it has been a while.

roller coaster ride in the short past three months. from the day my dad was admitted to hospital, to him passing away and then finally NTU Fest before i actually became SU's President... it has been a bumpy ride. of cos not forgeting that along the way there were many short stories in between.

yes no doubt i still miss my dad, but i am also coping better with his passing. he chose Singapore's national day to leave me. and exactly one week from NTU Fest 2014. i know he fought extremely hard. he slipped into a coma two days before he left for Heaven. and that was also when i made the decision that he will not receive any aid. there was just too much pain for him to bear. and yes, he came to know the Lord after g12 conference when i held onto God for his salvation. so i was willing to let him go home to the Lord. it all happened so quickly within a span of one month. there are still times i wish he could talk to me and ask me if he is still seeing me the next morning before he was going to sleep. i wouldnt forget the scene before he breathed his last. he teared. but pa, till we meet again, wait for me. i know you're safe in the arms of my heavenly father. :')

NTU Fest was a success. (or at least that's what THEY claim) it just came and went by so quickly that i was just being functional. i gained much attention on news because of this. thank You Lord for your grace and mercy. Your hand was upon it i know. the weather couldnt get any better and there were no major hiccups. You're so good, so so good.

honestly i was tired. and i very much wanted a break. to just remain low profile. but i also know that there were many open doors for me. and so i rose up to the calling of being president. another tough journey ahead. but Lord, wont you tutor me?

I am so imperfect.

I am angry too. And I dont know how to handle these emotions when I go home. I don't want to grow bitter and eventually harden my heart.

Its difficult when I look at the brokenness in the family. In the past two weeks, the hurts seem to have magnified. And I am sure it wasn't just in me, but in my mom, bro and sis too.

I find myself entangled in God's grace, having to forgive them so many times in a day... for the things they did and did not do.

Maybe a part of me isn't happy with the affair that mom is having. I still hear her talk to him over the phone. And I couldn't help but imagine that she wanted dad to pass on soon so that she is finally free to indulge in her desire.
Yet I cry as I write this... I feel so sorry for my mom. She is only a woman in need of love and attention and in someone else she found herself being able to let her guards down. It was that security that my dad has failed to give her over those years. How can I blame and hate her for merely wanting to fill that emptiness up? She is confused too...

There was disappointment, I have to admit, in my siblings. I already tried to not expect. But when I ran out of options and suggested shifting dad home, my brother denied him coming back. How do I have the heart to tell dad that 他有家回不得! I already let it slide when they don't want to help, but how can they deprive father of a chance to return home...
And when I took a step back to see why they were behaving like that, I see broken and hurting people walking around the house. All of them refused forgiveness. They had so many chances but they allowed their past to haunt them in darkness. They didnt want awkwardness with my dad. They are trying to avoid seeing him and watching how the cancer is going to torture him. They cant bear to come home each day looking at a dying man losing weight, hair and body functions. When he is in pain, I know it pains them too. And they are also running away from facing all these situations and emotions.

I looked at my dad. He was rarely in a daze, staring blankly into thin air. What was he thinking? Was it flashbacks of how he first met mom at that hawker center over a plate of duck rice? Or maybe it was their wedding... perhaps it was when he first held my bro in his arms. Could it be he was thinking bout what, where and how everyone is now?

God, the family that You instituted, why did it have to become like that? We are all just imperfect people. Have mercy on us. Let Your perfect love come into this home and restore us. God, what do I do without You?

Oh Lord, won't You keep my heart tender and soft, always hungry for You and eager to learn and to love? Won't You give me the strength to believe in You and to help me through each passing day?

好累哦。

今天早上爸爸又很早叫我去见他。

爸爸想要交代过世后的一些事。明天会做小手术，过后很快做化疗。能不能耐过这关， 就要看他有多坚强了。

忽然间，一切都发生的好快，我来不及反应。哭也哭过了。现在要办许多事，做很多很多大小决定。真的真的好难。

爸还没有信主。那是我最担心的。神啊，你千万不能让他走。他必须先认识你是救主!

一封写给爸爸的信

爸爸, 你知道吗, 看到你在病床上躺着, 我心里好痛好痛。

看见你瘦了, 又吃不下。吃了又吐出来, 但我却又无能为力。看见你被针刺得满身都是黑青, 一整天都在调点滴, 我好无助。看见你全身痛, 看到你什么都不能作, 我只能逗你笑。看你吃止痛药好像在吃糖, 很想骂你, 但我哪里有心? 看你那么寂寞, 也不舍得告诉你事实。

爸爸, 你知道我很想念你吗? 想念以前你怎么带我出门玩。

接下来的日子我不知道我们会怎么过, 但你可以答应我你会坚强吗? 对, 可能不简单但我会陪你。我们不怕。

爸爸, 你知道我接到你生病的消息后, 一直不停的哭吗。

你要知道很多人在为你祷告。你要信耶稣因为只有祂可以救你, 我和医生都不可以。我很累可是我不会放弃。因为我要在天堂见到你。

我只想对你说, 以前不管发生什么事, 我已经原谅你了。爸, 我真的很爱你的。

Passion and Purity

好特别的一个晚上。我是在做梦吗? 为什么仿佛不记得这种感觉。飘飘然。

让我很怀念以前的日子。好受宠。好简单，好单纯。

是我等到了吗？

The Hero I've Been Looking For.

what do i expect? what do you want?

no more importantly, what do i want? Lord won't you give me clarity and speak to me. i am used to status quo and i am contented now. but its the next season already. would you please reveal to me do i wait or not to? if i do... how long do i? i know maybe i shouldn't be asking for the time period but i guess its the fear of uncertainty in me that is acting up again.

God, You know best.

In Christ alone.

been receiving quite a bit of media attention lately thanks to K Gary. it was overwhelming initially and i thought its probably a glimpse of how nicole seah and the other politicians felt. you feel fake and you feel like you always have to be on a professional front. its stressful. its evenly dangerous and deadly if you're not careful.

i saw how my committee members are all so proud of seeing themselves on papers but i can also tell them mostly it stemmed from being wanting to be approved.

God, humble me. i give back all glory to You. guard my every thought and every word i speak so that i may fear You and do Your will.

in every victory, 

let it be said of me, 

my source of hope, 

my source of strength, 

is in Christ alone.

maybe i am the giraffe... but is he the adam?

