朋友家。 虽然还是在哭泣着, 但心里叫着的是, "阿爸天父!"

我并不是被遗弃的那个小女孩。我是有人要的。耶稣要。

今日候, 我不晓得路要怎么走。。 祖啊, 应到我吧。你是我的避难所。

Building a Fortress for the Holy Spirit

its exams period. been a tough time man. it is one of the heaviest semester with extra work load from CCA. God's grace and mercy upon me...

so as i took time out to meet Joyce, Yuling and Rachel last night, i too, didnt know what to expect. for Joyce to decide to put Rachel under me because she and Jolene are coming NTU, is it helping me to start a work here since i have been barren? idk... irregardless, i am thankful for the opportunity to walk with a junior through a new season of uni life. the other side of me fears. she's not a new christian and i have no clue how to mentor someone who came from a christian background! she's going to fcbs... what if she got a lot of intellectual theology questions for me? hahah i know how silly that sounds.. invalid questions even. but ya, i came to God just telling Him, i am Your vessel. if you make my paths crossed with theirs, let You speak to them through me. 

Joyce shared an interesting yet powerful analogy with Rachel over dinner. it was pretty much the same she shared with me when i met her earlier this year. it was about how our mind (thoughts/emotions), our speech and our actions affirm our beliefs. when something happens, we can have many different ways of responding to the situation. do we trust God or do we succumb to the human side of us? sometimes its easier said until the tests come. today start with dealing with the small things so that in time to come, we have greater faith to face the bigger problems. daily i want to be sharp to recognize myself (and of cos others) what are some of the indications of wrong beliefs. it may stem from simple words like "hai, so sian" and my favourite - "huh, again ah", and behavior in certain patterns like loss of interest and possibly sarcasm. i cant tell people's thoughts but i can tell from how they live out their lives. and this, will be how out i remove the bricks, one at a time, from building a dwelling place for the enemies to replacing this bricks in building a fortress for the HS to reside in. 

on a side note, Joyce has been really amazing. i am like, how does she do it? she's got a family with two kids and a helper... MORE than 12 disciples (obviously).. she's probably counselling many other couples and broken ladies out there (many of whom are probably stray-away sheep she's trying to catch) and still so garang on reaching out and expanding God's kingdom. she also still has her parents, her work life (not forgetting the exam she has to take) as an auditor... she runs cellgroups and attends her own plus must deal with all the reorg in church. hmmm, how she does it ah? really leh. *thumbs up*

(ok just in case Joyce you are reading this, i am not trying to 'por' you hor. its really something on my mind)

so anyway, i figured that its really God's grace in her life. how her earlier years fighting battles have gave her much wisdom and strength to multi-task all these now. its inspiring, and it makes me dream to be like her. she may be the 'most successful' woman to most people will label, but well, she's a good mother (to both her earthly and spiritual children) and that's the best thing i learnt from her. its my desire to be a loving and faithful mother too. :)

Rain Down.

its been a week of just crying and crying... from being torn, broken to just repentance and interceding until now finally finding restedness.

its liberating.

i looked back and i grew again in the Lord. yeah i did. how i struggled and just wrestled and eventually surrendered. He has just been speaking to me daily in the entire week. i know He is real. He never left me nor forsaken me.

there were moments i doubted. what 'fruits that will last'? you kidding me? but no Lord, if its in Your Word then yes i hold on to it and it'll come to pass. its OK i bless others. they take my people. i just be faithful to what God has called me and trust in the Lord's timing.

i couldnt help but be reminded of the prayer i made the last 30 days.

break my heart for what breaks Yours

and as i just let it go and broke down at worship last night on the last day of sanctification week, i heard all the selfish prayers of all the sinners. the church is merely a safe hiding place for sinful people. ouch. how much that must have hurt God.

and that's a new lesson i learnt this season. it was beyond the crying for the lost souls alr. it was crying for the division in the church. crying for His bride. crying just how broken we all are and in desperate need for a Saviour in our daily lives.

oh yes Lord. never let Your servant be wise in her own eyes and be self-righteous. i want to seek first Your kingdom and YOUR righteousness.

cheers to the Lord. from strength to strength, glory to glory. #bittersweet :')

In Between.

Today is after Good Friday but before Easter Sunday.

Recently, i worked very hard in sharing the gospel, spreading the Good News and inviting the lost to church to encounter God. I prayed daily for them to be saved, to have eternal life with God in heaven.

I know that this is a battle that will bring warfare.

More than that, as i prayed for my heart to be broken, God truly showed me the sins of this world. It was probably just the tip of the iceberg, NOTHING compared to Jesus at the cross...

I look at my friends... I no longer see them as people walking around. I begin seeing them as souls who are condemned and destined to be separated from His everlasting love. How can that be God! Then it made me cry for them more. I recognize that I may not be like Paul, a preacher or missionary who goes to the ends of the world. But all I want to do is play my part and fulfill the great commission. If its one life, the angels are also rejoicing!

Not about the numbers... Its about the lives.

NTU

Genesis 28:15 NIV

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

I dont know what is this fire, this dream that God has placed in my heart for this lovely place. Its.. sucha love-hate relationship. It has brought me so much pain yet so much growth and joy. It has been a crazy and bumpy ride ever since I said "yes Lord, here i am, send me."

I never did quite settle down since 2012. Maybe by then i was really a grown up infant in Christ, deemed ready to spread my wings and fly. After a good two years am I beginning to see some light being shed. This journey has taught me to pack my bag well and always be on the go. When God calls, my job is to obey. After a while, I just didn't bother to get comfortable because I know anytime I may just be 'activated'. (Haha, glimpse of a missionary.) From shifting of cell group, network and going to and fro from this place, yes only God never changed through it all. Tiring I dare not deny but His grace kept me through. So much tears all the while. But I do not belong to the world. My home is in the Heaven and when He comes back, I want to be able to put down everything and just go.

Ups or downs, God has never left me nor forsake me. It was humbling at times and very trying period on other times to be put through tests and trials. But as I rise above all the circumstances, I felt that I shine brighter as a diamond that withstood all the refining after being under the pressure to be formed.

All in all, thankful. :)