好熟悉的感觉。但又有些陌生，因为都已过了这么久。。。

today, i felt so cherished. i was actually being treated like a lady... not like a bro. yes, it was so nourishing. i felt so loved and so protected. as if like i was a princess and i can be that little girl i always long to. but of cos, i didn't let my guard down so easily. maybe i just felt more carefree today and didnt think much about work. i spent my time taking long walks which was rare. so rare.

and yes, i deserved to be treated well. i take it as an affirmation from the Lord.

yesterday someone told me 'you are a treasure'. my heart was so blessed. indeed, i desire to be that treasure in the field. but who is the one, who dares to go all out, to sell and give up everything to buy this plot of land?

Gek xim.

she told me she rather do things her way and get her heart broken to never have tried before and never find out if its possible. she didn't wanna obey me. she didn't want to believe in the bible. she refused to acknowledge and admit God's lordship over her life. 

i was very sad. to see how pride got in the way and how i can almost see that in the end, she would come running back, crying. there's no better way than His way. i can spend all my time and saliva trying to make sense to her but the heart is so hardened... she is sooo deceived. the lies that she lives in... so scary. 

well, i had to face the fact. she is not probably gonna change her mind. i can only pray and battle for her in the spiritual realm and never give up on her. i will be waiting for her return, just like how the Father awaits the prodigal son to turn back. 

as i took a step back, it really got me thinking. what is this compared to how God must have felt when He knew she was gonna betray Him? i was only getting a taste of His broken-heartedness. I am sorry God... i am willing to repent on her behalf. forgive her for she knows not what she is doing. 

it really hurts the Father when we do not walk in His way.. because He knows best for us. yet He chose to give us free will. thank You Lord. :')

58 days.

Time flies.  its only mid week but I am feeling fatigue because I just came back from campusrev camp over the weekend and I stayed up to for ntu fest meeting to do work. Yes v quickly we are counting down to less than 8 weeks away. Somehow, I still cannot believe this is happening. O Lord, let me not belittle what You can do through me.

Campusrev camp has always been life changing for me. When I was a freshie, God spoke to me there and I sensed His calling to serve and eventually led to a shift im cg. The next year, again I sought God and was led to rise up to my position of influence in school. Finally this year as I dread going due to the jadedness (which I repented on) I felt over the years,  I felt at peace over the trip. Though slightly distracted,  I knew I was playing a different role now. I am a leader over my members who too desire to serve. I am blessed to know that they caught the fire.

Lately,  I also struggle in the different hats I wear. One moment we are friends, another we are co-leaders and then finally we are also committee members working in the same project. When I look at you, many times my heart cringed. I dont know how to help you as much as I want to. Its a journey for you and I pray that the Lord will speak to you.

给自己一个机会。

when i turned 21, on the birthday party i threw, i suddenly noticed many suitors. after secondary school, after i came to know the Lord, for a few years somehow i didn't hear of many chasing me anymore. and then suddenly they all appear together again. i receive many bouquets of flowers over the year, of whom a few are pre believers. there are also a few who are actually 'ready candidate' recommended by others...

i am just glad that i chose to consecrate my heart when i was 20. because if i hadnt... i would probably be picking up those broken pieces of my heart now. i remember so clearly during G12 conference that year i told the Lord i will leave my heart at the altar and if any man wants to retrieve it, he has gotta go through Him. till today, i am waiting for that man who will go and kneel at the altar and ask God for it. 

yes there were times i was attracted to some guys but i made sure i drew my boundaries clear. maybe it was out of fear to fall deep and then getting hurt later. but maybe its also because i didnt wanna be like the old who is only in love with the feeling of being in love and being in love with all the attention i get... that is just so selfish. i wanna truly be in love and committed to a God-fearing man.

this season, i have finally decided to get down and pray about this man. i don't deny i have someone in mind... but first, 我要过得了我自己这关。God, would you please tutor me?

I miss my mom.

its been three weeks. she talked to me once a week and it is always so sarcastic. sometimes i see the pain and pride in her. but you know what? it is merely a mirror reflection. if i refuse to try to coax her, how can i blame her that his relationship is not working out?

万事开头难。i struggle to open my mouth first because i fear the awkwardness to comes after. how would she react? i mean, the worse is she hangs my call and ignores me. maybe she can even scream at me and call me nuts. definitely it hurts and so its stopping me from doing so.

its one thing about her not giving me allowances and i have to work very hard to support myself. but i think what matters to me more is that am i going to continue living under this roof as if i am invisible?

told SW on monday night i will really try to work something out with my mom. sometimes its precisely cos she's my mom, i unknowingly have certain expectations of her. its knowing that she may react in the human way but still wanting to try it because i am going to believe in God for a miracle. God help me... its been so many years...

Where should I start?

ever since i recovered for my bad week of fever and cough, i returned to two weeks of hectic work. it got my mind off much things, kept me active but also took up a lot of my time. it was a good excuse to skip several school meetings but of cos because of that i got some superiors upset. right now i am actually trying to take regularly time out and leave to ensure i can still complete my tasks on time!

tonight is actually one rare day i return before 10pm. met yuling and jolene earlier. it was nice getting to know them and thankful for yuling being willing to let me walk her two girls through the next season of her life in NTU.

i actually fear. maybe because they are not new christians so they may know even more than i do? maybe they will questions that i don't have answers? maybe they are not my own fruits so i feel that awkwardness in trying to break ice and get to know them? but Lord, let me counter all these in faith. how to lead them i dont know but Lord teach me to just be a blessing to them. i need to walk right with You and be grounded in Your Word before i can even share and disciple anyone. those fears are invalid because i trust that as long as i follow God and have a genuine desire to want to care and love them and grow them, it doesnt matter what intellectual and/or theology queries they can bombard me but You can use me to speak to them. of cos i pray they also have a soft and open heart to want to submit to my leadership and account to me. i shall look forward to getting to know that and build a relationship...

in the past few days, i have been thinking a lot. i woke up praying every morning ensuring that i dont 走火入魔 and sink into depression once again. its really wisdom to know when to stop 'reflecting'.

1. of cos there has been much progress with NTU Fest and i am thinking strategically how i can position myself in the education gate for now... my time here is gonna be up very soon and i need to spend it effectively. what is God's dream for Singapore in education? earlier this morning i was asked about some ideas i can contribute to the school too...

2. got back my result last week. maybe the word to use was devastated. haha, yes but only for one day dont worry. i am glad i wasnt at work if not i would certainly be distracted. couldnt help but wonder if God really intended for me to stay in NTU a little longer now that i possible have to extend a semester... well, if its meant to be, then God could you please provide for the school fees and my daily allowances and expenses? it is REALLY beyond me. the thought of it scares me. many people tried to tell me not to worry about that.. i mean, i was never taught how to 'borrow' money or to accept monetary assistance so i do not know how to receive even if they want to bless me. to me, if i can work for it, i will do it to the best of my ability so i reject them. but i really need to work something out somewhere. would it be possible that God actually send people to bless me with cash to pull through till i actually start working?

3. YF gave me a good 'lecture' over the weekend when we had lots of travelling time during D&G's wedding. you can say i saw it coming... he was good. he put it across to me so gently and lovingly that i just had to admit, go back and repent about my blind spots. we talked about much but all i can remember right now is that i seriously have pride issues (especially when it comes to working with man). i need to tone down, soften the manly side of me and seek to become a helper who can empower and see the potential in SW. its not the first time its surfacing yes that's true. and so OK, i will work on it. God help me!! i wanna also make it a point to evaluate the kind of people i hang out with. i would jolly well better stop hanging out with people whom so naturally drawn to agree with what we discuss about (mostly when it comes to putting judgement on others). no i cannot. cos that's being wise in my own eyes! absurd. and as i am writing this, i already have two very dear friends in mind. God, deal with us so that my hearts will be right before You.

How?

Its amazing how I feel bored suddenly.  Its not because I dont have anything to do. Its because I refused to do them, and I am just resting.

I think bout the cell group that I am going to lead on sunday, the word I need to share. God, what do I share? Its not that theres nothing up there in my head now, its just what is best?
Praying for Liz and laying hold of her life. Honestly I am concern she will back out on me. But what can I do?

So many questions...

Havent been very happy in school. NTU Fest is less than 3 months away. So many loose ends to tie and everything is gonna go into a rush. I am trying not to think about it. Each time it bothers me, I sing Lord I surrender...
The school management hasnt been the best people to work with. Many times I know I call the shots and I dont need to be under their mercy. But I tolerate. And I began to see what God is teaching me in this journey. It really built my patience. I just knew God is preparing me for something greater in the near future. So these are little trials that I must withstand. Its really about making big decisions and shaping policies and a higher level. I still cant tell what I will really become...
public sector as a civil servant or private sector involved in politics? Its so near yet so far. There is fear I admit. The comfort I have is that the Lord knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and plans not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. Wherever I go, Lord, go with me and let me serve You and touch Your heart.

Like a flood, His mercy reigns.

So much been on my mind lately.  I wanted so much to just journal bout my thoughts and emotions but everything always happen so quickly.

144 re encounter has been truly amazing. Really just met God at every session. There was much healing in the weeping to know that I am chosen by the Lord, set apart to do His work and I will be fruitful just because He says so. No strife, no performance trap. So blessed.

Came back and ran a fever straight for three days. Felt so terrible just being bed ridden. After one week I am still coughing.  This is quite bad. But ya, blessing in disguise that I took some time to catch up on rest and just sleep in. Thankful I didnt give in to those thoughts of being helpless.

As I finally shifted home from hall, mom acted up again. Beat me with a  hanger which shocked me. I guess of all the days I always anticipated me leaving the house when she's manifesting in anger, that night still came so sudden and unexpectedly.  Of cos there was much pain in the heart, to truly muster that courage and walk away. To me, its definitely a breakthrough. Its a radical change in the belief system believing that I am a child of the one true God and no fingers shall be laid on me. It is knowing that I did it out of love for my mom with prayers in my heart that she will begin to see the consequences of sins. Do I still fear? Yes. But each day I live in His grace. When I go, I trust that the Lord will provide for me. I trust that the Lord will keep me and deliver me. I know my God and I know His character. He is my only refuge that I know I can run to.

Work has also started for me. I am excited for a change in environment. Thankful that the flexibility allows me to do what I need to complete in NTU. God is so good.  So loved by the community especially by my cellgroup. :')

Those tears, they wont stop

还记得, 几岁大时, 她把我寄放在表哥家睡。一整夜我躺在床上, 以为被抛弃了。眼泪不停留着, 只喊着 "妈妈, 妈妈"。

这么多年以候, 在这个晚上, 我忽然回想起那时的感受。不一样的是, 今晚睡在朋友家。 虽然还是在哭泣着, 但心里叫着的是, "阿爸天父!"

我并不是被遗弃的那个小女孩。我是有人要的。耶稣要。

今日候, 我不晓得路要怎么走。。 祖啊, 应到我吧。你是我的避难所。

Building a Fortress for the Holy Spirit

its exams period. been a tough time man. it is one of the heaviest semester with extra work load from CCA. God's grace and mercy upon me...

so as i took time out to meet Joyce, Yuling and Rachel last night, i too, didnt know what to expect. for Joyce to decide to put Rachel under me because she and Jolene are coming NTU, is it helping me to start a work here since i have been barren? idk... irregardless, i am thankful for the opportunity to walk with a junior through a new season of uni life. the other side of me fears. she's not a new christian and i have no clue how to mentor someone who came from a christian background! she's going to fcbs... what if she got a lot of intellectual theology questions for me? hahah i know how silly that sounds.. invalid questions even. but ya, i came to God just telling Him, i am Your vessel. if you make my paths crossed with theirs, let You speak to them through me. 

Joyce shared an interesting yet powerful analogy with Rachel over dinner. it was pretty much the same she shared with me when i met her earlier this year. it was about how our mind (thoughts/emotions), our speech and our actions affirm our beliefs. when something happens, we can have many different ways of responding to the situation. do we trust God or do we succumb to the human side of us? sometimes its easier said until the tests come. today start with dealing with the small things so that in time to come, we have greater faith to face the bigger problems. daily i want to be sharp to recognize myself (and of cos others) what are some of the indications of wrong beliefs. it may stem from simple words like "hai, so sian" and my favourite - "huh, again ah", and behavior in certain patterns like loss of interest and possibly sarcasm. i cant tell people's thoughts but i can tell from how they live out their lives. and this, will be how out i remove the bricks, one at a time, from building a dwelling place for the enemies to replacing this bricks in building a fortress for the HS to reside in. 

on a side note, Joyce has been really amazing. i am like, how does she do it? she's got a family with two kids and a helper... MORE than 12 disciples (obviously).. she's probably counselling many other couples and broken ladies out there (many of whom are probably stray-away sheep she's trying to catch) and still so garang on reaching out and expanding God's kingdom. she also still has her parents, her work life (not forgetting the exam she has to take) as an auditor... she runs cellgroups and attends her own plus must deal with all the reorg in church. hmmm, how she does it ah? really leh. *thumbs up*

(ok just in case Joyce you are reading this, i am not trying to 'por' you hor. its really something on my mind)

so anyway, i figured that its really God's grace in her life. how her earlier years fighting battles have gave her much wisdom and strength to multi-task all these now. its inspiring, and it makes me dream to be like her. she may be the 'most successful' woman to most people will label, but well, she's a good mother (to both her earthly and spiritual children) and that's the best thing i learnt from her. its my desire to be a loving and faithful mother too. :)

Rain Down.

its been a week of just crying and crying... from being torn, broken to just repentance and interceding until now finally finding restedness.

its liberating.

i looked back and i grew again in the Lord. yeah i did. how i struggled and just wrestled and eventually surrendered. He has just been speaking to me daily in the entire week. i know He is real. He never left me nor forsaken me.

there were moments i doubted. what 'fruits that will last'? you kidding me? but no Lord, if its in Your Word then yes i hold on to it and it'll come to pass. its OK i bless others. they take my people. i just be faithful to what God has called me and trust in the Lord's timing.

i couldnt help but be reminded of the prayer i made the last 30 days.

break my heart for what breaks Yours

and as i just let it go and broke down at worship last night on the last day of sanctification week, i heard all the selfish prayers of all the sinners. the church is merely a safe hiding place for sinful people. ouch. how much that must have hurt God.

and that's a new lesson i learnt this season. it was beyond the crying for the lost souls alr. it was crying for the division in the church. crying for His bride. crying just how broken we all are and in desperate need for a Saviour in our daily lives.

oh yes Lord. never let Your servant be wise in her own eyes and be self-righteous. i want to seek first Your kingdom and YOUR righteousness.

cheers to the Lord. from strength to strength, glory to glory. #bittersweet :')

In Between.

Today is after Good Friday but before Easter Sunday.

Recently, i worked very hard in sharing the gospel, spreading the Good News and inviting the lost to church to encounter God. I prayed daily for them to be saved, to have eternal life with God in heaven.

I know that this is a battle that will bring warfare.

More than that, as i prayed for my heart to be broken, God truly showed me the sins of this world. It was probably just the tip of the iceberg, NOTHING compared to Jesus at the cross...

I look at my friends... I no longer see them as people walking around. I begin seeing them as souls who are condemned and destined to be separated from His everlasting love. How can that be God! Then it made me cry for them more. I recognize that I may not be like Paul, a preacher or missionary who goes to the ends of the world. But all I want to do is play my part and fulfill the great commission. If its one life, the angels are also rejoicing!

Not about the numbers... Its about the lives.

NTU

Genesis 28:15 NIV

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

I dont know what is this fire, this dream that God has placed in my heart for this lovely place. Its.. sucha love-hate relationship. It has brought me so much pain yet so much growth and joy. It has been a crazy and bumpy ride ever since I said "yes Lord, here i am, send me."

I never did quite settle down since 2012. Maybe by then i was really a grown up infant in Christ, deemed ready to spread my wings and fly. After a good two years am I beginning to see some light being shed. This journey has taught me to pack my bag well and always be on the go. When God calls, my job is to obey. After a while, I just didn't bother to get comfortable because I know anytime I may just be 'activated'. (Haha, glimpse of a missionary.) From shifting of cell group, network and going to and fro from this place, yes only God never changed through it all. Tiring I dare not deny but His grace kept me through. So much tears all the while. But I do not belong to the world. My home is in the Heaven and when He comes back, I want to be able to put down everything and just go.

Ups or downs, God has never left me nor forsake me. It was humbling at times and very trying period on other times to be put through tests and trials. But as I rise above all the circumstances, I felt that I shine brighter as a diamond that withstood all the refining after being under the pressure to be formed.

All in all, thankful. :)

Glory of God.

On and off, I catch people commenting that my face seeks radiant. I am thankful and would always point back to God saying its His glory reflected upon me. Wow, what a privilege.

With all the little tests and quizzes ceasing, just when I thought I can finally have a break, final exams are coming right up. This is really an endless cycle, chasing after all the earthly things and if I am not careful,  I can so easily burn out.

As I returned home this weekend, I realised that this is no longer home. The sad truth is coming to pass. My mom always asked if I treated this place like a hotel. Then my answer was no. Now, I may not deny it. I spoke to her for less than 10 sentences weekly. Maybe its a form of defense mechanism. I dont wanna get hurt by her so I build up a wall. Yes, because nothing good and soothing to the soul comes out of her mouth.

But Lord, help me. Let me never harden my heart.

Happy Birthday, My Gorgeous Girl.

As I looked into the mirror that morning after I woke up, I just heard the Spirit whispering ever so gently,

"happy birthday, beautiful."

i smiled. i encountered God. to me, that was the most precious moment, one that is priceless. i turned 22. and i finally caught a glimpse of what God meant when He said He made me fearfully and wonderfully. He knows my name even when I was in the womb. He watches over me. i am so so... loved, so cherished and treasured. indeed... He is my closest Friend, and the Lover of my soul. i dont need many texts from the many people i know... i just need Him :')

i had a lovely birthday. showered with gifts which i appreciate because they meet my real needs, like a watch and a bag... thankful. i had several surprises as well... it was a nice time catching up with people though i was overwhelmed by work in the week so much so that i hardly slept. 

one of the most memorable one was when the NTU cell group came to surprise me. i was up at the rooftop praying late that night and so focused in reading my bible that when the group of them came up, i did not give a second look to notice their faces in the dark. so when finally they stood surrounding me did i realise i was ambushed! hahaha. honestly, for a moment, i thought that in my third year, after all the people who came and left or disappeared, NTU cell will no longer have anyone who knows my birthday or bothered to celebrate. really, i wasn't expecting anything. but i am so blessed to have all the freshies who remembered and bought me ice cream to cheer me up. they prayed for me even. it blessed my heart to know that the next generation is anointing me. thank You Lord, for sending these people to remind me of the work i have set out doing when i first entered this land. it is a great calling to leave a godly legacy for the younger ones. but i will repent if i dare ever belittle Your will in my life.

yes Lord, i'll keep pounding for You.

none but Jesus,

As each day creeps nearer to my birthday, there's a strong mix of emotions. 

A part of me is excited to embrace a new year and thankful unto God for His faithfulness in my life. 

Yet the other side of me is deeply saddened by how broken my family is. I cant help it. Each time I look at them, my heart pains. Yes that's the truth, I am so rejected by them. While I have countless friends celebrating me, my family doesn't care about it. Do they even remember? I wonder. What I truly desire is the company of my family, as simple as a meal together. Even a text might make a difference. 

Earlier last week, people started asking me what I would like for my 22nd. I thought for a while, and told everyone who asked that I wanted a trip to the zoo. Perhaps little did they know that I really want to spend a day with my family at the zoo. Its not that I didn't try. I asked my mom about it. And I got ignored. I decided to be sad for 5 minutes and moved on. If it was me previously, I would probably end up crying from being so hurt. Yes, I missed the family time. I missed how when I was a few years old, we would go to the zoo for outing. And this dream, it seems so far away. :'(

Its OK. I have plenty of friends who want to take me to the zoo and I shall be counting my blessings. As for my family... Lord, I will hang on my prayers. They will be saved. Yes they will. Its a declaration in the spiritual realm that my household belongs to Jesus Christ. 

I notice that every year I will be exceptionally emotional on my birthday. This year, I need to be particularly careful. I will not allow the enemy to steal away the joy my God has set for me. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Relentlessness.

Yesterday's cell group reminded me that I need to get back on my knees to pray. Specially,  for revival. I haven't been a christian for very long but there were many moments i persevered in prayer and I saw God move. I will never forget those times when I hide in my prayer closet and just cry for revival. I cried for many friends and in that past 5 years, maybe 10 people are saved?

Somehow, perhaps like the dry spell singapore was facing, my prayer life was drying up. I need to pray more. I need to cry more. Its not enough. My closer friends in my clique, they still don't know Jesus. They need to know Him NOW. Cos if not now then when? I can only cross paths with them for this season of their lives.. if I never shared the gospel with them and Jesus comes again tomorrow, I know I will regret and I will be held accountable. I need to stop being distracted by all the other things. people can sin against me... but I must forgive and walk right with You. There's no unity, yes Lord I will cry and seek Your mercy on behalf of the church. But all these can be put aside.. God, You must come and meet me when I pray.

Oh Lord, like the rain that comes suddenly and poured forth the entire island, rain down a fire in my heart. Let me be consumed by Your presence. Let the Holy Spirit help me intercede for the lives of my loved ones. Let my prayer be a sweet aroma, an incense that You'll be pleased to answer.
Oh Lord, I wont relent until You relent. I will not let You go until I see THE revival You've intended for singapore. Yes Lord, please use Your servant me to further Your kingdom. You said we will be Your people and You'll be our God. So God, You MUST come!!

All praise to You.

And You open the door for me.
And You open my eyes to see.
You're everything I need.

yaye, an extremely rare day i get to rest in and do my work! for a moment just now, after my test, i was gonna go wonder around and get a movie or shop. the weather was too warm and hence i decided to come back to get started on the never-ending work. changed my mind this morning also that i will not go prayer tower too.

spoke to D last night. well, the conversation at several moments did get heated. i explained my unhappiness all these while and he did apologize. it went on for awhile and i kept asking him the same question: what is your heart for NTU? i know that as long as i don't hear the truthful answer from him, i cannot commit myself to be discipled by him. for the past three years, i have always saw him as a fatherly and big brother figure. he is so so dear to me. which was why i was also hurt badly in this ministry. eventually he managed to share with me the big picture about how he is not interested in building his own tribe but having that real kingdom mentality. i did openly mention my doubts of the presence of others who joined us in claiming this piece of land. i am still hanging on because i told God i will keep pounding. but really, this is my last shot.

i am sorry about this skepticism. Lord I repent. let not me judge whose heart is right and whose is not. let me just be a faithful and obedient servant that when You call, I will go. let my walk be righteous even when others may not. 

最近好像对一个人有好感。对我而言，并不是好事。还是少见面的好。

兜兜转转。

不晓得为何绕了一大圈，又好像回到最初的圆点。

好像都还不到一个月，我离开了南大的小组，去到了别处。但是很快的今早的一个电话，又改变了一切。

昨晚D打了三通电话给我可是我却没接。我不是故意叛逆。。。我是祷告了，觉得已经十二点了，所以才去睡觉。他问我是不是在气他，我想了想，回答：“以前是有点气，现在不再气了。” 我没打算听他解释，因为已过去了，我也累了。事实真的有这么重要吗？醒来后，看到他的短讯：对不起。

组长叫我打电话给她说有急事。说着说着，都讲上半个小时。她叙述了昨晚和D的对话。

感觉上，我好像知道了我不想知道的事情。我说不上为什么，就是不想知道某某人喜欢我。或许是大家曾经戏弄过我们。我也曾经考虑过他。看他那么傻傻的，不知在哪个时候我们的关系就这样渐渐的疏远。还记得前些日子我很遗憾，不明白为什么会失去这份友情。现在我们才只是工作伙伴。很巧的，昨晚朋友为我们一起庆祝生日，因为我们的生日相差一个星期多。奇怪的是，每个人都说我们特别的尴尬。拍照时，两人的脸都红了。别问我，我真的什么都不知道。。。

好啦，换别的来说。很意外的，我的心情没有受很大的影响。无奈吗，会有一点点。可能是我讨厌不停的改变。是很累喔。。但我要牢牢记住，什么都能变，就只省神不变。神的爱永不变，祂的性格依然不改。来南大效劳是神对我的指示，我应该抱着一个期待的态度。是，我拨不急待回来带更多更多的人信祖！

老爸，我会乖乖的听从。人我信不过，让我只信你。

A new season.

Wow, recess week came and flew by with a blink of an eye.

I was busy at work, frequently getting activated at the very last minute. Had lots of fun with my colleagues though i woke up at almost 6 am daily. and then my day usually ends very late at around 1 am leaving me just a couple of hours to sleep. people think i am crazy but i am OK. i am motivated! :) its not so much of the money, more of the people and the job.

on Wednesday's leaders' meeting, God spoke to me. i teared because i told God i don't wanna stop pounding. i don't wanna stop at three strikes. the victory is mine and i want to claim it. i am NOT giving up on NTU, not yet. though its discouraging, i must obey God. the fruits of labour will come. my reward is in heaven. honestly, i don't know how the ministry will turn out to be but i know my path is different. i need to acknowledge that this route i take, few can understand because not all are called. so Lord, i take comfort that You have chosen.

i have been genuinely happy. and i am glad of this improvement. need to maintain. looking forward to more time alone! :)

Grass vs Tree

1. Some comparisons
- Shallow roots vs deep roots
- Withers during season of drought  vs able to withstand season of drought
- Doesn't provide shade for others vs provide shade for others

2. Tough times, dry times, scorching times will reveal our spiritual condition. Are we mere grass or strong trees? Are we rooted in God's word? Or are we withering?

3. Are you going through a drought? Extreme heat of testing?

Don't be overly preoccupied with the weather/external/ circumstances, seeking answers as to why so hot, why no rain, why so dry, why so tough?

He will surely pour out His rain. This is in His control.

Look within, check your roots, check your condition. Ask The Lord for help, so you can withstand and continue to bear fruit till the next rains. Let your roots go even deeper, searching for ground water.

Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. (Matthew 13:5, 6 NKJV)

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7, 8 NKJV)

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3 NIV)

Blessed Redeemer, Wonderful Saviour.

Fasting on secular songs helps. Each morning I arise with a worship tune in my soul. Lovely. (:

Just ended my short test, a second one this week. well, both weren't fantastic... really needa buck up!

Yesterday i was approached (officially) to re-run for SU's presidency next academic year starting this August. I don't really have a lot of time to decide but i am taking it easy. just exploring different options and speaking to people about the idea. honestly, i cannot see myself doing it because i don't even know what is there that i want to change. yes it may be a strategic position but surely i do not want to end up to be like Saul who thinks that he is wise in his own eyes. Lord... unless You call.

and so after two weeks of delay, i finally decided to meet up with Anders. apparently they are still keen to hear updates from me... i tried to siam, but last night i just told him that i have been appointed to co-lead in another cell in my tribe. hope he understood what that meant. i do not have any more human capacity for much anymore.. well.. for now, i am just looking forward to a new season, a fresh start.

Rebuilding,

God, restore order in my life.

Visited the post teens cell for the first time yesterday. So much to learn and I am excited. Though I dont know much and I need to start from as basic as the names of everyone,  I am willing to try. I am pretty sure I will make mistakes along the way but I am also aware that in this family, there is grace and room for growth. Thank God.

Decided to make a stand to my mom last night by not going home. When I left the house,  I already knew shes not handling her emotions. Well... like the woman who gave her last two mites, Lord this is my all too. Living by faith is really living on the edge.

Mr Chong texted me earlier today to ask if I am going on exchange.  姜还是老的辣。he figured I applied and wished for it on a wrong motivation. Just thankful he thought of me and bothered to confirm Joyce's no. I doubt joyce would tell him any thing about my exchange... In fact, I asked God for another confirmation. It's not that I dont trust my leader, I really just wanted to be thoroughly convinced. And now I am. So no more questions from me. Sad, yes i still am.. I dont wanna deny my feelings. But really learning to cope better. If God's NO is NOT a rejection but a REDIRECTION, then what's next, Dad? ;)

Three tests next week with lots of work to catch up on. But ok... step by step You'll lead me. Jiayou GuoYi! :)

Let it go.

Lots of big steps forward this week for my event.

Secured KPOP band! While thats a crowd drawer, the next stop I gotta work on is crowd control and security.
Secured partnership with ITE as well. Education minister was v pleased to hear the collaboration and has expressed interest to grace the event. Yaye. Much to follow up.
Secured hall as well! Got them interested, move out of zouk and come to my event! I am making history. SU and halls have never crossed path. And here, I am bringing all the different groups of people in NTU to come together.

It hasn't been easy because it has always been beyond what anyone has imagined it to be. God is good. He has sustained me, and will continue to sustain me.

Gotta learn to let go of some unproductive meetings and let the committee take over. God didn't intend for me to burn out.

Bouncing back.

Somehow, interestingly, i am beginning to feel the peace coming from the decision to not go for exchange. well, it took one day of crying (uncontrollably), lots of happy food (kushinbo) and sleep (3h nap). but truly, i feel so much more set free now... thank You Lord. 

when Abraham had to make that decision to sacrifice Isaac, he must have grieved for awhile even before he chose to surrender. we are all humans with feelings and limited knowledge. i cant help but wonder how Sarah must have even reacted! she probably didn't understand too (if she even knew). 

my friends, those whom i shared my decision, were all just as sad. 

i felt especially bad to the two girls who are my 死党 and decided that we would leave NTU to spend our white Christmas and a new year count down together. right now, they must be extremely disappointed. its even more so since they're pre-believers and cannot understand where i am coming from. but well... they have also seen how i walked around like a zombie and didn't want to add salt to the wound so they kept quiet. the thought of having to go for lectures alone next semester or not having them around anymore drives me crazy already... 

everyone their immediate response to me was, 'you are rejecting it to run for presidency?'

i believe its two separate issues:

rejecting exchange programme was because Joyce said no, this is not God's plan for me. i obey, i honour, i understood and i agree though it hurts. while on the other hand, running for presidency is another decision, a calling i wanna seek God for. am i keen for it now? no. but we will see.

all in all, i reflected and realised that i really can have two ways to be responding to this episode...

one is that i can continue to dwell in my sorrow, keep asking why, think that i am very poor thing because 'i want to go exchange but my cgl doesnt allow' hence also inviting myself to doubt her, feel helpless that i am gonna be alone on this, play the blame game even and feel like a fool or loser. you think there weren't moments i wanted to reply, 'nobody can control my life. if i want to go nobody can stop me!'? looking at what i have just written, i honestly think that the enemy is trying very hard to find dark corners to creep into my life and cripple me. no Lord... You're Lord, not me. You're sovereign.

i choose to pray Thy will be done in and through my life. i choose to delight in the Lord. i choose to trust when i can't even trace His hands. i choose to believe this God who never changes, who never walks out of me. He is the One i knew so I will hang on. if it is in His fatherly character to love me, bless me with the best and even discipline me, then this CANNOT be a mistake. this WILL help me to grow. so this is my attitude. i will walk right with God. (or at least, i really want to try)

感觉有点欣慰。。。嘴里和心地，只想呐喊你的好。谢谢 老爸 :')

my chains are gone, I've been set free. my God my Savior has ransomed me. and like a flood His mercy reigns,unending love, amazing grace.

Keep on Wrestling.

i walk around all day with tears in my eyes. since my morning started being told no to go Sweden for exchange, a part of me died. maybe it aint so much of a bad thing... i'll just die to myself, die to the cross. this part of me is one that belongs to God should be surrendered to Him.

went back to cry myself to sleep. but God, i still choose to praise You. i sang worship songs and i am hanging on. telling me to give this up is so difficult... yeah, it showed me how much its my isaac. God, speak to me Yourself and convince me. I wanna hear from You!! is this not what You've intended for me?! if then indeed, i will obey...

in fact, i thought i am already coping very well... i just need to cry it out and be ok. i could have been much worse... like rebel and reject?

because Your love never fails. because i know that You love me. because You make all things work together for my good. because You're sovereign and You only have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. because its plans to give me a hope and a future. i WILL trust... 

To or Not to...?

又走到了分叉路的路口。

有时觉得自己好傻。为什么一直在头痛烦恼。。可是神啊，我并非只想更你走。。

看情况，去是好事，不去也不是坏事。那是去不去呢？

打从心底，我就想飘洋过海去体验人生，去看我二十年来都没看过的。是，我是很想离开家里，去一个人静一静，去一个让我在祷告时没有人会找到我的地方。

我渴望，我希望，我盼望，我等不着。你懂吗？

但天父，这又是你的意愿吗？你在这片土地有我容纳的地方吗？

日日夜夜，泪流满面，就请救你听到我的苦苦哀求： 

你 若 不 亲 自 和 我 同 去 ， 就 不 要 把 我 从 这 里 领 上 去 。 

老爸，你听到了吗？:'(

花都开好了。

so loved.

as i woke up wondering how this year's valentine's day is gonna be, i received a huge bouquet of flowers. so thankful. love them to bits.

i know God has heard my prayers all these while. currently reaching out to two of my juniors from my course. i was elated beyond words when a friend from another church offered to start a prayer point and cell group in our faculty. i still remembered he was one of those i reached out to as a freshman... look at him now, all on fire and ready to rise up. :)

yes i am busy but that doesn't mean that i don't have time for people. i believe i am still capable of discipling the next generation. 

Desiree wanted to 'deconflict' these lives we are 'consolidating'. she wanted to take one of my junior... should i? something doesn't feel right... oh God, help. how should i do this? kingdom mentality

so glad that Liz has been keeping her commitment to meet me once a week. she has been pouring out her life to me. that was when i began hearing voices like...

"who are you to take this life under you? can you be accountable for her? what makes you think she wants to be your disciple? are you forcing her? more importantly... you're also going through so much on your own, you sure you are the best person for advice? 不要害别人。。。"

wow. as i begin writing all these down did i realize all those lies and deception are so real. its like poison in my head, my body, spirit and soul that its slowly eating me up without me noticing. and to counter all that...

Matthew 28 The Great Commission 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go.17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said,“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

i am a child of God and that is my identity. God has commissioned and i will go and do it. do i have to wait until i am perfect before i can have my own 12? no!! i don't force. its a choice they will have to make.

God my desire is to love you and honour you. i will learn and i will try... i may fail but You never do...
Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

找架吵

Two nights in a row already. Mom called to vent her anger on me. Claimed that I dont love her I dont miss her and I dont care about her just because I didnt call her to ask her how she is and hows her day. I admit, somedays I am so tired or busy that it'll slipped my mind. In her words, I am no longer that fillial daughter who will phone her thrice a day. Yeah, I hardly have any topic to share with her now. All awkward conversations because she never supported me in whatever I do anyway, so whats the point? Today decided not to keep quiet over the line so I rebutted. Yes, she scolded more for my 丁嘴 but sometimes I guess its just necessary for her to know. Really dont wanna entertain her emotions anymore.

By the way, she said something v interesting...
你是不是觉得我很烦? 你不要忘记, 你还需要我的钱来养你!

Couldn't help but wonder if its true anymore... times have changed and she has no idea... maybe she needs to see it for herself that she's no longer the boss around.
God is my refuge and my provider.
I know I'll be able to do it if I choose to leave.  Even if I dont make it, I trusted God!

I reject those hurtful words. All lies from the evil one.

Learning to respond in love and prayer.

Nom nom nom

Yaye. Today was spent sleeping. Sleep debt maybe? So much so I skipped meeting.  Haa how rare. And also cooked lunch and dinner to cut expenses. Hostel bills came thats why.  Hahaha. But I am happy. Cooking is therapeutic to me. :) asked my neighbour and joanne to come and eat together too.

Interestingly,  two girls asked me out this friday. Two juniors I have been reaching out to.  One of whom came for christmas service already. She's open and I am surprised she would ask me out for lunch after she turned me down twice earlier. The other girl is also one I am trying to disciple. Shall make a commitment to pray for these two...

I want my g12!! Hahaha.

Da ge, da jie and er jie all down with dengue.. aiyo. I also don't know what to say.. don't usually show love and concern at home so just awkward. but praying for them la. Even though that day my mom scolded me for leaving her in the lurch,  I know I made the right choice to say no to her. I no longer wanna please her and leave up to her expectations. Its an endless chase. So is my dad... how he pins his hope on me... oh Lord.

P.s. managed to hang out with paul, jeddy, reena and pris they all on Sunday. They called me the special guest because I dont even see them at service previously. Only during cell. I realise its a personal effort I need to make to be in a community. Told them I will join them more frequent now on. (:

I Insist.

Its really late and I need to be up early for lab experiments which i haven't prepared.

but let me take some time to just write...

i thought i was ok. what's new right? my usual immediate response is always the facade. so i know things would start to surface as i finally settle into my room and now staring into this screen.

right now, i don't think i am freaking out... but more like there were so many so many images in my mind.. of what was being done to me then and how i felt so helpless and alone. who was there when i needed someone? no one, but the Lord. tonight i sleep in peace. though i may be alone but i know that the spirit of the sovereign Lord is with me.

Lord, i choose, i choose to nail every of the memory, every cry, every pain, every hurt that come haunting at the cross. i cannot let it grab onto me and swallow me up, NO.

i hate sin. I HATE IT.

Glorious Ruins.

As the music of this song began playing, i knew this was it. It is FOR me. Yes, God was gonna speak to me. I just stood there and let the lyrics minister to me as tears just began trickling down my cheeks. 

God, how I missed You so. :')

As I went forward to be ministered, it was confirmed. The Lord wants to take all the ruins of my life and make it come to life. He WILL breathe life into my life.

GuoYi, YOU will rise up from these ashes.

Yes God, yes I will run to Your arms, away from my own little world of rationalization. Let me never be wise in my own eyes. I repent Lord, of any disbelief or doubt of Your capabilities to move in my life... I cannot, but You can. I repent, for crushing of all the dreams You've given me.

No more, no more of helplessness. 

Fast and Pray.

Almost broke down yesterday. Glad I ran away and called Wendy up. We met and caught out over a casual dinner. After which I went to chill on my own till midnight. As I laid at the lawn enjoying the wind and watching the starry night, my soul quieten down. Yeah, thank God for each breath I can hear myself taking. Yet so much work was going through my head. Yet I felt so all alone and lonely. Irony.

Been taking regular time-out like that lately. It was something I never really did before. Is it a good thing? Yes... But it has only been happening because I haven't been coping very well. Perhaps I am getting used to not going to NTU cell. I do miss hanging out with the people. But more than anything else, seeing the politics happening around me each day is killing me inside. Disappointment? Plenty of it. 

Just recently, I've taste of how 人心险恶。My supervisors watched me stood there getting scolded. When I was praised, they couldn't wait to steal all the credits away. Eew, disgusting. Each time there is a management meeting, its always about arrows flying every where. I probably won't be able to take the pressure if I didn't constantly remind myself that I am not alone battling because God is with me.

Questions about why I am doing what I am doing right now kept coming back... the answers remain unchanged: I will do this and I am committed to seeing it to the end because of one simple reason: 

God has called and I will obey. 

so Lord, give me the strength, the grace and the wisdom to pull through... :')

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

OK I am gonna pretend that idk Joyce is reading this page and carry on writing as if I've been writing to God... hahaha

"You're in depression." 

I froze when those very words were said into my ears. 

WOW, you mean I am so unaware of myself, my every behaviour, that I didn't even notice that I slipped back into that illness? how sad... 还真可笑... 

yet it got me thinking a lot, a lot... yeah, she was right. i knew i have always desired so much so much to be away from this place where there's just so much so much hurt. pain and more pain each time... all i dream of day and night, every word from my lips, were to get out of this country and be on my own where nobody will know me. i really wanna start all over again and get it right. i know its so silly to be thinking that it'll solve the problem... it wont. BUT that's the easiest way out. 

也许是太习惯自己一个人，话也不多说了。什么都藏在心底，好辛苦，好难过。说出来，又有谁会理解？多说多错，还是别说吧。

讲真的，i am actually very scared to meet Joyce on Friday. its the same feeling i got when i went for the ladies retreat earlier last month. maybe it wasnt me really who was struggling. its all the demons and spirits in me that know that there's no place for them to stay anymore. 

a part of me fear the pain because its like tearing apart the wound that i thought was already healing well. no GY... the wounds have never really healed. they were merely bandaged up and hardening away. in fact, its gonna decompose and eat up the rest of my flesh away! its time... face it. for the Lord is here with you. :')

最近发现自己好像兜兜转转又回到了原点。主啊，这到底是怎么一回事？

For My Own Good.

I promised Joyce that I would start to journal down my thoughts and feelings. This came more than a week late so I am sorry... Yes this online blog has been with me for... since I was a teen. I just need to update it, more regularly. 

So Joyce, if i have decided to give you this link directly to let you 'read my life', please do not circulate it OK? By far I do not know many who know about this diary's existence... Those who do know, I do not know if they're still reading and if they still remember. This place contains memories from many years ago and all my darkest secrets are kept away in the archives. Welcome to my life. (:

My absence here for the past few months probably showed a lot. Busyness has gone yet another whole new level for me. In my exact words to a friend, I define busyness. hahaha. Let me just summarise a little:

December

as soon as exams were over, I flew to Japan for ASEAN conference. enjoyed? no. it was all networking. tiring, yes. but well, if you give me a choice to head back to Japan, i wouldnt mind exploring the place on my own again. still, thank You God for the opportunity to still go to the land of the rising sun, despite rejecting the exchange programme... :')

i came back and went for a couple of retreats... falling sick in between and then Christmas before I was ushered into 2014.

January

with a blink of an eye, headed into a new year. and i am gonna turn 22 very soon. wow, no wonder they say after you hit the digit 2, you will zoom rocket fast. it feels like i've just started but i am feeling it already. left for Bandung, Indonesia for a week long holiday. yeah, spent lots of money and depleted my savings. I felt bad but at least it was well deserved. ate a lot and put on weight. hung out (for once) with some 'secular' friends. enjoyed nature. thankful, once again for the experience and time off. 

also had breakthrough. came to terms that its almost time for me to shift out of home. the next time my mom leash out on me, that is it. it wasnt an overnight decision, and certainly took me loads of courage. to me, that is truly being radical, and truly trusting God to be God, to be Jehovah Jireh. so I am prepared. do i still have fear, of cos! but my God will be greater than me and I put my faith in Him. wow, yet another journey, another milestone.

very quickly, semester 2 resumed. its week 4 already and i am barely breathing. yes, worse than last sem. but i only have this sem to go before i step down... (that's if i dont step up) and did i mention about my results? the worst of it all... BUT still enough to apply for exchange programme (again). hehehe. 

today is the first day of February already! its Chinese New Year! quiet affair for my family... nothing new. yesterday morning witnessed my parents quarrelled already... pained my heart and i had to shout at them to stop. earlier today, i did the same to my sis. i figured i need to stop keeping mum. sometimes i need to speak up and fight for somethings. but my mom was quiet and watching us... i cannot understand. somehow, i just felt that seeing my family's salvations seem so so far away... BUT NO! i must take this thought and set it captive to Christ Jesus!! no i cannot give in to the evil one.. to plant the thought that my family will not live to praise the name of my God. Lord, I will not relent... 

still struggling with loneliness... and stress from all the work in school.. Father, let me not doubt Your calling for me in NTU this season... i will go.. and give my all.. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days and nights all alone. He went through all the temptations before He truly knows Your will. Help me O God, have You heard my cry?